Daily Archives: May 22, 2014

Breakthrough Panic/Box #2

As I mentioned before,  I’ve been experiencing a bought of breakthrough panic this past week. I had individual therapy Tuesday,  group therapy Wednesday,  and just came from my psychiatrist today. It didn’t help that once again I came within inches of being in a horrific traffic accident that was in no way my fault – someone on my right tried to cross straight through me to make a left turn – when I was only 3 blocks from her office. I was 5 mins late to my appointment for the first time ever, and it happened to be on a day that her staff shortened her time blocks from 20 mins to 10 mins, and the good Dr herself was running around like a crazy person. I had a tough time explaining myself in that situation,  but we decided to stay on the Remeron that she gave me for the bout of severe depression and taper off the Abilify since I’m still getting these weird side effects with my tongue/face even with the Cogentin added and to start titrating myself up on Lamictal. Even though I was at one point on 200mg with no rash/side effects, I still have to start with 25mg and work myself up. She’s afraid it may make me tend towards more mania but the way I’m feeling, bring it on…I can handle ups way better than downs.

However, she couldn’t eRx the meds bc there was something wrong with the system,  and they seem to have run out/misplaced their script printer paper and definitely were out of her script pads (at this point the chaos and my own issues were creating a fairly spectacular fireworks display in my insides) so I agreed to swing by and pick up my scripts tomorrow.

Then I dared to ask the front desk for the medical disability forms that I dropped off for her 3 weeks ago that the Dr swore she filled out a week ago. After 30 mins of me politely refusing to leave until it was located,  they found & returned the forms.

I had time to read through them in my car since I was parallel parked and absolutely boxed in and was forced to wait for someone else to move.

I’ve been marked as option #2: Temporarily Disabled for 12 months or more, with reevaluation after a year. “The patient may be a candidate for Social Security Disability or SSI benefits.” Let’s remember, folks, this round of paperwork is ONLY for State Medicaid, SSD/SSI will be a whole other ballgame.

This is what she wrote as my official assessment:

Patient suffers from bipolar affective disorder. Bipolar disorder is an episodic, incurable illness with variable course and outcome. Even with treatment, outcome can be poor, with high rates of relapse, persistence of residual symptoms after an acute episode, increased potential for cognitive loss, marked functional and psychosocial impairment, and high rates of suicide.

Well that certainly makes it sound like the nightmare it is. Hopefully the cubicle dwellers will see it that way.

Meanwhile I may as well meander into the office, and beg my stomach and mind to settle themselves.

I blame the amygdala.


Meditation and its Effects on the Brain

Forms of Meditation Some in the West believe meditation is a modern technique introduced during the 1960’s and 1970’s. The fact is that ancient Hindu records of meditation go back as far as 5,000 years. The origins of Buddhist meditation are unknown, though it is said that the Buddha reached enlightenment by meditating under the […]

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I Get It

Do you know how you can understand something even if on some level you know you really don’t understand it?  Then one day something happens and suddenly you get it.  You honestly understand it.  That just happened to me a few moments ago. Anyone following my blog knows about the circumstances regarding my neighbors.  In […]


Since the last few days have been Bex talk…I figure I should link to her blog. It’s polite to make introductions and all. Blah blah blah.

(Insert sarcastic tongue emoti here.)



I haven’t written much lately because I can’t really get my thoughts in order. I’m in a bit of a shutdown mode, which severely worried me until my therapist assured me that its simply a coping mechanism, not a slide back down into the slough of despond. A lot of external stressors have been hitting me (car troubles, my mom’s washing machine going rouge and flooding her house, and old creditor suddenly coming after me full force, work anxiety, financial pressures, etc) but it wasn’t until this past Monday afternoon that I realized my not feeling “quite right” was actually a lengthy panic attack – and simply recognizing what it was of course made the panic worse. How could this be happening? After all I’ve worked on, all the medications…how could I be feeling like this? For the first time since I went back to work I had to admit what was happening to my boss and leave a few hours early… I just had to get out.

I havent been finding pleasure in much of anything lately, which worries me as well. I’m not good at just existing, relaxing. I still have to listen to guided meditations or sleep hypnoses to distract me enough to sleep. People around me know something is awry but I don’t know what to say to them except that I’m just a little off. My therapist assures me that I just have to ride out the cycle as best as I can. It would be easier if I could actually manage to distract myself. I feel bad because everyone’s trying to help but there’s really nothing to be done. I kinda just want to curl up in bed until its over, til my mind comes back from wherever it went. But that seems like a sure sign of depression so Ive been avoiding napping or going to bed “early” – for now I’m watching West Wing DVDs that I basically have memorized bc Ive watched them so many times for background noise and really wishing I would have sprung for some ice cream when I braved WalMart earlier today.

Tangled Hair


I’m in a love/hate relationship with this one.

FIRST TIME EVER…I don’t think that light at the tunnel end is a train!

After sweating blood and tears all those weeks in preparation for B day…It came and went without any trauma. I got lost finding the airport, which was pretty much a given for someone who can’t grasp “Maps for Dummies.” I made it out, even drove him with no dash lights and didn’t get a speeding tickets. Thanks so much, R, for promising to check the car out for me and failing me yet again. Ass trash.

But…It all went amazingly well. We seem to click. Actually, we seem to c0mplement each other like yin and yang. I cooked tonight, she did dishes, there was not even a discussion. It just came to be. If only husbands were so competent.

About the only true anxiety I had when I picked her up at airport was getting lost, then asking directions from a barely english speaking gas station clerk who sent me in the opposite direction. It wasn’t being lost, that’s my perpetual state of being. It was that I promised Bex I’d be there and I was terrified of letting her down. Especially after she got detained for over two hours by some asshole border control agents who thought they needed to interrogate her, then call me to make sure our stories gibed, because who but a terrorist would go spend three months with their friend? Thats crazy talk, according the those idiots. IDIOTS, I say. When they called me I basically snapped, “Yes, I am expecting her, have been for 3 months, and you PEOPLE won’t let her in.” Hopefully even a simpleton customs agent can read my total sarcasm and disdain by using “people” instead of MORONS. She was freaking out, I was having sympathy freak outs…Like all this, they let her out of Britain and ass trash US won’t let her in???? While some dude wearing a shirt that said “Bomb America” probably just swept through? Yesss, that short polite little  brit girl on holiday is a threat to national security, DETAIN her.

IDIOTS IDIOTS IDIOTS. For the record, if powers that be read this, I do NOT feel safer because you detained a harmless foreign person but thanks for making Americans look even dumber than we already do. Great job.

Okay. Rant done.

I have been okay for the most part. Last night was tough though because around 7pm my mood went from pretty good to….deflated. Crawl into bed and cry deflated. I told myself  it was so little sleep over three days, basically exhaustion. And I was asleep before 9 pm (Ha! I still made it 90 mins later than Miss Can’t Adapt to The Time Change or car doors being on the proper side of the car! :p)

Woke up with cobweb brain today, took forever it seemed to peel away the layers. It was so bizarre. Even when I first got married to both husbands after living together awhile, I felt so odd sharing living space. It felt crowded and I felt controlled and stifled. And when I’ve shared space with others like family and friends, it’s felt the same way.

Now it doesn’t. Bex and I mesh, and she says she is liking it here. She hasn’t judged me or my crappy home and housekeeping and for that I am grateful. I was WRONG. It is a pleasant change because so many ass trash people have proven me right. It isn’t really awkward, it just feels natural.

Why, I’ve not once (yet) tried to kill her and wear her skin.

In other news, the shrink upped my Paxil and split it into morning and afternoon dose in hopes of combatting the late day mood crashes. Let’s see if it works. Being depressed when you have everything to be happy about is fucking stupid.

And I think…I am gonna return to marinating in my own sweat. Do you think saying gross things like that is why I don’t have men falling over themselves to sweep me off my feet?

Riiiight. I don’t fucking care. That’s MISS  crazy cat lady to them.