Daily Archives: May 12, 2014

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. At your service…

So I’m feeling really terrible. I’ve done something the wrong way and I’m going to pay consequences for…

I’ve forgot about my med appt today, and should of called them back on Fri, but I didn’t. So, I’m playing hooky from work because I wouldn’t be able to go if I did. I don’t want the people at my job to know about my appts or my condition, but yet I think I’m using it as crutch.

I’m also disappointed in my job. I have lost faith and willingness to want to continue up. Is that bad?? Why does this always happen to me? I just think I’m not the kind of person that works well, or works at all. My mind switches from YEAH I CAN DO THIS, to I don’t/can’t/why do this.

I have been really horrible lately. To my husband. My life. Myself….Well maybe not, I am keeping up with something important to me….

My health.


Filed under: Ranting

Overwhelmed Again

I literally did nothing all weekend but sit at home. My kid is growing bored with sitting home with depressed, anxious, overwhelmed mommy. Of course, at 4, she doesn’t understand being too broke to do anything nor does she get that part of my exhaustion and being overwhelmed and anxious is due to her behavior. I am not scapegoating either. Being defied and challenged 12 hours a day, then not even getting to sleep because she climbs in my bed mid night…It takes a toll. Yesterday I made her come inside after 4 hours because she was flushed and I feared her allergies were agitated. She was so mad she punched a glass door. My sister ended up with 500 stitches and nearly died from doing the same during a tantrum around the same age. It scared the hell out of me. No 4 year old should have that much anger over the word “no.”

My former excitement over summer has turned to dread. The place is a sauna any day over 70 and sunny. My kittens are driving me nuts. My kid torturing the kittens is driving me nuts. I can’t seem to make any headway on tidying up because I am so busy doing the same shit every day just to keep up let alone get caught up. The kids running loose all day and night coming for ten minutes then ditching my kid who bawls has my anxiety off the charts. i am right back to the depressive place but while the situation contributes, it still feels like that familiar tug under the surface that accompanies clinical depression.

I think I see the shrink this week and I am just gonna run the idea of dual antidepressants by her. Worst she can say is no. I’ve tried everything else and with a friend coming for the summer, I should be excited and energetic. Instead I am filled with this dark cloud, like my depression is infectious no matter how hard I try to force the happy face. My depression is depressing.

I am exhausted by it. It sucks the joy out of everything. I fight so hard and still… It drags me under. I had those good days and it was so wonderful and I want it back. It’s so unfair to be given a peek at the grass on the other side then have it go away so abruptly. In this case, the grass is definitely greener on the other side. There is NOTHING good about depression.

Today I am recovering from a solid weekend of tantrums, non stop questions, being told I am mean, and the general chaos that is my home. I plan on doing little. Yes, I get the humor there. I did nothing all weekend so I am going to recover by doing more nothing. But peace and quiet is under rated. I need this time to regroup, regain equilibrium. Later, I will kick into gear.

I hope. Otherwise….I don’t want to think about it. Summer in a psych ward is less appealing than summer in a sauna running a free daycare.

I think I just went back to college…

I suppose there are worse ways to spend a restless night, wide awake at 1am, than registering for courses at Harvard, UC Berkeley, Boston University, and the University of Washington.

As it turns out, you can register for these things called massive online open courses, and they’re given by universities such as the ones above. You can audit them for free or pay $25 for a verified certificate of completion.

I have absolutely no idea what I was thinking that triggered me to look these up in the first place. I had heard about them in a TED talk, which is the only reason I even knew they existed. Once I started looking and realized how legitimate the courses are, and how broad the subject matters are, I got super excited and enrolled for a few. I  enjoyed helping my friend with that paper she needed a few weeks ago, I want to go back to finish undergrad sometime and I really do enjoy learning, so why not? I just sit around here all night anyway with nothing to do anyway, no purpose.

I start one course right away- “Becoming a Resilient Person: The Science of Stress Management” offered through The University of Washington. After all, I am fascinated with the actual science of behavior and it is pretty fitting given my current predicament. No books to buy, do at your own pace… I see no downside whatsoever.

Then in mid – June I will realize my dream of being educated by Harvard (totally buying a T-Shirt once I complete this one) with a class called “Tangible Things”, whose syllabus includes everything from reevaluating everyday items to the practice of mindfulness.

The beginning of September brings what caught my eye in the first place – UC Berkeley’s team of experts teaching “The Science of Happiness.”

The end of September starts “War for the Greater Middle East” through Boston University – figure I could brush up on what I was studying in college in the first place.

I’m so excited I could dance a jig. How awesome (if beyond nerdy) is this??? I was having a very blah day, but this has really cheered me and got me little-kid-excited for the first time in a looooooong time. I’m smart, damnit, I can kick ass at this.

Plus a little earlier this evening I contacted the local Council for the Arts about possibly showcasing/entering my zentangles.

I know it’s 1:30 am but I’m trying to convince myself I’m not manic, just slept too long this morning and am now just excited. Hey, I was sensible and only enrolled in a few courses over a length of time & it’s no pressure at all since it’s just auditing. Even if I do massively screw something up course – wise it will have no effect on my life whatsoever. And if I do over stress, I can drop out without losing anything… though I really think I’ll do well. It’s nice to feel confident – “yes, I can do this! I’m good at this!”

Plus I can chill with my cats in pj’s during class. Huge fist bump and high five to edX!

EdX offers interactive online classes and MOOCs from the world’s best universities. Online courses from MITx, HarvardX, BerkeleyX, UTx and many other universities. Topics include biology, business, chemistry, computer science, economics, finance, electronics, engineering, food and nutrition, history, humanities, law, literature, math, medicine, music, philosophy, physics, science, statistics and more. EdX is a non-profit online initiative created by founding partners Harvard and MIT.

All tangled up


I’m starting to like them better and better the more I practice.
I’ve had many compliments on the ones I’ve done so far, but I think by now we all know I’m my own worst critic. It turns out that my hometown has a miniature art show annually and I’ve been encouraged to enter but I’m not sure how I could deal with criticism rejection for something that’s just supposed to be therapeutic for me.