Daily Archives: May 1, 2014


When I decided to write an article on motivation I thought it would be easy to research. Boy, was I wrong. The most common suggestion I found was to exercise. EXERCISE? If you struggle to get out of bed, if you can’t take a shower, when you can’t open the blinds, how the hell are […]



This month try and tell someone about mental illness.

Share your experience with someone you know might be struggling.

Volunteer at a local hospital and help out other mental illness patients.

Tell someone that you love that you have a mental illness.

Start a mental health blog.

Raise money for your local NAMI chapter or another non-profit organization.

This month lets not just think about our problems, but the problems of all our brethren that is suffering. Sometimes to feel better is to help someone else feel better.

So, what can I do for a whole month to celebrate?? Any suggestions? What would you like to see on the B.U.L. Blog for MENTAL HEALTH MONTH!??!

Filed under: Ranting

Weekly Photo Challenge: letters

    Tagged: blogging, letters, life, Lizzie Cracked, photo challenge, Photograph, postaweek, running with scissors, WordPress

Moody Blues

I was up til 3 a.m. last night. The whole thing with that maintenance guy threatening to kill the cats really upset me. It also upset me that I am an excellent tenant and I was singled out over something that technically, isn’t my problem. I did as asked. I don’t like people who don’t play fair. Thus insomnia and an OCD thought cycle. I didn’t dare take a Trazadone for fear I’d snooze through the alarm. So I tossed and turned, got up, smoked, rinse, lather, repeat.

Weird thing was, when the alarm did go off, I didn’t go back to sleep. It’s almost like I do better on less sleep. Sometimes. Though more like it’s my spring manic cycle starting up. Which is hysterical considering it dropped from 70 degrees to 40 in a day, wet and gloomy, and my mood tanked with it. I was still functional but…Disconcerted. Which met no hypomania and less functionality and that’s always a bummer.

It’s tough when you go off a medication. It takes awhile for things to even out, and it’s a bumpy ride. Moody blues. Up, down, all around.

I was thinking earlier…How can I have personality disorders when my personality changes every other hour due to mood shifts? I never know who I am going to be day to day. Up and funny, down and gloomy, paranoid and angry? I have no personality, nothing static anyway. My mood dictates how I feel about everything. One day something will send me into a meltdown, a few days later it barely dents the armor. How is that a personality flaw?

I ponder things like this.

Earlier my kid had company. I played with the kids. One of the boys told me I was hysterical and should be on TV. Then he informed me I am so fat I look pregnant. Awesome. First, you have to have sex to get that way and the meds pretty much fuck that aspect of life up. Second, I actually lost weight in between my last doctor visit. Kids are brutally honest. Which means the people around me are probably being downright cruel. Yeah, I’m fluffy, but I only weigh about ten pounds more than I did before I had my kid so for my age…I don’t think I’m doing too bad. People are just obsessed with looks and it’s all so much bullshit. Pretty is nice. Substance is crucial. Too bad society doesn’t get it.

Random, aren’t I? I think it’s beautiful. Crazy beautiful. It would be too easy to be consistent and make sense. I like to shake things up. Or, more to the point, my ADD bipolar brain likes to. I just roll with it.

More randomness…I despise small towns. Everyone knows everyone. Nothing is sacred. My dad was telling the former maintenance guy here is his neighbor and was telling him how the landlord talks about setting his clock by how consistently I pay my rent. That’s a good thing, right? WRONG. It makes me feel like my privacy is being invaded. Like when I went to the same counselor as my brother and she’d send messages to me through him. Creepy. Maybe no confidentiality was really invaded but it still drove me away. I keep thinking if I isolate myself enough no one will bug me or invade. The neighbor lady confronting me about “sneaking” with her man proves people are going to talk even if you basically live like a fucking hermit. The more people I meet, the more I like cats.

Dogs have masters. Cats have servants.

I admire that about cats.


A Song for him

because it’s beyond time to let go…


Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: breakup, heartbreak, love, moving on