Monthly Archives: May 2014

Meet Her Alters – Dissociative Identity Disorder


I have never seen a video with someone with Dissociative Identity Disorder is filming their different personalities or alters. If I didn’t understand Mental Illness like I do, would think this person is faking, but I don’t and can’t think like that.

What do you think?

P.s. I really like this person’s videos. They are informative and real.

Filed under: Ranting

Machine Gun To The Brain

I am going to rename my kid Uzi. She’s been awake 45 mins and already had three screaming kicking mimis and hurt two different cats. She has screamed “I don’t like you” several times, been placed in time out several times…My brain hurts already and the day is just starting. I have an entire summer of this. Yay. People are like, “Oh, you’re always complaining about her, it can’t be that bad.” Bet me and fuckin’ lose. And being surrounded by simpletons it escapes their limited intellect that I am not merely complaining. I am crying out for help. I need help with this child. I am doing everything I am told to do and it is not getting better. I am frustrated. I love my kid to pieces but being treated like crap every single day is taking a toll on me. I guess my psyche isn’t that strong. Sue me for being human.

So Bex, Spook, and I went to R’s house last night so Mrs. R could meet Bex. Wine was involved. Happy Niki came out to play. I hate her. It was less booze and more mania. I hate manic Niki. She is too bubbly and funny and spirited and social and she just does these things like say “Oh, we should totally do that one day!” Then the booze and mania wear off and anxiety returns and it’s like FUCK, what fake illness can I develop to get out of this? Because without the mania and lessened anxiety, I can’t think of anything I want to do less than get trapped in a car out of town with other people.

Yeah I am fucked up. I shouldn’t do these things. When I am happy and fun people come to expect it. I can’t maintain it, ffs, then they’re like, who are you, you depressed paranoid husk of a human? Ass trash. What I wish I could be and who I really am are vastly different things. I am soo content to stay home and write or whatever. I socialize because I am told it is necessary and good for me, but twice a year would be enough to appease me. It’s not even that they’re bad company. It’s me. I’m just out of my comfort zone and I need to be back in it. Neurotic or not, it’s been that way for 20 plus years and I don’t think it’s going to change because it simply is who I am. It’s not a disorder, not being anti social. I am just a very introverted person who enjoys doing her own thing.

I was glad to come home. Especially after R telling me he’d done an experiment on me last year to see if I could be trusted. He apparently left a hundred dollar bill laying out for the better part of a week at the shop just to see if I would take it. I don’t even remember it in all honesty because he was always leaving shit out. X Mains, power supplies, various ICS. I mean, seriously, it’s all buried under a pile of other shit, and it never changes no matter how many times you tidy up…It becomes like background noise. Why would I care if he got ripped off a hundred bucks? Leave it laying out you kinda deserve it, ass trash. It would never occur to me to take it, because as I told him, I am not who I used to be. I found mood stabilizers that correct my faulty wiring so I don’t do idiotic shit like shopping sprees on other people’s credit cards anymore. Talk about holding a grudge for 20 years. Stupid, too, considering a hundred bucks is nothing compared to having all the info for your limitless credit card, jackass. I wanna jack you up, I’m not gonna half ass it. I’m not manic anymore. Now I am just a plotting bitch.

Which is why I save all my text messages in case any assholes think about throwing me under the bus at a later date to save their own asses. I don’t think so, Tim. I may be paranoid and nutsy kookoo but I’ve had enough tire tracks on me over the years that I don’t experiment with trustworthiness. I assume the worst and make plans to protect myself against the asshole nature we all possess.

So while certainly miffed by being a guinea pig..I can most certainly appreciate the underhanded little experiment. Once upon a time, I might have done the same, back when I had faith in people and cared enough to consider they *might not* fuck me over. Now I just assume they will and make contingency plans. Not a great way to through life but it comforts me to an extent to know if the ship goes down, I can take the other rats right down with me.

My evil is kind of hot.

I got to see a mirror of myself last night. It’s weird being on the other side. When we got home, Bex had an abrupt mood crash and left the room so huffily I was sitting here wondering what I could have done to piss her off. I was playing Word POker and not saying a word. But I asked and she said it wasnt me so I let it go.

And realized, that’s me. That’s exactly how I am. How others see me. I guess I understand better now. Why it’s so difficult for others to deal with me. It’s like a thunderburst and rainstorm from out of nowhere and you do get paranoid that maybe you inadvertently did something to bring it about. It’s rarely like that, though. At least I know better than to be a pestering ass about it. I hate when people do the “are you okay? what’s wrong now? why are you mad at me? How can I cheer you up? Are you okay? Are you okay?”

It’s ass irritating as MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY.

Unfortunately, you can’t put adults in time out.

Now back to Uzi. I mean, Spook.  I feel like I’ve been embalmed. Socializing does this to me. And we get to go do it again tonight at my brother’s graduation cookout. Joy. My gums will be bleeding by then from the way I am gnashing my teeth. The Uzi child wants fed. I guess a bowl of Toddler Kibble won’t do the trick.

See how my brain is all over the place?  Try living this way and not being nutsy kookoo. The Uzi to the brain is just an added bonus. I gotta stop peeing in people’s Cheerios.

My Illness is Not a Plot Point

I have noticed an increase in shows using bipolar characters in storylines. Great, right? Anything to show the truth of the disorder, right? It all raises awareness…. right?!

Yeah, except they all seem to be dramas.

Mind, I don’t like dramas. My brain is drama enough, especially with anxiety and OCD features making it even harder to logic things into place. And it would be one thing if it just happened that there was a character who had bipolar in the show… but it seems to routinely be ‘Bipolar person goes off of their meds, goes off the deep end, drama ensues’… which, while accurate to a point (Natasha Tracy makes a good point about how missing a dose doesn’t make someone automatically manic in her review of Black Box’s first episode), is kiiind of insulting. Missing a dose sucks, yes, but it doesn’t automatically make someone ‘go crazy’.

And that’s not even touching that it’s always a female character. I’ve seen this with Black Box and Homeland in the States, Rookie Blue in Canada, and even Hollyoaks here in the United Kingdom will be featuring a female bipolar character imminently (I’m not sure if it’s happened yet or not). We know from Miss Tracy’s review that while some of the portrayal of aspects of mania are accurate (and in the case of Rookie Blue and Hollyoaks, extensive research into bipolar is claimed to have been done in advance), in that they can be parts of a manic episode, it doesn’t change the fact that, to me, it feels like an excuse to portray ‘Crazy bitches be crazy ’cause women are hysterical and lesser, lulz’. It’s the same sort of misogyny that makes people think songs like Crazy Bitch by Buckcherry are not only okay, but that anyone who dares complain about being offended is *obviously* just some sort of bitter feminist with no sense of humour.

All I know is that my disorder is very real, and that I don’t think it’s okay for it to be used as a minimizing plot point. It’s the same reason I opted to bow out of an invite to be part of a documentary here; when they told me they wanted specifically people with Bipolar I and rapid cycling ‘because people don’t know about those’, I tensed up and refused to respond. Way to tell me you give absolutely no fucks about an accurate portrayal of the bipolar spectrum, mate — you’ve just told me you want me to find you the people suffering the most to up your ratings. Bipolar is a spectrum, and some of us function, and some of us don’t, but focusing only on the ‘drama’ stigmatizes the entire lot of us as ‘Oh, those poor crazy people!’. And here in the United Kingdom, where we have a government intent on demonizing anyone not working and healthy as skivvers and benefits cheats, and are trying to force them all into workfare ‘for their own good’? Eeesh.

But hey, maybe I’m being terribly unfair about these shows. Maybe these females are being portrayed as strong and not totally ruining everything forever at key points for dramatic convenience. I probably won’t know first-hand, because it’s not my genre of preference. But you’ll forgive me if I choose to not find out; I have almost nothing in the way of spoons, and I’m blowing more than enough at spluttering indignation at general stereotyping and dismissal of mentally ill by society as a whole. Yeah, I’ll hopefully have a post about that soon too, once I piece together things I’ve written on Facebook and Livejournal and condense it down into something useful for here.

For now though, hope you are all doing as well as can be expected.


The post My Illness is Not a Plot Point appeared first on The Scarlet B.

Perky Linky Post!!

I’m a little hopped up on caffeine and sunshine and back with a gathering of posts and sites for you to check out!

I shared with you my iced coffee recipe. Alicia over at has another less lazy more culinary recipe to try. I advise you get your coffee from Georgia Bean Roasters, a veteran owned company. I love independent coffee roasters and also supporting our vets!

Speaking of vets (and being the daughter of one) I am appalled by the tumult happening with the VA.  In case you missed it, there’s been resignations and shake ups. It’s disgraceful to not take care of our veterans’ physical and mental health. It breaks my heart to see homeless, addicted and otherwise impaired veterans come into the emergency room I work in.

I know I’ll be writing a separate post on this topic, but the concept of emotional abuse, gaslighting and calling women crazy is an extremely sensitive subject. As a highly functioning bipolar woman, I find this practice beyond demeaning, and I’m sad to say I’ve received quite a few “low blows” regarding my mental health.

Miscellaneous: I wish I had room for this potting bench

Hope you like the links and have a great weekend!




Filed under: Blog Stuff

Going “Toucan”

Sheesh, I guess I didn’t need to worry about having enough fodder for blog posts to start off this contest I’ve entered. Today’s appointment with Dr. Awesomesauce was LOADED with material—not all of which needs to be shared, to be sure, but there’s still plenty to talk about.

First of all, if I didn’t know it before, I do now: I will never in this lifetime live down the notorious yellow toucan shirt. I recently ran across the damned thing, and it about scared me to death all over again. Then today Dr. A told me he’d shared the story with another of his bipolar patients (leaving the name of the guilty party out of it, of course) and redefined my version of mania in a manner that will never be forgotten by either of us. As in “You get hypomanic, and then you go toucan”.

It was the first time we’ve ever talked about the two distinct stages of my bipolar highs, but by the time the laughter subsided, I realized he’s been paying more attention to my disease process than I’d thought. Between therapy and medication management, we haven’t discussed the elements of my illness itself in over a year, back when I was trying to pin him down on whether I was bipolar 1 or 2. So it was interesting to see him paint it in bright colors…..just like the wooden toucan figurine he gave me a few months ago.

He acknowledged as how HYPOmania has its uses and is fun and even beneficial at times, but warned me that it’s like playing with fire (oooh, pretty fire with orange and red crackling flames!) and I need to resist the temptation. That being said, he does want me to start dialing back on the Zyprexa in a month or so, but only if I’m stable and only by the tiniest amount, and it’s up to my discretion as to whether I even attempt it before my next appointment. We both want me on less medication—me because I hate taking meds on principle, him because he wants plenty of wiggle room to adjust UPWARDS if I need it—but we also know that reducing too much, too soon, is a recipe for disaster.

I have mixed feelings about this. I really, really hate to try to fix what ain’t broke, and the fact that I’m in a full remission that shows no sign of breaking down makes me reluctant to mess with my regimen at all. On the other hand, one does not usually take fistfuls of meds when one is healthy, and it’s not like we’re talking about coming off ANY of them completely—even if I do manage to reduce the Z, it’s only by a quarter of my current dose, and that would continue for weeks or months. Heck, I could probably cut the dose in half and my brain would never know the difference, but neither of us is willing to chance that. “There is no rush, and I don’t want you to start yet,” Dr. A emphasized, knowing as he does how often I jump into things too quickly, only to end up smashing into a wall.

I dunno. With my favorite season arriving soon and my tendency to go totally ape shit on those hot summer nights, I’m a little nervous about fooling with my meds. On the other hand, I would love to be on a bit less so that I might reap the benefits of a little high-energy time… long as I don’t “go toucan”, that is!


Be At Peace with Yourself


Filed under: Uncategorized

For Sharing

Don’t give in to stigma. If you dig this video, share it so more people with mental illness can leave shame behind.

Sleep! Thank God!

I’m totally off the Effexor!  The bad news is that I couldn’t tolerate it.  The good news is that I went off it without a hitch.  Phew! I got two decent nights’ sleep in a row.  I am a completely different person than a few, sleep-deprived days ago.  If I had to do my clinic’s […]

High Strung Much?

My mood seems to be holding steady. Not euphoric, not in the abyss. I can deal with this. Not optimal but manageable.

I am noticing what a crappy mom I am. And most of it correlates to the mental stuff. While atm, the depression and mood swings are holding…My anxiety and irritability are off the bloody charts. Becca is so patient with Spook, doesn’t raise her voice, doesn’t spaz out when Spook is at her irritating worst. (Well aside from the time she stomped off to her room and then yesterday when Spook wouldn’t stop banging metal train on the table and tossed her computer on the laptop so hard it bounced in an effort to confiscate and hide the train.)

Today we went to the gas station and Spook took off running, right in front of a car. Becca was calm, I was screaming in panic. Not my finest moment, but the panic was just instantaneous. I was terrified. And frustrated, because the child knows better. She goes out of her way to push my buttons. And the counselor says she feeds off my anxiety. Well, wtf am I supposed to do? If I could do away with all this mental bullshit, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

I am at this point where I feel inferior and incompetent. Then there’;s this part of my brain that simply doesn’t care anymore. The child wants  a battle of wills, she’s got one. My mom yelled at me, constantly. I survived. It actually made me grow a thicker skin. I don’t like raising my voice, or the satan voice, as I call it, but it’s the only thing that gets her attention. Her new thing is get in my face when I say no and scream YES! I have seen kids do that, but she has taken it to an extreme and no amount of time outs or taking things away is having an impact.

So I am just trying to survive here, screw being super perfect mom. I love her, I take care of  her, I am gonna make mistakes. I can only hope she turns out okay in spite of them. I TRY.

Meanwhile…Neighbors are moving out around me left and right and my paranoia and panic are rising with word that the landlord didn’t pay ytaxes so by September I may likely be homeless. This is how it goes, rats abandoning ship before it takes on more water. I have no idea what I will do if it comes down to that. And it had me so stressed earlier, I went from feeling pretty damn good to having one of my lovely little stress stomach aches from hell. Stellar.

Amidst it all, the one saving grace is that…Becca is amazing. Sawsome. She has such a good heart, even if she doesn’t know it. And I don’t think she realizes has grateful I am and how much I appreciate and value her friendship. The way we mesh so well is as magical as finding a unicorn is real. My whole life I’ve been told I can’t get along with anyone, I run them all off. This proves all I needed was someone who gets me and knows the mental stuff isn’t personal. It means everything to me.

Okay, overemoting portion of the post done.

Maybe something funny to close with. (BTW, thanks Bex I have had Metallica stuck in my head since you sent me this. Ass trash.)


Things to wake up for??

What are some things to wake up for, other than to live another day?

Its so hard to wake up, but to wake up with mental illness?? FORGET IT!

Although, in some of my recent posts, people have told me to find something to wake up for and to channel my energy into something creative…

…like what?

Everything that I start I stop because my mind says “this sucks, lets stop” or “I’m tired” and never picks it up again. How do I keep from being so scatterbrained? How do I find something I like to do….

…and make a million dollars off of it and never have to work again!!!!

What? Too much?

What wakes you up??

Filed under: Ranting