I feel like the walking dead. Yesterday drained me. Did I work? No. What did I do that sucked the life out of me? Social activities.
I took my kid to the easter egg hunt. That sucked. Major crowd, but I was doubly Xanax’ed so other than being uncomfortable, I was dealing. It was when they did the 3-4 age group hunt. 100 eggs for 30 kids. They specifically said no parents, and about ten moms were out there rushing around scooping up eggs for their kid. My kid got ONE egg. It made me mad. It also made me sad when my kid said “I only got one egg, that makes me sad.”
Every time I think my opinion of people might simply be depression or past scars…Some asshole proves I was right all along.
It was soul sucking.
We were invited to a cook out Mr and Mrs’ R’s house. I hate cook outs. But after six months of coming up with excuses to avoid socializing I FORCED myself to go. It was awkward. Ten people, half of whom I didn’t know, most of them half my age. I drank wine. That helps with anxiety. It doesn’t make me a social butterfly. I tried to fake it and smile and interact. Mostly I wrangled Spook and R’s 2 year old granddaughter while the adults were busy talking. Meh, it’s my role in life, apparently. I am just more comfortable with kids.
Then his oldest daughter, with her PhD in psychology started in another one of her spiels about her bipolar mother (her mother’s diagnosis is borderline and I know this because when I was with R I saw the court ordered report from the custody psych eval they had to have done.) How can you have a psychology degree and not know the difference between borderline and bipolar? Then someone said something about hypochondria and she started in about Munchausen’s and the DSM 5 and blah blah. She didn’t even know the origin of why it was called Munchausen’s.
I did.
I really despise know it all’s. I really despise otherwise intelligent people who have personal issues and transfer them into their profession. Yes, her mother is and was a violent neurotic manipulative hypochondriac. Rather than have compassion, she shows disdain and makes it a case of “she just chooses to be that way.” Yes, we chose to be mentally ill. It’s such an awesome way of life and people look so fondly on us.
Ass trash.
Being around people like that just pushes my buttons. I went in a pissy mental space because my dad started in on me about going after the Donor for child support. “He has a brand new car, if he can afford that, then he should be forced to do the right thing.” Well that he has to be forced to take care of his kids says all I need to know about him. Real men step up and take responsibility. If you have to MAKE them then they barely deserve to be called a father. Then I specifically told my dad, “Can you just stop telling me about the man, I’m sick of hearing it.”
He called this morning to tell me my uncle saw The Donor at the store he works at.
Utterly clueless and apparently fucking deaf.
I came home last night and stayed up about two hours but my entire body ached, my head hurt, I just felt utterly drained. The shrink keeps telling me being around people will do me good. Yet it never does.
Today I have barely done shit beyond kid and cat care. I feel like I’ve been awake a week and run a marathon.
Instead of nourishing my spirit and soul socialization just taps and vein and sucks the life’s blood out of me.
Joy, joy, happy happy.