Daily Archives: April 5, 2014

Mood Swingin’

It has been two solid days of up and down. My mood is up, my mood is middle, my mood is down. Rinse, lather, repeat.

They say look for triggers in the event it’s not my mood but my personality that is being triggered by things that affect my mood.

Well, if I have a low when people visit, does it not stand to reason it would be that way every time if it were a common trigger? I don’t entirely buy into bullshit psychology where everything we do is our own fault. By that way of thinking, compassion would be dead and buried. “Oh, John got hit by a bus? Well, in all fairness, he made the CHOICE to go outside.”

Of course, had he not gone outside, then that too would have been his fault for not being social.

Society is obsessed with the blame game because it can’t accept that bad things happen for no good reason and not every bad situation has a happy ending where everyone learns a valuable lesson.Some stuff is just tragic and sucks.

Like mental illness. Let me blame my parents and their junk dna. Let me blame it on an anti biotic my mom took while pregnant. Or because it runs in my dad;s family line.

But that’s factors that come to a conclusion, an explanation. It is no one’s fault. Illnesses happen.

It’s a bitter pill to swallow. Without someone to blame and something to rage against, you’re left with the utter hollowness of knowing there is nothing you can do to change the fact you’re mentally ill. The psycho babble life coach rah rah rah squad can spew what they consider wisdom about life is what you make it, only you can change things, blah blah blah. Their ignorance shows because I doubt there’s one single person with mental illness who wouldnt flick the switch if they could to just think clearly and consistently. To let on that it’s that easy is borderline cruel, making people think it’s possible. It’s not.Some people recover, some stabilize, some sublimate…

and some of us spend our entire lives on the mood swing, desperately reaching for the sky, never quite touching it. That’s where I am today. I am down. I am out of bed and dressed anyway. I am going about my life. But the fact that everything is covered in the dark gauze of depressive distorted thought is never far from my mind. Nor are the tormenting self flogging thoughts that go along with it.

I should be stronger. I should be tougher. I should feel this way. I should want that.

But I don’t.

Paul Gascoigne – Soccer Player Living With Mental Illness

Originally posted on Mind, Body, and Soul:

According to an article in  FOX Sports , many footballers, including Paul Gascoigne, are currently experiencing mental health problems.

Paul Gascoigne

Did you know one in four footballers (or soccer players as they are know in the U.S.) are living with symptoms of anxiety and depression? Conditions for those exiting the league are even worse. One in three retired football players admitted showing signs of anxiety and depression.

With such alarming statistics, why aren’t more people talking about this issue? Why is mental health (once again) being brushed aside?

STIGMA. The stigma that haunts mental illness is almost always a part of why serious consideration isn’t given on these issues. Had a footballer suffered from a season-ending knee injury, people far and wide would be aghast but one mention of depression, and everyone shuts their mouths. In a world where strength and athleticism triumph all, mental health is pushed aside because of the taboo that it is…

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Filed under: Ranting

The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

Since it’s Friday night and Hannibal  is coming on pretty soon,  I thought I’d take the evening off and leave my readers with a few handpicked quotes that help me get through things sometimes when nothing else does. There’s a variety that range from the soulful and poetic to cranky missives on the lousy state of humanity. Enjoy!

The Good

“Time, patience, and perseverance will accomplish all things.”—My father

“Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”—Hebrews 11:1

“Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it.”—Unknown

“Sometimes God calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, and calms His child.”—Anonymous

“The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.”—I don’t know who said this either

“Don’t let ‘better’ become the enemy of ‘good’.—Dr. Awesomesauce, et. al.

“Sometimes your heart needs more time to accept what your mind already knows.”—Very wise, but I have no idea who came up with it

“Bipolar disorder can be a great teacher. It’s a challenge, but it can set you up to be able to do almost anything else in your life.”—Carrie Fisher

The Bad

“Never meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.”—Unknown

“I have the right to remain sane. I just lack the ability.”—from Fifty-One-Fifty

“It is far better to be pissed off than pissed on.”—Conventional Wisdom

“Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.”—Morticia Addams

“I Will NOT Keep Calm. I Will Raise Hell and Break Shit”—from Facebook

“Keep Calm and Let Karma Finish It”—FB

And The Ugly:

“Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me BONKERS”—More wit and wisdom from the social media

“Having cats in the house is like living with art that sometimes throws up on the carpet.”—Unknown (I quote a LOT of these unknown sources, don’t I? That’s because I get most of my good stuff off the Internet, where almost anyone can say something and be thought brilliant by at least a hundred people.)

and finally, here’s one of my very favorite sayings:

“STRESS: The confusion created when the mind overrides the body’s basic desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it!”


Bipolarly 2014-04-05 00:48:00

“There is in every true woman’s heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”  -Washington Irving 


I have been off Lexapro for a week now. It’s my first time with 0mg since my first hospitalization in 2012. Late last year, I started taking Latuda, which is for bipolar depression. It seemed like a good time to try weaning myself off of the Lexapro.
I take a lot of meds. I used to be concerned about how the pills were “changing me,” but I realized that all of the pills do is help balance me to a point where I can function normally. It seems to go against logic, but I am able to be more myself when I artificially add the chemicals that my brain lacks.
Recently I have become aware of a part of the mental health community that concerns me. Just thinking about it is making me cry right now. There are people who say that I use my pills as a “crutch.” That instead of learning techniques to control my patterns of thinking and behaving, I pop pills.
I have been struggling as I have been decreasing my Lexapro. I notice that I’m having a tougher time dealing with stress, I have been more emotional, and I am having more thoughts about self harm. I don’t know if this is because of the dosage change, stressful circumstances, or a combination of both.
I’m meeting with my psychiatrist on Monday, and we’ll be discussing whether or not I should stay off of the Lexpro. Part of me wants to show that I can manage without it – that I can use the coping skills I’ve learned in therapy. I feel like if I can get through the months of April and May, I’ll be fine. But the other part of me doesn’t want to tempt a disaster. I can’t afford to have a bad episode during these next couple months.
I honestly don’t know what to do. It is entirely possible that I would be feeling this way even with the Lexapro; things are very stressful right now. I’m still functioning. I’m going to class, doing my work, and participating in activities.
For me, it’s not a question of whether or not I will take medication. It’s a question of how much. Without the Lexapro, I’m still taking seven pills a day. I don’t think I will ever be completely drug-free, but part of me would like to embrace this chance to reduce the number of chalky tablets I put into my body.
Ultimately, I need to make this decision myself. That said, I am still interested in other opinions. It’s important to note that saying no to Lexapro right now doesn’t mean that I can never go back on it. I think that all of us have different ways of dealing with our conditions and that we shouldn’t feel shame in taking medication or choosing not to take it anymore. I’m just trying to figure out which way is right for me.