Daily Archives: March 21, 2014

My Second Life

In case you haven’t heard, Second Life is an online virtual world populated by millions of people across the globe. In the Second Life world you can be almost anyone you want to be, do almost anything you want to do, and have almost anything you want to have. Check out yesterday’s article to get … Continue reading »

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Green Smokey Eye – Beauty & Babble

Come see my tutorial for a green smokey eye, and we’ll also chat about one of my new favorite youtubers, henna, hair, foundation, and random channel updates 🙂 Continue Reading →

You’re Just Like Me: Jacque from GODisms

This week my guest blogger Jacque from GODisms  ”She is a full-time Graphic Designer with 25 years in the business, Mother of 2 boys and have been married to my Hubs for 20 years this June. She blog on my godism.wordpress.com page.  She is a Christian so my posts revolve around how God has led her to healing, and to become a better more relaxed person who is dealing with BP.”

Welcome Jacque, everyone!!


So you have a mental illness.. Which one?

Bipolar I and ADHD

When were you diagnosed & how old were you?

I was diagnosed in April of 2012, I’m 46 years old and never even knew I had the disease or much about it other than the fact that it was a “crazy” person thing. I had people ask me over the years if I was bipolar, but I never got checked out. I thought I was just a “drama queen” and that my emotions were part of my artistic personality.

How do you cope with your mental illness?

Seeing my Doctor and therapist regularly, sticking to a strict schedule of taking my meds. daily at the same time, making sure I get a minimum 7 hours of sleep daily, being open and sharing my feelings honestly on my blog helps a lot. Exercise and less caffeine will help “So I’m told”-but I’m not there yet. (I don’t want to give up my one and only vice!) lol

What are 3 words that you would describe how your illness makes you feel?

Dark, misunderstood, lost-in-my thoughts

What are some ways you relax from your illness?

Writing, listening to music, reading, going to church and talking with others who have Bipolar has helped me tremendously. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in how I feel and others who suffer as I do can be a big help in learning more about how to deal with my moods. My therapy sessions also have helped me tremendously in working through my emotions, seeing patterns and understanding how distorted feelings play a big part in daily issues.

What is some advice you would give to your fellow soldiers fighting this fight?

If you are struggling with depression, moods swings, or think you may have a personality issue, GO GET HELP! My biggest regret is that I was afraid of what I might find out about myself. What if I did have a mental illness? How would I function? The funny thing is, now that I have gotten help, I CAN function!

There are good medications that really DO help you get stabilized. Don’t hide and suffer for as long as I did, thinking “Oh well, this is just how I am”.  When you are struggling, don’t hide all alone. It’s hard to reach out when you feel dark and depressed, trust me I knowBut take that step to: talk to a friend, read blogs of others who suffer as you do, and get medical help. All these things changed my life for the better. I feel SO much better these days and my outlook is positive instead of dark and negative. Don’t let the illness run your life. Learn how to manage it , and what is the best treatment for. You can have a better life, but first, you have to take the first step to get help.

Tell us your blog or how we can keep in contact with you:

Follow my blog at godisms.wordpress.com



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Picture of Bipolar Disorder Symptoms

Bipolar Disorder is a mental disorder marked by alternating periods of elation (mania) and sadness (depression.)


Picture of Bipolar Disorder Symptoms

Bipolar Disorder is a mental disorder marked by alternating periods of elation (mania) and sadness (depression.)


The Petri Dish

I don’t remember when but at some point, I started referring to everything outside my home as the petri dish, or in short, “the dish”. As in cooking up a smorgasboard of ick. Germs, yes, but in my case…social anxiety, like germs in a petri dish. The dish of petri. Out there.

For the past couple of months I have found my anxiety morphing into a whole new animal. Used to, I’d stay in a few days and my nerves would calm and I would be itching to get out and do something, anything. Now…a trip out to run errands is like walking a gauntlet. The panic starts up with little nervous tremors, hairs on the back of my neck stand up, my legs get all wobbly, and I start to feel nauseous. Not an affectation of “It makes me feel sick.” I mean, literally, fighting back the urge to throw up. If I am out too long, it all amplifies and I wind up feeling winded, dizzy, woozy and like if I don’t get back to my safe spot, I WILL die.

Used to be just at large places like Wal-Mart. Now it’s everywhere everyday.

Today included. I am still shaken. Generally some sort of trauma causes such a visceral reaction but nothing has happened to me in public recently to bring this on. It’s a whole different animal and I don’t know how to handle it. The same old, same old, I have experience with. This…I am out of my league, and honestly I think the doctors are too. An explanation is required and there is none. I’m just a trainwreck. There is no cure, there is only management and coping as best as one can.

When you view your whole future this way, through a depression that won’t let up, thru an anxiety  that won’t let up and keeps worsening…The future doesn’t seem like much to look forward to. In fact, it just seems cruel and punishing.

Its too bad because my mood today wasn’t too bad. I got up and dressed and out the door and thought, wow, I can put on the mask and pretend to be a normal person and interact with others.

BAM. One of my other disorders decides it wants its time in the spotlight.

It sucks. There’s my profound thought for the day. Wait. It FUCKING sucks. There, deep and profound.

Not that last night was any better. A little after 11pm the power went out. Like every trailer in the park out. Panic reigned supreme. Me, in my preparedness, had a lantern with no batteries, so I scrambled to find a candle. Me, candlelight, a scared kid, and my nerves. Twas fun. When it was finally restored, it was like being freed from a prison. I don’t do Little House on The Prairie. I need my electrical tethers. They ground me when I start to spin.

I am spinning today. I feel unnerved and angry due to the dish outing and the anxiety that came with it. My jaw hurts already from gnashing my teeth. The doctors say “Don’t drink, it makes it worse.”

Right about now with every nerve ending firing wily nily and fight or flight hanging around…I’d risk worse for some numb of vodka. That’s what the professionals, and others, will never grasp. Most bipolars or depressives don’t drink to get happy or make it better. We do it to make it lesser.

I really should have gotten some vodka. Not a cure but hey,neither are the fucking meds and therapy.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Ghetto

Apart from my world and the nausea that's kept me from getting the exercise and movement that I need, I haven't been feeling all that bad. I've been able to distract myself and keep my anxiety level down pretty well. I brought back some more "Majong Titans" for serious mindless multitasking distraction. I need more than one thing at a time to distract me, but I sometimes end up getting confused, and forget something that I'm about to do once I stand up. I don't get a head rush or anything, just blank, like someone erased my "to do" list, even if it was as simple as "make tea". Sad.

This morning was nice and dark when I got outside, and went to Starschmucks for my free coffee. I'm starting to run out of empty bags that are good for a free tall drip coffee. Oh well. I hope my homeless neighbor across the street has enjoyed her free cups of joe with a smoke in the morning, as I have when I make it outside alone.

The area near the building was looking a little too ghetto this morning, though it's not as bad as that sounds. There were a pile of used needles that I had to kick away from the car, and a trail of shattered car window glass along the sidewalk and gutter that shone like a million diamonds. Gotta love that safety glass. It's so pretty when it's totally smashed like that. I can't help but like it. My vision is bad, so it becomes a blur of sparkling diamonds by street light. The moon was nowhere to be found.

I think my cat has an allergy to her scratching post, namely the chemicals in the carpeting used to make it. I could find no other thing that might have caused it, so we're taking the poor itchy baby back to the vet for another shot, and some more advice. More money, but since I haven't been going to the Dr, that's OK by me. I don't want to see her suffer or hurt herself with her massive scary claws.

Well, back to finishing my morning joe and trying to keep little Frankie calm for her unpleasant trip to the vet. She was a real trooper last time, and didn't kill anybody.

Hello From the Marijuana Capital of the World!

Hello from the People’s Republic of Boulder, the marijuana capital of the world :).  Oh my GAWD is it hard to be a non-weed user!!  I miss my oblivion.  This DBT class I’m in requires me to stay sober, which is no fun at all.  However!  Objectively, I think the marijuana was making me more depressed.  Fuck!  I hate telling the truth.

I have been going to DBT class three times a week for five weeks now.  I “think” I’m learning a lot.  Not sure if I’ve changed in any measurable, positive way.  Hmmm….that’s worth considering.  HAVE I changed in any way?  I know not.

I drive by the hospital where Dr. Sweetie works to go to DBT, so I always say “I love you, Dr. Sweetie!” as I pass by.  On Fridays I go to that same hospital to have my blood taken (a requirement if you’re on Clozaril) and I always hope that I’ll run into Dr. Sweetie.  I hope I do, and I hope I don’t :)  So far, no dice.

I have gained EIGHT POUNDS since I’ve been on the Clozaril, so Dr. BigHeart is going to switch me to another medication.  I had to make a list of all of the bipolar medications I’ve ever been on.  The list includes:  Geodon, Abilify, Lithium, Trileptal, Topamax, Latuda, Lamictal, Seroquel….I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting.  The only thing that ever did shit for me was Topamax, however, Topamax and ECT do not play well together.  Yes I’m still getting my zaps, as a matter of fact I’ll get zapped today!  I think it’s helping…I don’t know.  Still no real hope for the future.  When does that come back?  That, and my creativity is still absent.  Oh how I miss it!

I think I told you that I’ve been using Lumosity (lumosity.com) to sharpen my mental faculties.  Since I started, I’ve improved my scores by about 300%.  I think that’s a really good site, take a look at it if you’re interested in improving your mental acuity.

Well I am off to DBT now, hope you all have a fantastical day and weekend!!  Peace!

Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar ECT, Bipolar Fat, Bipolar Pothead, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Bipolar Medication, Hope, Lumosity, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

The Priesthood

I apologize to all my non-Mormon readers who may not understand the reason for this post. 

I have a firm testimony of the Priesthood and the way it is distributed in our church.  I do not want to tell anyone else how to feel or what to think.  I do not wish to involve myself in the current debate over this issue.  I make no judgments and offer no acceptance of people/opinions on either side of the argument.  There is more than enough viscera and self-righteousness on both sides to go around.  And also much truth and honest seeking.

The purpose of this post is simply to share a bit of personal revelation I received when studying this issue and pondering it in my heart.  I hope it helps someone find the answers they are looking for.

It is this.  Men are not given the responsibilities and callings they are given because they hold the Priesthood; they are given the Priesthood in order that they might fulfill the roles which are divinely theirs.

I offer this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.


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Spring Cleaning my Head


Today is the first day of spring.  The dreariness of winter is behind me and beautiful colors await me.

It is time to do my spring cleaning and work in the yard.  

In addition to cleaning out my house, I am going to clean out my head.

I am going to  erase all the negative thoughts that have built up. There is no sense in dwelling on them. There are sunny days ahead and I want to enjoy living them.

I refuse to be bogged down by the mistakes I have made.  They now are in the past just like the cold and snow of winter. 

Good bye winter!  Good bye mistakes and bad memories.  I am moving on.  

It is time to make new goals, continue dreaming and trying to focus on the positives.

I am looking forward to seeing all the flowers coming up and all the other things spring brings.  

Spring is a new beginning and therefore, I get to start fresh too. 

Happy Spring!