Clocks went forward Sunday, precursor to spring. Which means an end to the depression of seasonal affect disorder. Right? WRONG. Lots of sunshine, warmer temps and I am more depressed than ever. Plus now that everyone is outdoors and kids are coming to play with my kid, my anxiety is off the bloody charts.
And it’s paranoid fight or flight anxiety,too. I know no one is out to get me. I don’t hear voices saying otherwise. What I am getting is that physical fight or flight thing. I feel cornered, I feel scared. My body responds in kind, pounding heart, racing thoughts, shaking knees, wooziness, vertigo. It’s not constant but it is intense enough that being out in public is making me physically ill because I feel threatened at every turn. And I know I am off my nut but logic is having no impact, so I am trying to plaster on the sane face when inside my insanity is rioting.
I keep thinking about calling the shrink and waving the white flag on Viibryd. I mean, 7 weeks and I feel worse instead of better…Not impressive. And whatever is going on, it’s a clinical depression. There is nothing catastrophic in my life making me sad or stressed. Something’s wrong, I have this chemical maelstrom going on and after 7 months, I am at my wits’ end. But I’ve played the shrink game too long, I know if I do call, short of a suicide threat, they’ll say give it more time.
My kid has been waking up 2 and 3 times a night. She’s almost 5, I honestly thought she’d be over it by now. What it translates into is I am exhausted. I said as much to my dad’s clan the other day and my brother said, “Well, you had to have her.” Yes, because saying I am worn out totally means I don’t want my kid. IDIOT. I don’t known why he bothered me so much, I mean, he’s the one facing a second stalking charge over some girl in his high school so consider the source. It just set me off and even now it’s a thorn in my paw. Like I need help feeling like a bad mom, now my own brother has made me feel shitty all because after a month of not getting a solid night’s sleep I am fizzling out.
Family is often a euphamism for “people who can by law torture you and suffer no consequences”.
I have several things to look forward to this summer, and things I used to love that I can do and ya know what? I am trying desperately to care, to be positive, to not let fear get the better of me…
But if I fell asleep tonight and didn’t wake up…I don’t think I’d mind.
THAT is depression.
And I’m starting to think my pharmacy is giving me Tic-Tacs as a placebo project because the odds of so many of them not working have got to be astronomical.
I just want to live again. Or part of me does. The part of me that is in the abyss wants to gargle razor blades while juggling chainsaws. Too bad that would be lethal. Might be fun to watch on Youtube.