Daily Archives: February 10, 2014

What’s New

Winter 2009

I have been a little scarce on both writing here and reading other blogs.  Hopefully I will feel more like myself soon.  I’m just trying to rest as much as possible and simplify my days for now.  I do have a few random thoughts and updates to share:

-Winter in Georgia can be quite a trainwreck sometimes.  A little bit of snow and/or ice and the whole state shuts down.  I’m sure we provide quite a few eyerolls for the northern states who are used to several feet of snow, but our little southern world is just never prepared for it, meaning that many roads are impossible to drive.  I have been packing today because we are spending the night at the hotel my fiance works at in preparation for the 7-inch snow and sheets of ice that are predicted.  I have packed for a three day stay, but hopefully we aren’t stuck there for that long.  But by being at the hotel, it ensures that my fiance can work (and will probably rack up more overtime since other employees aren’t apt to show up) and I will not be stuck at home, potentially without power, by myself with a crazed toddler (who, by the way, is terrified by the sight of snow). 

My girls playing nicely together! 2009

-I am 9 lb down in my weight loss endeavor.  I have 41 more to go until I reach the ideal healthy weight for a woman my height and age.  Making it through mild to moderate depression without binge eating is a challenge; usually I eat to feel the void; now I am forcing myself to get up and exercise every time I feel that urge.   

-Is it wrong of me to wish this 2 1/2 year old had an OFF button?  I swear I’d turn him right back on in just a few minutes.  

-While I will probably be offline for a few days due to the hotel stay, I am thinking when I get back I will run a few public domain articles on here that contain some useful information.  I figure it will be a nice break from my dreary personal posts, and I certainly haven’t had time to write any of my own informational articles for a while, which is what I originally planned for this blog to be.  

-A couple of days ago I wrote down all the things I could think of that were bothering me.  The list was getting pretty long and, honestly, I got bored writing it all down.  I don’t know if I will ever share it on here, but I will say it was an eye opener.  Sometimes it’s hard to pinpoint exactly where the problem lies until we force ourselves to make note of it.  Looking at that list, I can now decide what I can change and what I must accept.  My next project:  writing down all the good things in my life. 

My son hating the snow 2014

The Power Of "Swearing Like a Sailor"

Ok... I am really fucking fighting the goddamn nausea now to get back into the swing of things this morning. I got up at 6, dressed for workout, did a load of laundry, read blogs/g+ stuff, made and drank coffee and tea, and am now sipping some more tea (jasmine), hoping the fucking nausea will pass.

I really need to wash my hair, and the only way I'm going to get to do it is to get in the shower. And the only way to force myself into the shower is to get on the treadmill. My goal is only 2mi as I'm just starting again to make it a habit again. My alarm will go off at 10.30am, the time that's supposed to be the latest that I should allow myself to start exercising. The end of the lazy little shit period. I don't think I'm going to make it, but I'm going for 11 or 11.30 at the latest.

Fuck it. I should feel better soon. I had a piece of a baguette from yesterday's trip in the snow to the store. Saltines and more water will be my next move. Yuck.

Mmmm... now. Fuck. Fuck Fuck!!!

I don't want to start a week failing at anything that I need/want to do. I'm afraid that everything will go downhill from there. I've got a shrink appointment on Wednesday to get anxious over! I can't let shit just go from fucking bad to worse. The snowball of shit effect! Damn. Just writing that turned my stomach.

Yes, so it's saltines and water. Fuck! Motherfucking FUCK!
No! Fuck! I won't let it get to me!


I swore like a sailor, got disgusted and angry with my meds side effects and said FUCK YOU, I'm gonna do it! Fuck you! So I made it to the treadmill with enough time to watch "Supernatural", lose track of time by concentrating on the show as much as I could, and reached my goal. Fuck Yeah!

Oh, and I do plan on eating some spinach later.

Psychoactive drugs and mental illness. People want scientists to test illicit subjects for use

This article really grinds me gears. Why? Because its more of an opinion article than a scientific research article. I’ll get into it a bit with some quotes. Here’s the article link.

Let’s give mentally ill people drugs and see what they do!

Discovery of new psychiatric medication, whether for the treatment of depression, autism or schizophrenia, is at a virtual standstill. As just one example, the antidepressants on the market today are no more effective at reversing the mood disorder than those that first became available in the 1950s.


Mental patients 1950′s.


Mental patients 2000′s.

See a difference?

Autism isn’t generally treated with medication, and new medications are not at a standstill. Medications from the 1950′s are rarely used today, except in emergencies, or when all else has failed, and there are a lot of trial’s going on and new medications popping up all over the place. A lot of TCA’s from the late 1950′s (they were made in the 1950′s and approved later that decade) are being phased out and now used for pain management, for example, Elavil, is fantastic for fibromyalgia, but they still work.

SNRI’s were approved in 1994, with Effexor.

From another article:

There appears no significant difference in effectiveness between SSRIs and tricyclic antidepressants, which were the most commonly used class of antidepressants before the development of SSRIs. However, SSRIs have the important advantage that their toxic dose is high, and, therefore, they are much more difficult to use as a means to commit suicide. Further, they have fewer and milder side effects. Tricyclic antidepressant also have a higher risk of serious cardiovascular side effects, which SSRIs lack.

Okay, sure, tricyclics are good. SSRI’s sure are safer, though.

Before the 1950s, opioids, amphetamine, and methamphetamine were commonly used as antidepressants. Their use was later restricted due to their addictive nature and side effects

From the article

LSD, ecstasy (MDMA), psilocybin and marijuana have, for decades, been designated as drugs of abuse. But they had their origins in the medical pharmacopeia. Through the mid-1960s, more than 1,000 scientific publications chronicled the ways that LSD could be used as an aid to make psychotherapy more effective. Similarly, MDMA began to be used as a complement to talk therapy in the 1970s. Marijuana has logged thousands of years as a medicament for diseases and conditions ranging from malaria to rheumatism.

Yea, throughout the 1950′s-1970′s there was something called MKULTRA.

MKULTRA was the first thing I thought when I heard of this article, and LSD being used as a “psychiatric medication”.


Princeton on MKULTRA

These covert tests included subjecting the unwitting subjects to hallucinogenic drugs and other chemicals, among other things.


Basically, LSD was given to people as a “truth serum”. A few people died, not of overdose, but of suicide. One CIA officer jumped out of a window, and the truth was blacked out forever. (Remember, MKULTRA was never approved by the president). They wanted to find the Manchurian Candidate, the perfect spy who could be trained, during the Cold War. They experimented on normal citizens, prisoners, mental patients and other CIA officers.

Once Project MKUltra officially got underway in April, 1953, experiments included administering LSD to mental patients, prisoners, drug addicts and prostitutes, “people who could not fight back”, as one agency officer put it.[32] In one case LSD was administered to a mental patient in Kentucky for 174 days


Another technique investigated was connecting a barbiturate IV into one arm and an amphetamine IV into the other.[38] The barbiturates were released into the person first, and as soon as the person began to fall asleep, the amphetamines were released. The person would then begin babbling incoherently, and it was sometimes possible to ask questions and get useful answers.



Many victims of MKULTRA were in mental hospitals, even one in Montreal, Canada.


Other experiments involved drugs such as temazepam (used under code name MKSEARCH), heroinmorphineMDMAmescalinepsilocybinscopolaminemarijuanaalcoholsodium pentothal, and ergine (in Subproject 22)

Still think it’s a good idea? We do still use temazepam as a sleeping pill, but we use it carefully, with permission, and not in insanely high doses.

Anyone who has done MDMA, or ecstasy, knows that it will drive you to suicide the next day, or pretty close to it. If you look at brain scans of someone doing MDMA daily, it can literally cut holes in your brain.

cokeecstasy images

Neuroimaging (1st image) MDMA Basics (2nd image) Both Brain Scans of Brains on Drugs

“Despite its reputation as a relatively benign drug, data from animal and human studies suggest that MDMA may cause brain damage after just a few doses,unlike ‘harder’ drugs like cocaine and heroin, which take years to damage brain tissue.”  Link

I’ve tried Ecstasy, and in a more purer form, MDMA, at raves, and had a helluva day  the next day. I honestly wanted to kill myself, I crashed so hard. Not a good drug for the mentally ill, even if you’re taking your meds. Some people say, “well, take 5-HTP”, or “take an antidepressant as a booster the next day”. I did both, neither worked. I crashed hard, for days.

From the original article

these drugs are banned because they have no accepted medical use, but researchers cannot explore their therapeutic potential because they are banned. Three United Nations treaties extend similar restrictions to much of the rest of the world.

Well, there’s got to be a good reason for why they’re banned in most of the fucking world and not being used on psych patients! Sheesh.

Marijuana, I don’t have a problem with. We know it has medicinal values, mostly in the CNB, not the THC. It’s being legalized all over the US, and I’m Canadian. While not a user myself, and a strong hater of it in recreational form, I know it has benefits for many. As for LSD and MDMA, I see no benefit. This is just my opinion. I don’t think many mentally ill would benefit from LSD and MDMA, that they’ve been tested, given a chance, and shouldn’t even be categorized with marijuana. Period.

When My Husband Acts Like a Jerk

This is what goes through my mind, when my husband acts like a jerk…

Makeup Time-Lapse: Loreal Magic Nude Liquid Powder Foundation

Makeup Time-Lapse: Loreal Magic Nude Liquid Powder Foundation – how well does it wear?



This is so true.
So wrong…

Filed under: Images

Therapy Thursday – Hoarding & Addiction

This episode of Therapy Thursday focuses on the difficult topic of hoarding and addictions…

Fitness Fridays #2

My fitness vlog and motivation series…

Shouldn’t The Words Begin To Flow?

I have been wanting to write about a particular subject from the time I started this blog two years ago.  I would not even make an attempt because I knew if I wrote about this I’d hurt family members who follow my blog.  I wouldn’t intentionally hurt them, so I did my best to let […]

Fuck The Status Quo

If you are reading this in hopes of something profound and lighthearted, please move along. Nothing of that ilk to see her.

The shark week hormones are swirling like a tornado funnel cloud and it is not pretty. Not for me, not for anyone who has done the tiniest thing to irk me, fail me, dismiss me. If there is ANY slight you have committed against me, the hormones are swirling, kicking up the dust, and arming with so much anger and resentment that avoiding me is a good idea. I have been trying to isolate myself because my mood is vile and I am in crampy pain from hell and OF COURSE this is when everyone decides to come by and visit. To my credit I haven’t taken anyone’s head off. Also, I have shown as much enthusiasm for socializing as one might display for a lobotomy with an ice pick. NOT a good time. I try to keep it in check but if hormones were that easily controlled the world would be a significantly different place. This shit is like being drunk and on drugs all at once.

My net was down for 2 days so at least I didn’t offend anyone on line or post anything too vicious.

Which leads me to the title.

I’ve done soo much introspection and soul searching I could puke. The fact is, I have mental illnesses. You don’t snap out of them, you don’t “behave” your way out of them. You deal best you can by taking the meds and struggling to survive.

The “therapy” solution everyone touts as gospel…I’ve come to the conclusion that at a certain point, it does not work or even help. What therapy has done for me more than anything is make me aware of all these labels of disorders for my personality thus giving me a dozen other things to feel inferior for and resentful about. Seriously. No one seems to want to THINK about, and hey, maybe this is exclusive to my local center but…You can’t walk in and say “I’m struggling with some things, I’d like to talk to someone.”

Oh, they will give you someone to talk to. AFTER “intake sessions”. This is where they spend maybe an hour total asking routine questions from their little counselor book THEN they’ve earned to distinction of knowing you well enough to label you with this disorder and that disorder, sticking it in your file for good. Your mental illness is not a factor. You were raped in an alley once by a biker gang and now you fear dark alleys and are paranoid of men in biker jackets? PARANOID DISORDER. Therefore it’s all your fault for not getting over it and allowing it to affect your life.


If I could go in and talk to someone without this labeling thing being a necessity…I’d be okay with therapy. But this shit, combined with this new regime that even asks to know if you’re sexually active, as if that has any bearing on your financial stress or difficult with single parenting…I find this intrusive, offensive and frankly, asinine.

The bottom line for me is… I have NEVER fit in the neat little box society dictated, not even as a small child. I’ll be damned if you will convince me I had a personality disorder when I was six and preferred playing with cats to dressing up as a princess. Some people…are different. Society favors words like “eccentric” and “weird.”

I like the term unconventional. Just because I am not on board with what society dictates as a norm doesn’t mean my way is a disorder. The road less traveled is just that. I have a slew of unconventional beliefs that will be labeled disorders and some sort of psychological scar and still… my conviction is iron.

I do not kill people. I don’t torture small animals. I do not steal. I do not get jollies hurting others physically or emotionally. I loathe drama. I don’t desire to be the center of attention. I don’t feel the need to convert others to my way of thinking.

I am not the fucked up mess their personality disorder labels have made me feel I am. My entire misery begins and ends with trying to be something I am not. THAT is the disorder, THAT is what causes all of my unhappiness.

Mind you, it does not negate my own awareness or need to take responsibility for my flaws that contribute to my problems. The biggest step I can take for this is to stop trying to be something I am not. For an anti conformist I seem to spend a lot of time trying to conform and fit into that box societal norms create. That’s my failure. And it needs to stop.

And while this no doubt earns me a brand new personality disorder label, I’m pretty convinced now that I am seeing the true problem in my behavior. There is nothing fatally wrong with me.

I’m just a little feral and surrounded by people who want to own a domesticated pet.

Fuck the status quo. Their way didn’t work for me in spite of me being told a thousand times is MUST be done that way.

If I can ever get out of this vile mind frame and think clearly…Maybe it’s time to start thinking about what I want, what will work for me.

If that fails..fuck it, I’m taking up voodoo.