I’m having trouble really expressing my thoughts today but I’m still going to post. For the last few weeks I’ve definitely been in a depressive state more so than hypomanic. I’m caught in this weird mix of self respect and self loathing. Not sure how the two are happening at once, but they are. I go from feeling really proud of what I’m accomplishing at work to feeling down and lonely. I know most of this has to do with me adjusting to my new antidepressant. It hasn’t been long enough for the medication to be at it’s peak so I am still sad most of the time. But I do still get those flashes of “aww yeah I rock” here and there, which is good. My concentration is poor, hence this meandering post. Depression for me is marked by withdrawing and isolating and appetite changes. I’ve been subsisting mostly on coffee and sporadic meals. I have a lot of trouble getting up in the morning, no matter how much sleep I get and once I get to work I’m irritable and want to leave. I still somehow manage to get a lot of high quality work done and interact politely with others, but it’s just so exhausting. I’ve said before that bipolar is exhausting, but it really is, there is just no other term to describe it.
I’ve heard people say that taking medication for bipolar kills your creativity. I am finding my creativity is there but my mind is so unfocused I can’t concentrate long enough to act upon my ideas. So the crafts and DIYs sit untouched a bit longer. I hang on in my little life raft and wait until I can see clear skies again.