Monthly Archives: February 2014

My heart's just broken and may end up crippled forever. Or was it always crippled? It's been crippled since the early 70's. A big piece seems to be missing. Was it cut out? Did it burn out? It's definitely busted. No tears. No unkind words toward me or deeds. Could there be a void?

Oh how I wish I had a fucking drink or seven.

If you have bipolar disorder and have done some really off the wall things, it does not really do you any good to dwell on it. Move on and laugh it off. By dwelling on the silly things you did and what people are going to think of you, is wasting time.  Move on.

Sometimes they can be things that you are really shameful about, but if you take the right approach to it, then it will be a healthier decision.

I have done some really crazy things while I was manic.  Often times it has taken me months if not years to put them in my past.  Why do I waste my time dwelling on them?

I have a mental illness. Sometimes, I am going to get manic and I have to accept that. I am accountable for what I do and really do not like using my illness as an excuse. However, I also know that I wouldn’t have done them if I was not in a manic episode.  It is an explanation not an excuse.

Today, I had somewhat of a revelation.  I am currently feeling like I might be on the pathway to mania.  I told my support system including my fiancee.  I told him I as flying. I had never used that term as I always had said racing. Well, in my book, flying is worse.  Anyway, he asked me if  I was flying as that I am manic.  I said no, I am flying to Las Vegas, Nevada. He was confused so I said that that is something I might do when I was manic.  I thought that made light of things.

Awhile after I have had a manic episode and done things I am not proud of, I dwell on it for a long time. Eventually, I can usually laugh at it.  However, wouldn’t be better to just deal with it right away?  Face up- I screwed up. Most people don’t even know that I did. They might think I am odd, but you don’t have to have a mental illness to do odd things.

Plus who cares what they think?  It is what I think. I have never ended up in jail or lost my job because of something I have done . I may have lost friends, but that is fine and understandable.

So, if you are currently ashamed about something you have done in the past because you were manic, think of a way it could be made into a joke and laugh it off. Move on as it is not healthy to keep thinking about it and dwelling on it.

I did a blog awhile ago entitled “How Do People with Bipolar Disorder Deal with Things They’ve Done While in a Manic Episode?” that you might want to read that pertains to this.

I would love to hear your stories of how you have made light of things. Please send them to bipolarbandit@gmail.com  I plan to do a blog in the future listing those. I will not use  names.

Go out and be odd!

My review of the Bobbi Brown BB Cream… Continue Reading →

Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: faith, happiness, hope, love, patience

I’ve always been a problem sleeper.

My parents despaired of me even as an infant, for I could stay awake half the night and be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at six AM. I never fell asleep in the carriage like most babies, and I didn’t even take naps unless I was sick. I was a champion non-sleeper, and the fact that I was using all this extra awake time for learning didn’t seem to impress those around me except perhaps for my sister, who taught me how to read and tell time long before I went to kindergarten.

All of this changed when I was a teenager, however. Suddenly I went from being up with the chickens to a complete slug who was never seen out of bed voluntarily before noon on the weekends. I drank in sleep like thirsty people slurp water when they’ve been exercising in hot weather, and to some extent that’s still true. I am a firm believer in the restorative qualities of sleep, and if I had my druthers I’d sleep a full eight hours a night…..ideally from about 2-10 AM. Failing that, I love nothing better than to snuggle up with Will and the dog on a winter’s afternoon, and doze contentedly in the La-Z-Boy.

Alas, I am old and my zzzz’s are not what they used to be. In fact, a good night’s sleep is quite the elusive little devil, and its absence is felt deeply……especially when I’m on the cusp of a mood episode. There’s no middle ground: I either want to sleep 20 hours a day, or else it’s “who the hell needs sleep? I got things to do and people to annoy!” Not only that, my sleep tends to be fitful now, and I seldom get a full night in without waking up at least once…..and usually a lot more than that.

To say that this plays hell with my moods would be the understatement of the year. What I can’t seem to figure out is whether I get wacky because I’m not sleeping well, or whether I’m not sleeping well because I’m wacky. Either way, disturbed sleep is ALWAYS an indicator that the fecal material is about to collide with the oscillatory ventilation system, and I’m learning that I can’t let it go for more than a couple of nights.

Fortunately, I’ve become more self-aware in recent months, and am less resistive to taking my super-duper anti-crazy pill that doubles as a sleeper. It sure saved my bacon a couple of nights ago, when I was wound up tighter than a spring—again—and decided to quit messing around and take the full dose.

Two days later, I am still quite sane, and I didn’t even take the super-duper anti-crazy pill last night. But I have had a couple of decent nights of shut-eye, and I am one of the most reasonable people you’ll ever meet when I’ve slept well. I’m easygoing, not easily annoyed or argumentative, and I don’t even flip people the bird in traffic. I can even maintain that pleasant demeanor as long as I have a stable sleep pattern. But give me a night or two of broken, unrefreshing, and/or inadequate sleep, and my brain basically shits the bed. (No pun intended.)

Now it’s to bed, perchance to sleep…..and maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll still be a happy camper tomorrow.

 

 

 

Silence. Sometimes nothing speaks louder than silence.

My spouse spent most of his day in/on the bed with his computer in the bedroom after having his coffee this morning. He didn't get up until after 8am. That is the latest he has slept in that I can remember. When he took his morning coffee, once again, the unsigned tax forms sat in a neat pile on the coffee table. I asked him twice if there was something wrong, and he assured me there wasn't.

He came out of the bedroom around 4.30pm to scavenge around in the kitchen. He ate a bowl of cereal while waiting for his microwaved potato to cook. I offered him some of the fruit I was eating, but he declined. Instead, he grabbed the remote, and switched the tv over to the usual cartoons: American Dad, Family Guy, and The Simpsons. He tossed the remote on top of the unsigned tax forms when he was done with it. 

It's all too often the same. Cartoons and a laptop. Barely a word, if any, to me. Silence.

Is he playing the passive-aggressive game again? Is there something he wants to say about the taxes, but is too chickenshit or something to directly confront me? I'm all about direct confrontation. Get shit out of the way and try and move on. He likes to hold grudges for days, punish with silence and hiding out in the bedroom for days, or going out for a few drinks with someone else.

There are 3 working pens on the table, and the only person that's been using them has been me, for paying bills and rent. I'm beginning to think that he's going to "accidentally" spill tea on the forms. He cannot bring himself to confront me with whatever revelation he's had or what issue he has now about the tax forms. I knew his attitude would change once the buzz wore off, once he'd had a lot of time to himself to think, once he'd had a lot of sleep and naps.

But he remains silent. I think Frankie the cat spoke more to me today than he did.

Silence can wound. Silence can kill.