Daily Archives: January 26, 2014

Calm. The. Fuck. Down.

One minute everything seems hunky dory, the next, it's funky poor-y. Fucking anxiety. It is a fact that I pretty much live thinking consciously/unconsciously that I have to do everything as fast as I possibly can, like the Energizer Bunny on wicked coke and a portable caffeine IV. I reminded myself of that as soon as I was done washing up and getting dressed in the bathroom. Then I went into the bedroom and told my spouse the same shit, and that there is absolutely no fucking reason why I should be in a rush about anything! I'm on disability! I can't work! I don't have something that needs taking care of 24/7 FFS. As soon as I was done mentioning it, I let myself cry a tear or two and walk away. I don't like to let myself cry ever, if I can help it.

Fuck this moody shit! Fuck this hormonal hell! Fuck this manic/depressed shit! Yummy is this cinnamon graham cracker!

I do have one really good thing to be giving myself a pat on the back for (or cinnamon graham cracker), and that is getting on the treadmill again! And on a Sunday, of all days, after getting a wake-up paw poke in the face from the cat at 5ish. I just need to calm my ass down and try not to overdo it on the clonopin (addictive) and Seroquel.

Ok, now I have to find something to post with this...

Google and Your Already Paranoid Brain

Yeah, use their search engine and the products you were looking at will magically show up on most of the other websites you go to, even ones you have to use a password to get into, making you more paranoid than you already are. And of course the old news that your email is being scanned for ads as well. I get tired of shit I looked at already. I don't fucking want to see it anymore And what's the point of this silly ad, knowing all the above and after the NSA was exposed?

2 people spied on you - www .webshieldonline .com - Free tool that shows you who's spying on you!

Two people? Shit, fucker, get in line. Slowpoke. I'll tell you who's the tool.

And now I have to stop because the side effect from meds of nausea is getting to me.

In The Mood

And now, a few words on mood charting.

There are several schools of thought on this. Some people think mood charting is too much of a hassle, while others don’t care to be reminded of their illness on a daily basis. (What these folks think when they take their meds is beyond me.) Then you have your mood-chart junkies like me, who have to try them all out and become obsessive about keeping them up……sometimes to the detriment of other activities, like surfing the ‘Net or sleeping.

I’m actually down to two now. I use a paper one that tracks mood and medications, and then there’s Optimism Online, which has been a godsend as I can track both mood and sleep patterns over time. It also can be customized so you can rate your diet, exercise, stress/anxiety levels, hydration, and how well you play with others on a scale of 1 to 10.

One night a few weeks ago, I did a look-back over the 23-month period since my diagnosis, and the pattern that emerged was so stark I cannot imagine how the hell I ever had the nerve to question that diagnosis. It looks like the EKG tracing of a person with atrial fibrillation (a condition that makes the heart beat irregularly)—up, down, up…..down………up..down……….up………..down… well, you get the picture.

mood chart

Gee, ya think I’ve got a little bipolar going on here? Dr. Awesomesauce thought so too when I showed him this screenshot…..but then of course, he’s kept track of my moods for awhile himself.

The red lines on top show my moods; the gray ones (which are hard to see) represent how well I coped on a given day; and where you see only a gray line and no red, that merely means I ranked both mood and coping ability at the same level. The dark blue lines show whether I did any physical activity. And at the bottom, the orange lines are for hours of sleep and the bright blue ones denote sleep quality.

What surprised me was how much time I spend in depression. I always thought I lean more toward mania just because I tend to be hypomanic, or what I call ‘pre-hypomanic’, a fair amount of the time; but the truth is, it’s pretty damn equal, both in scope and severity. (But if you happen to look toward the end of the squiggly lines, you’ll see a nice flattening out of the mood line, which blends into the gray “coping” one. That’s where I am now, and have been for the past couple of months. :-) )

So, that’s why I’m so anal-retentive about keeping a mood chart. There’s a lot that can be learned from tracking trends and seeing what else is going on at the time an episode of mania or depression begins. In time, I hope to be able to use this tool as a method of getting on top of them BEFORE things go flying out of control….and that I see much, much more of that flat gray line.

Mental health evaluation ordered in ‘exorcism’ slayings

Mental health evaluation ordered in ‘exorcism’ slayings

Did anyone read about this?

Two women are being charged for killing two kids because they said that they were possessed by demons! Now, they are being mentally evaluted to see if they are crazy.

UMMM…YEAH! They are crazy! but not you and me kind of crazy, they are CRAY CRAY CRAZY!

but.. if they do have a mental illness, then yes this is another case of the mind getting to these women and making them do horrible things…but…

both women had the same mental illness?

both women both saw the same “demon”

were they on drugs?

What if there really was a demon, like for real?

The women described themselves as “demon assassins”. What if they really were, like some Keanu Reeve Constantine shit…

I don’t know at all, but what I do know is if you take a life, you need to be evaluated for everything!


Reblogged from 52/7:



Bellevue has a renowned psychiatric emergency care unit.  The psychiatric unit, alone, treats roughly 7000 people a year for serious mental illness.

Bellevue Hospital was founded in the early 1700's and provided various medical services.  It was not until the 1870's that a wing was created for the 'insane'.  At that time, it was considered quite revolutionary as the wing was on the same grounds and in close proximity to the rest of the hospital.  

Read more… 81 more words

  WHAT! A place that helps the mentally-illed FOR REAL?! WOW! This needs to be rang from the rooftops! THE HILLS ARE ALIVE with the sound of SUCCESS!

It’s Great to be Mom

My life’s purpose can be summed up by this:

Dad brings kid to me.  “He’s your son.”  Meaning kid has pooped.  I clean it (obviously). Because I am Mom.  That is what I do.  I do whatever everyone else is too busy, too grossed out, or feels too degrading to do.  I don’t receive a paycheck for it.  But maybe, just maybe my kids will always love me.  That is “pay” enough.  

And, besides. If anyone ever offered to change the poopy diapers for ME, I would die of shock.