I had a bad night. I started doubting everything about myself. My mind was swirling around a million ideas at once, all a million times faster than I could keep up with. I hated myself. I hated everything about my life. I hated that I can’t focus enough to change anything. I couldn’t sleep. I would start crying but then I would stop because I was tired and angry and not in the mood to cry…but then I would start crying again anyway. I was on edge, restless, and completely without a compass to direct me back to level ground. My fiance was off last night but it did no good because I couldn’t articulate a solid sentence of what was wrong. He’s a fixer and he wants to fix what’s wrong when I feel bad. But you just can’t fix this stuff. I did tell him I would like my head cut open so all this crap could drain out. He didn’t approve of that type of fix.
Today, I’m a milder degree of the same. I really don’t feel well, not just mentally, but physically too (damn that time of the month). I want to sleep, but I can’t sleep. I want to relax, but I can’t get rid of all this noise and static and tangled mass of cords in my head. I am just trying to keep my temper under control and give my son what he needs for a good day. No sense in both of us being miserable.