Mixed and Tangly

I had a bad night.  I started doubting everything about myself.  My mind was swirling around a million ideas at once, all a million times faster than I could keep up with.  I hated myself.  I hated everything about my life.  I hated that I can’t focus enough to change anything.  I couldn’t sleep.  I would start crying but then I would stop because I was tired and angry and not in the mood to cry…but then I would start crying again anyway.  I was on edge, restless, and completely without a compass to direct me back to level ground.  My fiance was off last night but it did no good because I couldn’t articulate a solid sentence of what was wrong.  He’s a fixer and he wants to fix what’s wrong when I feel bad.  But you just can’t fix this stuff.  I did tell him I would like my head cut open so all this crap could drain out.  He didn’t approve of that type of fix.  

Today, I’m a milder degree of the same.  I really don’t feel well, not just mentally, but physically too (damn that time of the month).  I want to sleep, but I can’t sleep.  I want to relax, but I can’t get rid of all this noise and static and tangled mass of cords in my head.  I am just trying to keep my temper under control and give my son what he needs for a good day.  No sense in both of us being miserable.  

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