|“Man starts over again every day, in spite of all he knows, against all he knows.” -Emil Cioran|
I’m two weeks into the new year, and I am already losing focus on the things I had planned for 2014. As I have stated before, I am not usually into the resolution thing, but I did set a few goals for myself, which were:
1.) Deactivate Facebook for the year (mainly so I would have less distractions, but also because there were some things I was seeing on a daily basis that were really bumming me out)
2.) Finish book revisions on one of my four books (I actually ended up ditching the memoir concept and am rewriting the whole thing in another light…it came to me in a dream, yada yada don’t judge my process)
3.) Do some type of exercise every day (nothing brutal, just something besides light housework and chasing after a toddler, which I have actually gotten pretty good at doing from the comfort of my chair)
I have made good on my vow to deactivate Facebook for the year. I have made a quick stop-in on the site twice, but that was to retrieve something from my private messages that I had forgotten to save elsewhere. While I miss the people I socialized with on there (some of them, anyway) I don’t miss the other stuff.
My book work was strong the first week, but I am already slipping, and I know it is because I am, once again, doubting myself. I know what I want to write about, what I need to write about, but I am fearful of the consequences. You know, the point where someone besides me might read it. But, I must refocus on the project and not the outcome. Tell that inner critic to go jump down a mine shaft and work furiously until she climbs back out. I am determined to not let her win this year. I can’t spend another year in failure where this is concerned. And no, I am not even worried about prospect of publishing; I just want to have a complete book that surpasses the crappy rough draft. I have four of those. I just want ONE COMPLETED BOOK!
I also fell off the wagon when it comes to exercise after one day. Yes, one day. Actually, to be perfectly honest, I did not even make it all the way through the whole workout that first day. During the part where I was on the floor doing leg exercises I just kind of…stayed there for a while, and then I got up and forgot about the rest of the workout. Shameful, I know. But at least I’m honest.
I have a pattern in my life of starting and quitting things quite rapidly. I get really sparked up about doing it, actually believe in myself, and then it’s like I purposely go out of my way to prevent myself from accomplishing it. I know I’m not the only person who practices this type of self-sabotage. But I’m the only one I can actually change. And that’s what this year is really supposed to be about. Changing the way I have done things in the past, just for one year, to see if it makes a difference. I know it will make a difference. I just have to do it. I still have 351 days to prove it. So, here I go…