Daily Archives: January 5, 2014

What to Say, What to Say

See, look maw, I’ve not fallen of the wagon, honest!

That’s significantly more chipper than I’m actually feeling, heh.

The draw-down of Seroquel is going quite well, I’m happy to report. The draw-down doses aren’t extended release, so I feared some massive zombie-ism. The first morning I needed a bit of extra caffeine, but I’m otherwise coping fine. With that, at least.

There’s definitely things interrupting my serenity though, I’ve got to admit. For starters, my beloved child brought home lice from school. Before Christmas break. And making it go away is taking a veerrrrry long time. She’s got super-fine hair and a tendency to scream and jerk when someone (especially and mainly me) tries to comb her hair. Lice terrifies me — they love me long time, and I brought them home more than my 3 other siblings combined. So yeah, this has kept my stress levels very high, and even brought me to shout at my poor husband once because I am just that terrified and I felt he wasn’t taking me seriously. But we’re getting it sorted together, so hopefully we’ll lick it yet. Until then, my head is gonna be itchy. :s

I’m also in mourning a bit right now. I hit a fucking enough point with one of my closest friends the other day, and I’m not really sure I can continue on in the relationship. The behavior caused me to cease talking to them for years when we were younger, and we had fairly recently discussed this and the likelihood of it happening again. It did, I’m devastated, but… I don’t give third chances? I want to. I want to be convinced that it will never happen again and that I will get an apology for the increasingly dismissive and uninterested behavior that’s building up for months. I know they will be upset in the same way once they realize, but I don’t really know if they’re going to realize soon enough for me to still be malleable, and I continue to be furious to the point where I am seriously considering cutting off all possible lines of communication. I’ve already spent two days crying, and my eyes are painfully dry today.

But really, if not for those two things, I’d be doing pretty well. I *am* doing pretty well; I’m still eating and cracking jokes and finding pleasure in things. It doesn’t change that there’s hurt and stress, but it’s not devastating, even with the meds on the decrease. I’m still chatting with friends on Facebook and Twitter, I’m sleeping well, and… well. It’s mainly well. Plus, I think the kid might be moving around enough for me to feel him/her (I’m 17 weeks now), so that’s sort of neat. Yanno, as long as my ribs and bladder don’t become punching bags. xD

I should probably try to go to bed and do some reading. I hope everyone is doing well, and that the new year isn’t stressing y’all out too much.


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Food and OCD

Today is a day where I realize how messed up my habits are. Or really, how I have OCD compulsive behaviors that rule little things that rule my daily life.

I have rules about eating food. They have been the butt of jokes among my friends for years. Well before I was diagnosed with OCD, my friends had always made fun of me for “being OCD” and constantly pointed out my bizarre eating habits as one bizarre symptom as proof. I used to get really annoyed with them for it, and tell them that they were stupid for thinking it, but looking back, oh, I’m realizing that they definitely had some points.

Rules (just a few of them):

  • Types of food cannot touch if they are different (i.e. veggies & fruit cannot touch).
  • Unless it is served as mixed fruit/veggies, those must be separated.
  • Cold food is eaten first, then warm food, then hot food.
  • Go by eating fruits/veggies in order of rainbow (red–>purple).
  • Eat starch foods before non-starch foods.
  • If I have corn, that is absolutely the first thing that gets eaten, outside of all other rules.

All of these are just a few that come to mind consciously for me at the moment. Or that have been pointed out to me as habits I do. I’ve never consciously noted what I do when I eat, but I do know that I cannot go out of a certain order.

My friends think it is hilarious. Personally, I find it frustrating. I’ve gotten better. Those do seem like a lot of rules for me, but it is better than it used to be. It is still bad, I won’t deny that, but it gets better the more I slowly push myself to bend the rules. When my friends make fun of it, I’ve learned to just tell them to leave me alone, and for the most part they drop the issue. My family is actually worse, I think. They’re the ones (my sister was the prime culprit) that used to deliberately make the types of food on my plate touch, which used to seriously freak me out.

I don’t like it when my foods touch each other. It used to be so bad that I couldn’t eat foods once they’d touched. I would refuse to eat anything if it had touched another food on my plate. Now though (and this is a huge accomplishment for me), I can at manage to eat foods when they touch. So, at restaurants, where food is always touching each other on plates, I just have to separate the foods from touching after it is served to me–and then I go about eating it in my order. But, I can eat all of the food without those thoughts going through my head anymore (well, mostly) about the food being contaminated. I know, logically it isn’t, and I feel better that I can actually eat food in public.

So, my food eating compulsive behaviors are definitely strange. I know they are. I know they’re a coping mechanism to help me deal with the thoughts in my head. Still, I have gotten it far more in control than I would have ever thought. It is a constant struggle though, as I know that if I do not work at it, I am going to lose the ground I’ve gained in this.

What Is The New Name For This Blog? Contest Winners Announced

I was overwhelmed and honored to have over 100 blog names submitted. I originally planned to go with something more professional rather than it sounding like a personal blog. On the other hand, my writing is usually pretty light-hearted and I felt like the name should reflect that. Torn between each, my mind went back … Continue reading »

Been Having Thought Block

I need to write something or else I will truly go off the deep end of the pool where swimmers need little arm floaties, or some other cute way of keeping kid’s from drowning. I would very much like to know where my floaties went. Somebody took my floaties, and now here I am in […]

What (new) fresh hell

Been running the mood gamut today.Started ok-ish. Then began slipping downward. Cramps complicated my motivation to venture into the petri dish. But I managed it. Avoided the closer store because it is always so packed and they run one cashier so a ten minute trip becomes an hour ordeal. What I failed to take into account was the fact it’s not only Saturday, but the forecast is calling for hella snow and negative temps so everyone and their dog was out stocking up.

The logic of going there-the most expensive place in town where all the upper crusties shop- is they accept payment for power bills. Thought I could grab a couple of things and pay that, save multiple stops. I did NOT anticipate the massive crowd and my panic response. I was jumpy and paranoid and crawling out of my skin. A simple errand, something others wouldn’t think twice about, became a living hell.

But I did burst into uncontrolled laughter when my kid announced she had to pee and I deposited her in front of the outer door…and she just yanked pants and undies down right there in front of all. I admonished, but I couldn’t stop laughing. It’s hard not to love the innocence and lack of inhibition kids have.

Later, I took my lithium, and even with food, I got deathly nauseous and my head ached. Then I ate more in spite of not being hungry and miraculously, I was cured. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.

Mood lifted from low to less low. Now I don’t feel like doing anything, even typing this is feeling like work. Of course, a kid keeps you up til 3 am then is awake at 7 am, you tend to feel listless. I was hoping her return to school would mean a return to routine and her sleeping normally but now they’re talking  even more days off rather than have the kids out in the cold. I don;t disagree but her asking every single day for two weeks when it’s gonna be a school day makes me wish it was a school day.

I was ok yesterday. Today I was sub par. The instability in my own mind is making me insane. Yet with all the true crime stuff I watch, it’s pretty clear I am damned sane compared to these people who kill their kids and spouses or neighbors. I don’t feel sane.

I want to feel sane.

Screw lottery tickets. Just let me feel sane.