|Angry moon is angry.|
Insomnia has been full force the past few…um, I’ve lost count…days? weeks?? Basically, I can’t sleep. My insomnia comes in waves. I may be able to go to sleep with little trouble for a couple of months, but then I can’t for a couple of months. Give or take. It’s an unpredictable cycle like everything else in my anxious bipolar life. I have a sensitivity to sleep meds (Ambien, Seroquel, Tylenol PM, etc.) in the fact that they give me horrible full-body RLS which makes it even harder to go to sleep! Melatonin will help, but only if I take it maybe once a month. Any more often and it does nothing. I did stumble across one great sleep inducer: Nightime Cold-EEZE. They taste horrible, but when I’m desperate for sleep I don’t mind the gagging involved to get there. I am out of them right now, but I predict a purchase of them in the near future…say payday!
In the meantime, I am not sleeping. I have done a lot of reading though, so it’s okay. It’s not really okay. Less sleep equals more mood swings. More mania in this case, which makes it even harder to sleep, which keeps things snowballing, snowballing, snowballing! Mix in the stress of the holidays, and I’m not the poster child for stability right now. But at least I am not feeling suicidal anymore. I’m having more hypomania than anything, with speckles of fullblown mania tucked here and there, and brief crying spells where I feel terribly inadequate and confused. But not suicidal. Ironically, I have heard about quite a few suicides that have occurred this week. Of course, that is sadly common this time of year, but it’s made even eerier for me this year because I was so close to taking that route myself. When I hear of someone else taking their own life, I realize how sad and senseless it is, but when I am feeling that way myself it makes perfect sense. Amazing what depression can make you believe. What a liar.
My mind is running 50,000,000 miles a minute right now, and there are lots of bright colors and brilliant ideas to behold, so I shall cut this short and try to get in a calmer frame of mind. I actually want to read a stack of books tonight and I just might do it. If I can concentrate. That’s a big IF.