|Sometimes I write something to help others and it ends up helping me 🙂|
I am still here. Still alive. I really didn’t think I would be a couple of days ago. I had it all planned out. I am not going to discuss those plans on here, but suffice it to say I thought it was a brilliant plan. In hindsight, it wasn’t. And I am glad I did not go through with it. I can’t say that I am less depressed or even remotely “well”, but I am a little stronger than I was. I can fight this a little longer. Maybe forever. Maybe I am much, much more resilient than I think.
I came across a beautiful post just a few minutes ago and I encourage you all to read it. If you are feeling the way I am it will make you cry your eyes out, but it will make you want to live as well.
One of the sweetest people I know emailed me today to ask if I was okay. Someone I went to high school checked on me as well. My fiance told me that he knows that I am used to having to go through these times alone but I don’t have to anymore because he will help me through it any way he can. My toddler gave me a hug and kiss. It’s these small things that are so monumental to me. I am not alone. I thought I was, but I’m not.
I can’t make depression buy a plane ticket and ride off to a foreign land where it will crash and burn and never return. I can’t always clear out the demonic voices I hear or avoid seeing the Shadow Men or faceless beings wearing blue jeans or any of the other out of place but so, so real hallucinations that I encounter on a minute by minute basis during psychosis. I can’t pretend this isn’t a part of me, but I have to remember that it is not all of me. I am still that good person that people used to know. I am not all monster. When I feel suicidal it is because I want to kill that monster that I think has consumed everything I once was. But I am always hiding in there somewhere, like a scared little girl, and I want to protect her, not harm her. She’s been through enough. And she has three amazing kids and an understanding boyfriend and friends who care about her whether she realizes it all the time or not.
So, I am still here. And I don’t plan on changing that.