…specifically poorly controlled bipolar, is that you never know when you’re going to get knocked down to your knees. I’d been feeling pretty good on my medications, gaining a bit of clarity and more hope. I’ve been tracking moods, sleep, diet, exercise and was proud of the work I’ve done in taking charge of my disorder. But for the last several days, I’m in a seemingly bottomless depression. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist in a month but I’m wondering if the holidays are having an impact on my mood. I keep working on my DIYs and crafts in the hopes it will lift my spirit and also simply because these things need finished.
This has been an especially difficult depressive period. It’s hard to even take care of myself and going to work to take care of other people takes more strength than I currently have. Not seeing the paramour due to his 24 hour shifts is also making me sad. It’s hard for our relationship to develop this way. It’s difficult to explain how tiring having bipolar is. It’s also difficult for people to understand I don’t choose to feel this way. There’s a biological/neurological flaw that makes me this way. It’s not as easy as “thinking positive” or “not thinking about things that make you sad”. Bipolar isn’t sexy or fun, no matter how I might feel during a manic phase. Imagine being in a rowboat in the middle of a stormy sea. Every painful memory, every harmful thought is another wave battering my little rowboat. I’m having trouble finding the shore right now.