Daily Archives: December 5, 2013

Faith in Life


This post may not be exactly what you might think it is. Most people when they speak of faith are using it in a religious context. That’s not what I’m doing here as my title might suggest. I’m not a religious person, tho I consider myself spiritual in many ways. But I’m not a Theist or a Deist. I don’t believe in a God or Goddess or a Creator of all we see. I don’t believe in Spirits. I believe in  Life.

What I mean by this is that I have faith in the continued movement of the cosmos, in the turning of the stars and the suns and the planets. I have faith closer to home too. That the sun will rise tomorrow and the flowers will grow and bloom, that the mountains will stay strong and only fall to the ground when it is their time, just as all life does. I have faith in the Cycle of it All.

It’s not that I haven’t been exposed to other ways of thinking. I was raised in a benevolent Christian household and in church I learned the Golden Rule and to respect others. I learned about Heaven and Hell but they never seemed real to me. I played the piano in my Sunday school and the organ in church and I was the president of my Young Life group, an organization for Christian youth. But it didn’t take…

By around the age of 14 I started to question things. It was 1963 and the world was in upheaval. Everyone everywhere was questioning the satus quo and the current beliefs about the Nature of Reality. Politics were the big game of course but religion took a close second place as a strong contender for challenge. Many of us came to doubt the words we’d learned in church or from religious people.

We learned to rely on each other and on ourselves, which is what I still do. I trust my lover to love me, my friends to care for me and my community to sustain and nurture me. I have faith in the goodness of people as well as the badness in them too. I have faith that people will be who they say they are and when I see differently I adjust my thinking to mirror reality.

I’ve also followed many different spiritual paths, from Eastern thought to Western. I did Yoga at a young age, and read about Zen and Taoism and Buddhism as well as mystical Christianity and Rumi. I was initiated into the Way of Medicine by a Native American teacher in my 30′s and then into a form of witchcraft (don’t get scared…) that was mellow and focused on the  turning wheel of the seasons and of life. It nurtured my sense of being a gardener and the cycles of the seasons we constantly follow. But I never deified it.

Of course there were so many politics in the pagan community that I finally came to an ending with all of them. I just couldn’t take the pronouncements of people who said they communed with Spirit and told me things that seemed wrong to me and challenged my world view of loving kindness. Not bad people, but some bad intents were all a part of my experiences and I stay away from that crowd now, tho I still note the passing of the seasons with good cheer and my own simple rituals.

I still have faith in that cycle of the seasons and the turning wheel of life. It helps to keep me going when I lose it and can’t find my way. I Know that tomorrow the sun will rise and the trees will grow and provide solace for me and for those like me who have faith in Nature, and in their fellow humans and in themselves most of all. When you have Bipolar Disorder you need an anchor, and Faith in the cycles of Life is mine.

I believe in a current, if you will, that travels throughout all life and connects us with one another. It’s pretty obvious when you go into quantum mechanics and new wave physics that we’re all made of the same stuff. Stardust some say and I like that metaphor. Of course it’s also a truism. We Are stardust and are made of the same elements that make up the cosmos. We’re all One with it. The same Energy is in us all.

So it isn’t hard to have faith in the way I’ve described it. You don’t need some entity of whatever sort telling you what to do. I’ve had it with higher powers that use me to embody their words and then turn their backs on me when I need them. Yes I have voices in my head all the time and they tell me some strange things. But as time has gone on I’ve learned which ones are goofs and which are real and I only listen to the real ones now. I hope… ;)

I used to follow many of those voices in my head because I was taught that they were the source of my spirituality and my connection to Spirit. But I’ve found that many of them lead me into blind corners and just goof on me and treat me badly. Some are in direct contradiction with my “Elders”. So what do I do then? I’ve learned to keep my own counsel and my own brand of Faith.

I lose it so easily it seems and it’s hard to stay positive sometimes but faith is the thing that keeps me going when all else fails. Faith that it’ll wear off and I won’t be in a depression when I come out of it. It works. I have faith in a change. It always changes if you just wait it out, like a bad drug trip or something. It’s just chemicals in your brain so why sweat it? Keep faith in yourself and all will go well.

That’s what I believe in keeping faith in and so far I’ve done well with it. I try to love myself these days and I have others who love me too and that’s what counts to me at this point in my later life. I have faith in Love, along with Nature and people and all the rest of reality. It is what it is and I have faith in it’s continuance. It’s all I need.

Keeping the Faith,


Filed under: Atheism, Bipolar, Faith, Illness, Mental Health, Relationships Tagged: Atheism, Bipolar, chronic intractable pain, Illness, mental-health, recurrent depression

Christmas Fear

I don't know why Christmas has to be such a difficult time. I guess there's always the expectation that it's got to be the happiest most joyful experience where everything is perfect and everyone is perfect. In reality it's bloody hard work. I can't stand it. I can't stand the whole Christmas thing. I'm not just being a humbug. It really is making me so miserable. I just find it too difficult and too much. Everything about it either sends me into a panic, makes me cry or brings back painful memories. Of course there are times when I get excited about it all, then I get over excited and over enthusiastic only to come back down with a bump. I really would cancel it if I could. I'm trying my hardest to make jokes about it and try to be upbeat but I just wish it was over. I'm not religious so it has no meaning in that sense. I know it's a difficult time for so many people.
I used to love Christmas. I could never understand why people moaned about it. It was the most magical, special time. I used to love the the songs, the adverts, the food, the drunken nights out, family gatherings, the decorations...everything. Now it spells disruption, over stimulation, over excitement, pressure to be organised, fear of unreasonable expectations from friends and family, over indulging, alcohol, loss of sleep and broken routines. Having to look back over another year and the fear of what the next year will bring. Bad memories of past Christmases seem to return with a vengeance. Christmas is a whole host of things that can trigger my bipolar symptoms and upset my mood.
I know the fact that I've had such a hard time this year will compound it. I don't feel that my bipolar has been that well controlled since my heart attack in February. I feel that I'm always close to "the edge". I don't really know how to explain that. I just don't think it would take much for me to lose it completely.
It's everywhere and it's overwhelming. It gets into your thoughts. It makes me want to scream.
I don't know where my son is and I doubt I'll be seeing him. I've never had a Christmas without him before. That will impact on my parents too. Christmas Day will be hard.
I'm aware that trying to commit suicide on Christmas Eve and ruining Christmas for just about everyone I know is not something people forget...I know that even 3 years on it will cross my parents, my sisters, my friends and even my ex husbands mind. I still feel guilty and I'm still petrified that I'll feel that way again. I'm scared to be alone on Christmas Eve.
There will be good times. I know it won't be all doom and gloom. I have great friends and I know my family will look after me. I just have to try and take extra care. I have to try and and keep things as routine as possible. I have support from my care coordinator and a number for the crisis team. I still can't wait for it to be over.

The Most Influential Blogger Award

  One of my favorite blogs is Vic Briggs’ A Writer Adrift, so I was honored last week when Vic bestowed upon me the Most Influential Blogger award.  I normally don’t accept awards from fellow bloggers, but I’m making an exception because it came from Vic, and I especially like the questions she asked.  The … Continue reading »

Trying a Writing Prompt: Using A Line From A Song That I Really Love Or Connect With

This song is called “Thank You,” and it is from Led Zeppelin’s second album. It is a song that has always touched me in the tenderness expressed by the lyrics, but I am only allowed to use a phrase or two; so here goes. “If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving […]


I am going to do something I don’t normally do.  When my fiance wakes up I am going to ask him to help me out.  Mainly, to do some laundry and wash some dishes.  It’s not that he is unwilling to help me.  It’s just that he usually doesn’t unless I ask.  And I never ask. 
It’s a guilt thing.  I feel like I should take care of all the domestic stuff since he works outside the home and goes to school.  His plate is full.  So I try to take care of all the cleaning and cooking and most of the childrearing.  I like these traditional roles.  It works for us.  Most of the time. 
But right now, I don’t even want to look at my surroundings.  I shudder at the thought of someone knocking on the door because I would be so embarrassed to have them see how messy the house is.  I was already falling behind on chores due to holiday depression (more on that in a later post…maybe), but I have been sick with a nasty spell of bronchitis for the past several days so now that little-behind-on-chores has turned into an all-out pigsty. Something about being unable to sit upright for longer than five minutes without fainting all while a toddler has full awareness that his mother can’t run after him and prevent his messy curiosities makes a home look a bit terrifying.  Normally I would just let it go until I feel better all while hating myself for being such a failure at housewifedom, but I can’t take it any more.  At least the dishes need to be washed. And we are running out of clean clothes to wear.  The kitchen floor really needs a good sweeping, but I probably won’t mention that to him.  Because, you know, I would feel guilty.  

An Interesting Sort Of New Study Looks At Employment Of The Mentally Ill

I am only going to post the link to the article because it is three pages long…. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/23/health/23lives.html?_r=1&ref=healthFiled under: healing, Hope, inner strength, medications, mental health, shift in thinking

Was Just Watching The Movie, Jobs…..

  and I realized that someone that driven, that innovative, that much of a perfectionist had to be mentally interesting as most geniuses are. I found this article that sums Jobs up pretty well I especially like the last line; you have to be crazy enough – not too crazy, not too little – to […]



Super quick post to say whooo!! I got a promotion at work!! A little nervous about the added responsibility, but glad my hard work is appreciated!

Filed under: Uncategorized Tagged: celebrate, good times, promotion, work