Daily Archives: December 3, 2013

Filming Begins

I just wanted to let you all know, that some filming is scheduled to begin on Monday. Expect a short teaser mid January. You can help us gain a supportive following by sharing the website, and encouraging others to interact with me directly via Google+ and Twitter.

I will be introducing the filmmaker and investigative journalist working with me on this project, next week. They’re amazing professionals and distinguished in their fields. I couldn’t do it without them.


Technology and Bipolar

I just had an amazing conversation with an up and coming graduate student, Neha Saigal. While I can’t go into the details of her product, which is under development, I can say with enthusiasm that her product will change the way we track our moods, and monitor our overall health. Many of us use mood-trackers to determine our general state of well being, and share them with our health care professionals.

Neha is bringing it to the next level. She will be featured in the coming months on this blog, and I can’t wait to unveil what she’s working on.

In the mean time, what sort of biofeedback or mood-tracking do you all use? I use mood247.com personally, but I find it only meets some of my needs. I also use a fitbit to determine how much sleep I’m getting. I find the objective evidence very important. I know a lot of people with bipolar do.

It’s an exciting time to be alive with all the advances being made around us. Stay tuned!

Back to reality?

I'm trying to do things to get myself back into some sort of routine but it's just so hard.
I don't feel as if upping my medication has helped that much. It's two weeks now and I still feel that my mood is all over the place. The only difference I can say is that at times I feel overwhelmingly tired. I seem to be going from high to low in a short space of time. One day I feel full of energy and enthusiasm. I have so many ideas I can't keep up with myself. The next I feel miserable and lethargic and just can't get anything done. Some days I can't stop eating and other days I don't eat a thing. Some nights I'll go to bed at 8 and sleep soundly for hours. A few days later I'm up all night, chatting to god knows who online. Sometimes I have conversations that I'd never have in real life. It sometimes excites me and it sometimes disgusts me. I sometimes get bored and I sometimes get lonely. It's like another world when you're wide awake at three o'clock in the morning and have energy to burn. Sometimes I feel great. A lot of the time I feel like crap. Just lately I've had times where I've I felt so high I've almost been bouncing off the walls. Everything just seems hilarious. I've felt so happy it was as if I didn't have a care in the world. I've also had times where I feel like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders. It frightens me how quickly my mood changes and for no apparent reason. It's hard work and it's confusing.
I've decided I can't take the increase in dose of my medication. I haven't really felt any benefit. Even though I'm having some really up times, for the rest of the time it's just making me too tired. Last night I went to bed at 11 o'clock and woke up at mid day. Thirteen hours sleep is way too much. It's not even as if I was doing anything tiring the day before. I still feel groggy and as If I haven't slept at all. If I felt better in myself then maybe it would be worth it, but I don't.There's absolutely no point in talking to my doctor. I know exactly what he'll say. He'll tell me to give it a bit longer and he'll tell me there's a good reason why the dose was increased. I don't care what anyone says. I don't want to feel like I'm not with it. I don't want to spend half my life asleep. I'll just have to do it and hope for the best. Of course now I'm back to square one. It's so fucking annoying.
That's the trouble with medication. It works brilliantly then all of a sudden it just seems to stop doing what it's supposed to do. I know it's risky to muck about with it but I know how I feel. I'm not prepared to be turned into some kind of zombie.
I'm trying to make sure I've got things arranged. It's the days when I'm not seeing anyone or going anywhere that are a real problem. My motivation to do anything is zero, the day goes by and I haven't done a thing. It's just so hard. It makes me feel useless and guilty. It's a vicious circle.
I started back at the gym with the help of my friend who also happens to be a personal trainer. Getting myself there is unbelievably difficult yet once I'm there and doing I feel so, so much better. I can't tell you how much exercise benefits me. Well, it's good for everybody but it really does have a huge impact on my mood. It's hard this time because I'm so unfit compared to how I used to be. It's frustrating that I can't do the things I did before. I'm so grateful to have the support of someone who knows what he's doing. I know I just have to persevere. My best friends son is also giving me encouragement . It really helps to have someone that actually believes I can do it, especially when I so often doubt myself. It's given me a bit of spark back....and of course when I'm a bit hyper and can't sleep I can jump on my stepper and step the time away!
Working in the shop is helping too. I worry about it constantly yet once I'm there it's great. It makes me feel like I'm doing something useful for a change, well I guess I am. I can't believe how tiring it is. It's only a few hours yet I feel exhausted . At least I've got a reason to be exhausted.
I'm trying to make sure I keep in touch with people instead of isolating myself.
If I can just make sure I've got something to do every day then maybe things will improve.  If I can keep myself busy maybe I won't have time to think too much. Maybe I won't feel so out of touch with reality.  Maybe I'll start to feel like me again.

To Train Up A Child: a child abuse manual – Please support the campaign to get this banned

Reblogged from Ruth Jacobs:

Click to visit the original post

Trigger warning: child abuse, physical abuse

To Train Up A Child: a child abuse manual (via http://donnanavarro.com)

‘To Train Up A Child’ is a parenting book by Michael and Debi Pearl of No Greater Joys Ministries. It’s the most sickening book I’ve ever come across.

You may have seen this book already. I stumbled across it after reading a post on Facebook outlining the death of a child in America who died at the hands of her parents who had been following the ‘Christian parenting advice’ given in this book and I have struggled to get it out of my head since.

Read more… 73 more words

CHILD ABUSE TRIGGER WARNING Here is a manual for child abuse, currently carried by both Amazon.us and Amazon.uk. Please read the full article referenced in Ruth's blog and tweet AND FB Amazon demanding that this disgusting book be removed from their inventory.

In the beginning…

Where to begin…where to begin…Well, as my husband says, may as well begin at the beginning.  First, this is my own blog about my own experiences with bipolar disorder.  And major depressive disorder.  And a touch of anxiety issues.  Wow.  Having put it into writing makes it sound like I’m a real nutcase, and nothing could be further from the truth.  I’m quite sane, thank you very much, though I do like to use the insanity clause when my hubby discovers I didn’t do something I was supposed to do.  Or when I go off on one of my hypomanic episodes and am not really, truly responsible for what I do.  Yes, I’m an adult, but unless you’ve experienced it you just can’t understand.  It’s kind of like someone who never, ever swears being pushed past the point of mere anger and yelling, “Damn!”  Not quite the same, but kinda similar. 

I’m inviting my Facebook friends to view my blog with a bit of a catch in my throat. I’ve been pretty open about my illness, but parts of my journey may be a bit more than you want to know.  Learning about all of this may make it difficult to know what to say to me, how to act around me...  Keep in mind, I’m the same person and no more or less fragile than before. I still like to laugh and have fun. I’m still silly and goofy at times. I still cry when I hear the National Anthem.  I still withdraw during periods of darkness. There’s much more to me than my illnesses, just as there’s more to a diabetic than diabetes.  However, maybe this will give you a bit more insight into my kinks (note I said “kinks”, not “kinkiness” this isn’t that kind of blog J  Maybe you’ll learn a little about yourself.  Maybe you’ll learn how to cope with another friend or a family member.  There are a lot of us out there, you know. 

I’m aware that being brutally open and honest may push some away.  I’ve been shunned before for sharing much less than I’ll be discussing here.  Others may feel uncomfortable around me.  It’s a chance I have to take.  A friend almost lost her daughter during a crisis situation recently and I discovered that as much as I hate my “brain cooties”, I felt---and feel---that I’m able to offer something of benefit due to my own experiences.  In any case, I feel I’ve found my mission…a way to put the hell that is bipolar and major depressive disorders to work.  And it is hell.  Read through any forum on the topic and you’ll invariably read about the demons in the dark, dark place.  If I can help one person in any way…whether a sufferer or a supporter, it’s worth it. 

Before I go any further, there may be times I use language or expressions you wouldn’t ordinarily hear from me.  I’m not trying to be shocking or offensive, but sometimes it takes something strong to make a point.  If I offend, I apologize.  There’s a website I may reference from time to time.  Don’t go there unless you really feel you can handle some frank language about mental disorders and the medications used to treat them.  I’ve developed a great deal of respect for the young man who administers the website and can even say he saved my life at one point without even knowing it.  I’ll get into that in another post.  Probably post number two.  Hmmmm…do you find that intriguing?  I hope so.  Anyway, I wish he’d clean up his language, but the information he provides is of tremendous value.

So, I’m putting my own personal journey on the roller coaster to work.  Come along for the ride.  If nothing else, it should be interesting, occasionally thought provoking, and hopefully enlightening.  And don’t be surprised if there are a few chuckles thrown in for good measure. That’s just how I roll.

DBT Debrief: Mindfulness

The blog continues, for now. Thanks to those who weighed in and said there’s value in my learning to tolerate …

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