I wish I could rewire my brain so I don’t get so hurt by certain things. Like, when I care about someone and then I realize I don’t matter to them, that they can just toss me aside like I’m nothing; it makes me wish I didn’t care about anyone. But then I guess I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t care about people. That’s a big part of who I am. I’m one of those people who tries to see the best in others no matter what. It just really hurts when it seems like everyone else wants to do the opposite, just see the worst in me.
I have often wondered if the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder would not fit me better than Bipolar Disorder. It seems that more often than not my moods depend so much on how those around me are acting. My need to please, my fear of abandonment, my overreactions and all-or-nothing thinking…it’s possible, I suppose. I did have a therapist tell me one time that I exhibited a lot of the symptoms of BPD but that the treatment for it and bipolar were essentially the same so there was no real need to officially change the diagnosis. I had another one tell me that most therapists don’t want to work with those with BPD because they were so “difficult” – his words, not mine. So, whether it would make any difference, good or bad, to have a change in diagnosis, who knows. If you have any experience with it, feel free to comment and let me know.
Other than that, it’s the same ol’ same ol’. I had been doing pretty well and then a lot of things have happened in the past two days that have really dragged me down and now I can’t seem to get out of this awful depression. The house is a wreck, there’s a sink full of dirty dishes, I haven’t done my son’s learning lesson yet today (we normally do it at 3p.m.) and I can’t help thinking everyone either hates me or doesn’t care enough to have any feeling for me at all. I’m not sure which one is worse.