Daily Archives: November 20, 2013

Life Just Hurts

I wish I could rewire my brain so I don’t get so hurt by certain things.  Like, when I care about someone and then I realize I don’t matter to them, that they can just toss me aside like I’m nothing; it makes me wish I didn’t care about anyone.  But then I guess I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t care about people.  That’s a big part of who I am.  I’m one of those people who tries to see the best in others no matter what.  It just really hurts when it seems like everyone else wants to do the opposite, just see the worst in me.  

I have often wondered if the criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder would not fit me better than Bipolar Disorder.  It seems that more often than not my moods depend so much on how those around me are acting.  My need to please, my fear of abandonment, my overreactions and all-or-nothing thinking…it’s possible, I suppose.  I did have a therapist tell me one time that I exhibited a lot of the symptoms of BPD but that the treatment for it and bipolar were essentially the same so there was no real need to officially change the diagnosis.  I had another one tell me that most therapists don’t want to work with those with BPD because  they were so “difficult” – his words, not mine.  So, whether it would make any difference, good or bad, to have a change in diagnosis, who knows.  If you have any experience with it, feel free to comment and let me know. 

Other than that, it’s the same ol’ same ol’.  I had been doing pretty well and then a lot of things have happened in the past two days that have really dragged me down and now I can’t seem to get out of this awful depression. The house is a wreck, there’s a sink full of dirty dishes, I haven’t done my son’s learning lesson yet today (we normally do it at 3p.m.) and I can’t help thinking everyone either hates me or doesn’t care enough to have any feeling for me at all.  I’m not sure which one is worse.  

Google Hangout + Pro Thinkers

I’m organizing a google hangout for anyone in the bipolar / manic-depressive community. This includes those who are diagnosed, loved ones who support someone with bipolar, or mental health care givers. I want to hear what you would like to see explored in this film. Those involved in the making of the film naturally have many ideas, but I believe your voices will be the most significant in choosing our final plan of action, and our cast of humans.

If you would like an invite to the Google Hangout go to my Google Plus page and become my buddy.

A professional brain-storming session (yes, that’s an actual profession – and I wish it were mine) is being conducted this weekend with people who are outside the field of mental health. We’re doing this to gain a balanced perspective. The goal is to understand what issues society (unaffiliated people) might want explored, and what issues do those with a diagnosis wish to have explored, and where do those two circles overlap? I love venn diagrams. I should make one immediately to explain this.

What a joke….

So according to the report by my psychiatrist I haven't really got a problem at the moment but he still wants me to take more medication?  Maybe he thinks I'm going through some sort of phase. It almost feels like he's taking the piss.

His diagnosis is:
"F31.7 Bipolar Disorder currently in remission
The patient has had one manic, hypomanic or mixed episode in the past and in addition at least one other affective episode of manic, hypomanic, depressive or mixed type but is currently not suffering from any type of significant mood disturbance and has not done so for several months. The patient may however be receiving treatment to reduce the risk of future episodes."

What a joke. Well, yippee. So, according to him I haven't been suffering from anything significant at all! I guess I must have been imagining all the shit I've been going through. I must have imagined that my mood has been all over the place for months. I must have imagined the thousands of pounds I've frittered away on crap. I must have imagined that I've lost my job because of my health. I must have imagined the days on end where I felt so low that I couldn't get out of bed. I must have imagined the nights where I've felt so restless I didn't  go to bed at all. I must have imagined feeling so desperate that I wanted to die. I must have imagined feeling so irritable that even a door shutting made me want to hit someone. I must have imagined people telling me I was "high as a kite" or that they were worried because they could tell by my voice I was so down. I must have imagined feeling so confused that I felt I had to run away. I must have imagined that my entire life has been turned upside down because of my moods.
Well how stupid of me.
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be labeled with something I haven't got but for fucks sake. This last year has been horrendous.I agree that things have happened that are nothing to do with bipolar. I agree that having a heart attack and having all the problems with my son would challenge anyone's mental state but I don't agree that I haven't suffered because of my moods. I haven't felt right for months. I still don't feel right. I know there's something very wrong. I've said it before, as long as you're not manic or suicidal they don't give a shit about anything in between. He wrote that I spend money to make myself happy...no it doesn't make me happy knowing that I'm probably going to end up broke. He wrote that I live alone but have good neighbours..? No mention that I lost my job because of my sickness record. He wrote that my mood is fluctuating...I know!  He wrote that I sometimes have thoughts of killing myself but that I won't act on it. I don't even know that, so how the fuck does he know? He said I often get angry for no reason. How dare he tell me there's nothing wrong and expect me to take even more medication, when everything is wrong.
I don't even know if bipolar can ever truly be in remission. I always think of remission as symptom free. For me I would think of it as being depression free and hypomania free and all those other horrible in between moods free. I'd think of it as being able to get up in the morning, go to work, come home, cook dinner, have a social life, sleep in my bed. I'd think of it as being able to function properly on a daily basis. I don't know why I feel so cross. I would love to say my bipolar was in remission but I know that's not true right now. Of course I'm not a psychiatrist so I don't really know what the criteria is. What I do know is that sending out reports that are in no way helpful is detrimental to my health.
So, if I'm not suffering from any type of significant mood disturbance then maybe I should just say stuff it and go it alone. Maybe I don't need a psychiatrist. Maybe I don't need a care-coordinator and maybe I don't need handfuls of fucking pills.

So I spoke to my care coordinator about it and she agrees that sometimes what psychiatrists write isn't always obviously helpful but that I'm really getting upset for the wrong reasons. She agrees that my mood is fluctuating rapidly....that's why he increased my meds and why I need to see a psychiatrist and why I have a care coordinator! She said that they follow strict guidelines and the criteria for diagnosing people is set in stone. She explained that what they mean by significant mood disturbances are the very very extremes.  She agreed that he probably missed out some important facts and that he didn't explain things to me very well but that what he wrote was to inform others involved in my care and mainly to ensure my safety. She suggested that maybe it wasn't necessary for me to receive the reports. I don't know about that. She also stressed that she thought it would be very dangerous for me to come off my medication. She couldn't say 100% what would happen but suspects that without it I probably would become very ill and hit one of the extremes. I don't know if I feel better about it. I know things could be a lot worse but I always feel lately that I'm on the very edge of completely losing it. Sometimes I do get myself in a state but it's hard to see things clearly when there aren't always straightforward answers. I just get scared that's all.

Wednesday’s Quote: Vincent Van Gogh

I’m doing  something a little different this week.  Instead of posting one quote, I decided to post this wonderful tribute to Vincent Van Gough.  I’ve posted this before, but those of you who know my passion for Vincent shouldn’t be surprised that I decided to post it again.  I’m sure I’ll post again in the not too distant future.  Let me know what you think of this wonderful tribute.  Any particular feelings?

Diet Mood Connection

You are what you eat, has new meaning for people like us. Although not directly supportive, this article goes back to my musings over a possible connection between celiac and bipolar, in that the gut affects mood.


I also found a really interesting (appearing) doctor in New York City, Kelly Brogan (kellybroganmd.com) who is a practicing psychiatrist with a full body model for medicine. I wrote to her requesting a video-chat appointment, but she rightly referred me to another physician a couple of hours from San Francisco. I plan to follow up.

It really only makes sense to treat the whole being instead of a symptom. I have this attitude with all ailments physical, and have for most of my adult life. Why I didn’t come to the obvious conclusion, that I should maintain that perspective with my psychiatric condition, alludes me. Maybe I should ask my psychiatrist. I jest, I jest.

My friend just sent me this link also:

Thankful on Tuesday




Just a quick post to say thank you. Less than a year into my blog and I’ve had almost 3,000 hits and I have over 100 followers. Those numbers may not seem like much, but I’m so grateful to everyone who has read and continues to read my blog. I started this blog to document my life after 30, not really expecting it to develop. The blog has become an outlet for me, a place to reach out to others with similar experiences and it’s a part of my therapy, as well.

So thank you, dear readers. You give me a reason to keep on writing and keep on growing.


With love,


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