Daily Archives: November 18, 2013

Yay, Boo, Yay!

Hello dears!

I’m sorry for the disappearance. I’ve just had absolutely nothing to say that I hadn’t already said. My mood continues to be stable, and nausea continues to persist (though I think it’s finally starting to properly fade). I’m actually sitting here without the anti-nausea wristbands on, so hopefully this will help me determine whether or not I’m free and clear enough to resume semi-normalcy.

I’ve also just gotten back from the hospital, where I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. To my immense pleasure and relief, he proposed the starting place of weaning myself off of my meds for the duration of my pregnancy. We’re going to start by stepping off of the Zoloft, because I’m only on a tiny dose of that. His idea is that I’ll take it alternate days for a few weeks, and that should be good enough weaning. I’m down with that. He also seems agreeable about coming off the Seroquel for the reasons of fetal health and my sanity in birthing, but I think we’re both happy to put that off until, at the very least, after my scan on the 2nd. Whatever we do, he does know that my mood was very stable-to-elevated last pregnancy, and that I fully 500% intend to get back on my meds as soon as Microbutt is born.

The down side is I found out he’s retiring at the end of the year — boo! I feel that we’ve got a great rapport and understanding, and while his boss (who is also my psychiatrist) is also a great person to work with, I don’t know who I’m going to be passed onto in the next couple of months. I’m hoping that they will be as excellent, but we’ll see. I just REALLY hope it’s not that one guy who kept telling me there was nothing wrong with me. That would be a very stressful thing.

Oh, and my appointment was topped off with one helluva necessary evil boo — getting blood drawn. Since I needed to get my pregnancy bloodwork done at the hospital, I put it off until this appointment to combine my forces. The tech hit my slowest vein, so I ended up whiting out pretty hard. Thankfully, a cup of water and a few minutes of rest sorted me out, but still… yuck.

So anyways, that’s one thing pinned down that was stressing me out! I’m back to see boss-doctor in a few weeks; I’m hoping it’s after the scan so we have more information before making any more changes to my meds. And yanno, here’s hoping that this pregnancy will follow the last one in regards to mood. It’s so very important to me to be able to home birth again; the medicalized setup is just way too nervous breakdown-inducing stressful for me.

I hope everyone is doing well, and that I will soon be up to resuming making the blog rounds. Y’all are all missed.


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Pernicious Thoughts

One of the symptoms of bipolar I have the most trouble with is obsessive thoughts/thinking. From mundane, monotonous counting of my steps to full blown panic-attack-inducing misconstrues my mind is never, ever at rest. Sometimes these thoughts inspire a post or cause me to reach out to someone I might have lost touch with or start working on a project I’ve been slacking on. I find the ones that inspire a post (or one of the 5 drafts saved but not finished) often dissipate once I get them in writing. I’m hoping that’s the case with the thoughts that have been dogging me for some time.

I was madly, madly in love with my former fiance. I don’t know that I will ever get over him. As I move towards a more consistent life after my bipolar diagnosis, I’m plagued by thoughts of “what if” and “what could have been”. What if I’d been diagnosed earlier and started treatment? Would we still be together?  I know these thoughts, as with all of my obsessive thoughts, are useless and do me more harm than good. But these are the kinds of thoughts that creep in right about 2 am, when I’m exhausted but can’t sleep and emotionally spent. I long for the invention of brain reprogramming or erasing memories as in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. But I find that, much like in the movie, there are certain memories I don’t want to give up, certain memories that are just meant for me. I wonder if they hold me back or if they actually give me strength to move on.

My ex has moved on. From what I know of his life, he’s happy with the girl he is with now. I’m glad. It hurts like hell but I’m glad he has someone to take care of him. I hope she loves him as much as I did and understands just what she has with him. He and I wouldn’t have worked out as we were. I doubt being medicated or in therapy would have changed that. Too many fundamental differences. I know this in my mind, but my heart is slow to catch up. So until memory erasing becomes a reality, I continue to try to accept my life as it is.



Filed under: Self Discovery Tagged: anger, bipolar, depression, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, heartbreak, regret, sad, thoughts

A Blood Test for Bipolar

Wouldn’t it be amazing to have objective data to confirm your diagnosis and evaluate the severity of it?

Anything to feel something

Depression strips away everything. It sends you down the rabbit hole and blackness is your security blanket. You can’t find a point in life, or well, in anything, so you just want to be left to your darkness. Hope is a vague memory. If it ever existed to begin with because with depression and its cycles…You forget what life is without its crippling presence.

For a week…I fell down the rabbit hole, totally. My kid had lice so she was banned from school and nothing I did was treating it right cos ffs, I never had lice before, not a clue about the stuff. But without having to take her to school… The depression took over, kicked my ass. I went nowhere. I ignored my phone. Other than my kid and Becca, I had contact with no one.

I bathed, ate, slept, did mountains of laundry every day battling her critters…I took care of her basic needs…but I quit living.

And then someone showed up at my door to chastise me for not answering my phone and reaching out to my friends.

It helped pull me out of the rabbit hole a bit, but more because I felt pressured to please and perform them.

I am still depressed, hopeless, anxiety ridden, irritable.

So being pulled out of the rabbit hole (or guilted out) did not solve the problem. I have to question my doctor’s intelligence in letting me go into seasonal affect without an anti depressant. It has sucked more than words can say.

And the anxiety, usually quelled at this time of year, has been off the charts, complete with massive panic attacks and paranoia.

This week I get to meet a new doctor and what are the odds she is gonna be any more useful?

I also got “let go” from counseling because I missed three appointments. Well, when you don’t know what day of the bloody week it is, it is difficult to track these things. (And yes, the other day, I had NO clue it was Sunday, I thought it was Monday, my brain simply was not accepting facts.)

I am in a scary fucking place and I feel so fucking alone.

I keep thinking back…I used to have hope. After my kid was born, everything changed. The brain just never worked the same again.So depression with no hope…That’s a terrifying place to be. I WANT to be hopeful, to feel joy, to have a zest for life…

It just isnt there.

I find small things. New song, show, whatever. But there is nothing big, like the future being good or anything like that. No hope. I try to change my attitude.  Doesn’t help.

Nothing helps.

It’s depressing. HAHAHA. Depression is depressing. There’s an epiphany.

I always survive.

I just live in terror of reaching that one time when I don’t survive.

Everyone says mental illness is benign, it wont kill you.I think any disease that alters your perception of reality and drains you of joy and hope is terminal.