Daily Archives: November 11, 2013

It Is A Beautiful Fall Day Here…..

  so why do I not feel excited about it? I could have gone bicycling, taken a walk, something to …

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A Sticky Situation

Really not doing well today.  It started with a severe panic attack last night, and I just can’t get a grip on my emotions now.  It’s disappointing because I have been doing so well lately.  I’ve had stable moods and a relatively low (for me) amount of anxiety, and then BOOM!  It’s all back again.  What changed?  How do I transform so suddenly from a well person to a panicked, depressed crying mess?  All I know is I have to take it easy today so as to avoid another panic attack.  It figures that my son is in extra-busy-toddler-mode today, judging by the fact that he has somehow gotten jelly all over every single Ziploc bag in the box and then threw my cup of sweet tea all over the desk.  And believe me when I say sticky does not mesh well with my OCD habits.  Sticky is bad! So my anxiety is in overdrive, mega mega huge overdrive. Now everything in the house feels sticky and contaminated and wrong. But. I. Must. Calm. Down. 

Please, God, help me make it through the day. 


Loneliness has been bugging me lately. It’s a strange thing. I believe, in most peoples head, the word “loneliness” conjures up a picture of a person sitting alone in a room feeling sad. That’s fair. But, someone wiser than me once said, “There’s nowhere more lonely than a crowded room.” I can’t remember who said that, but it is exactly how I feel at times.

Parties are lonely for me. It doesn’t matter what is going on. I’ll be talking, laughing and having a good time except for the bubble around me that makes me feel isolated and alone. It’s like being an observer, standing just outside the crowd watching what’s going on, but not being a participant.

When Maurice and I met for the first time, we laid on the beach and talked for five hours and we haven’t stopped talking since. He’s my husband, but he’s also my best friend. Yet, there are times, such as last night, when we’re together, but I feel all alone.

Sometimes, I can look back and see how ridiculous I’ve been. In high school I felt very alone. Nobody liked me even though I had a group of great friends that I hung out with. I ran for Senior Class President against a couple of kids who were popular…part of the “in crowd.” Well, who thought that no one liked him, yet won the election. Yep, it was me. I still felt all alone.

I’m convinced that it’s my depressive side that puts me there. That’s my best hypothesis. I hope someday these feelings will go away. They make me very sad and alone. I hope someday the bubble will burst and I will no longer make me feel isolated. It’s very tiring and I hope it changes soon.

On a more positive note, I lost weight last week and am very excited. I only lost 0.8 of a pound, but the tide is turning. Now that I’m not in school, I can focus more on my health. It’s a small step, but the first step for getting back on track. I’ve sworn to myself that the loss will continue.

What a difference a day makes….

Some people are special. Some people are just extra special. That's how I see my best friends son. At the weekend I spent the day with him, his girlfriend and his best mate. The two guys were doing a gruelling sixteen mile obstacle course, so as well as to cheer them on I went along to keep his girlfriend company watching them. It was a long, long day. The weather was shit and it was cold and muddy but it was the best day I've had in a long time. It was the best day not just because of the event but because of who I spent it with. I felt honoured that they'd let me be a part of something that was so important to them.
I nearly didn't go. The usual reasons.... they probably didn't really want me there, they only asked me because they felt sorry for me, I'd get in the way, I'd probably do or say something to spoil it, they wouldn't really want some stupid old cow cramping their style. All absolute rubbish reasons and just the usual ridiculous stuff that goes on in my head whenever something is going on. They asked me because they wanted me to go. I didn't feel awkward and I didn't feel out of place. All those insecurities just slipped away as the day went on. I just felt "normal" for a change. They all made me feel part of it and not once did I feel like I shouldn't have been there. I felt so happy and so proud seeing them finish the course. I haven't felt so relaxed for a long time. It's funny but spending a day out in the fresh air, watching the determination on peoples faces as they worked so hard to complete the course really helped me to put things into perspective. What a difference a day makes!
My friends son is the same age as my own son. They used to play together when they were little. That's it, that's the only thing they have in common. I know that I can rely on my friends son 100%. I know that he would do anything he possibly could if I was in trouble. I know he really cares and I know he loves me. Whenever I'm ill or something has happened he is always one of the first people to visit or even just text to see if I'm ok. He doesn't treat me any differently because of my bipolar. He listens when I go on about it and is encouraging without being patronising.  He treats me with respect and it's genuine. His girlfriend is the same. She has accepted me unconditionally as part of the family. I love them both very much. I can't say the same about my own son. Of course I love him more than anything. I know he loves me in his own way but I can't make him into something he's not. I have to accept that years of drug taking has made him selfish. I long for the day when he rings me just to see how I am instead of wanting money. I long for the day he rings me up just to say he loves me. I don't ever think it will happen and that really hurts.
Even when everything seems to be falling apart and I'm struggling to make sense of anything, knowing I have the love and support of a few special people really does help. My friend has four sons. They have all helped me in different ways over the years. I am certain that I could turn to any one of them and they would do their best to help. That really is something to be thankful for.
The best thing about it all is that I know my best friend doesn't mind at all that I "borrow"  her family every now and then and that really is special.

Demons – Imagine Dragon

“With the beast inside, there’s no where we can hide.”

Isn’t that the truth, my mental illness brethen…isn’t it..

60 Minutes, 9/29/2013

I don’t own a television, or even a radio.  So when I heard, a bit on the late side, that 60 Minutes had run a program alleging that most of the mass murders and much violent crime is committed by untreated mentally ill people, I looked it up and watched it.  Here it is.  I’d like to hear what you think about this.

60 Minutes on Mental Illness and Violent Crime