Daily Archives: November 8, 2013

The House Husband

A couple of weeks ago I dropped the only class I was taking. I dropped it because I failed to turn in an essay and chose to withdraw from the class rather than get a low grade. It was my professor’s suggestion, actually. What he didn’t know, however, is that I’m on academic probation. I know, yet, did it anyway not thinking there may be repercussions. It was foolish of me to drop it before speaking with my school counselor, especially since I’m on probation due to withdrawing from too many classes. Now there is a possibility of being placed on dismissal, which means I would have to wait two full semesters before I can register for classes again.

I shared here that I am disheartened, but realize it’s not the end of the world. Now I’m thinking maybe it’s a good thing. Hell, before all this happened, my pdoc was concerned about my stress level and asked me to think about dropping the class. Maybe the gods are trying to send me a message. Maybe their message is to stop taking anymore damn classes before I get my shit together

I spent all day yesterday cleaning the kitchen and haven’t finished. It’s a mess. My husband, Maurice works long hours and I have a difficult time balancing school work and housework, even though I was only taking one class. I’ve let our place go to hell in a hand basket. If I don’t get dismissed from school, the next semester doesn’t start until February. That gives me over three months to be a house husband;  My question to myself is, do I, or should I, stop being a full time house husband when opportunities arise?

Although it’s been 8 years since I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, neither my pdoc nor my therapist will release me to go back to work. As I said, my pdoc has now suggested that maybe it’s too soon to be back at school. Maybe he’s right. At this point I’m starting feel like maybe I’ve hit the end of the road regarding my recovery. The meds have me as stable as I feel I’m going to be. My therapy helps, but I don’t know if that’s going to take me any further either. I’m beginning to feel that this is as good as it gets and maybe that’s okay.

Even if it’s not forever, maybe I should take a year or two off. I need to take care of myself and that can begin with improving my environment – my home. More importantly I can use the time to focus on my mental, spiritual and physical health. My mental health is ongoing. My spiritual health needs a swift kick in the ass. I’m Buddhist, but I haven’t focused on my meditation and chanting for a long time. Maurice says he can tell the difference when I focus on my religion and says it’s obvious that I haven’t taken care of that aspect of my life. Last, but not least, is my physical health. At one point I had lost 90 lbs, but I’ve gained some of that back. I’m still 60 lbs lighter than my highest weight, but being 50 years old now I need to lose the weight I took off and more. My plan is to be around for a long time, but that’s only going to happen if I get into shape.

The good news about all of this is that I don’t have to make the decision now. At the minimum I have until February to decide. If I am dismissed from school then I have a year before I have to decide. Regardless of what decision I make, or when I make it, I will be the best damn house husband you’ve ever seen.

I’ve lost my job

 I've lost my job. The job that less than five months ago was deemed to be perfect for me. The job where after a week they told me it was as if I'd always been there. The job where I was doing so well that they asked me to increase my hours after only four weeks. The job where nobody knew about me being bipolar. The job that was supposed to give me a purpose. None of that seems real now. It's as if it was someone else doing it.
It wasn't my fault I went off sick. They changed my medication and it completely knocked me for six. It's not my fault I'm not ready to go back. It's not my fault that I'm not "stable" enough to return to work. Yet I feel so guilty because I've let so many people down and I feel so stupid that I can't do the job that I'm supposed to be so good at. I feel like a failure.
It will be finalised at a contractual review meeting. A panel will look at my sickness absence record, discuss my health, then terminate my employment. That's it. They are not doing anything wrong. They've followed procedure. If I'm really honest I can understand. Doesn't make me feel any better though.
I don't know what on earth I'm going to do. I've never been unemployed before. I don't know anything else apart from physio. I'm too young never to work again but I have a feeling that at nearly fifty and with a sickness record like mine, my job prospects are hardly going to be that great. I can't afford not to work and I don't even want to think about benefits. I don't think I can do any kind of care work again. The thought of being responsible for anyone else fills me with terror. I need a job with little or no responsibility yet I need something stimulating or I'll just get bored. I don't know if there is such a job. I'm not ready to go back yet so I just have to hope that if I start to feel better it will all become clearer. I don't want to wish time away but if I can just get Christmas out of the way then maybe next year will be a new start.