I am having serious withdrawals from Candy Crush Saga. I want it. I NEED IT! But, I am determined to keep it blocked. At least for now. I have to do this from time to time, when I realize I am getting too obsessive about the stupid game. Sometimes it just stays blocked a day or two. Sometimes it’s longer. I think two months is the longest block I’ve ever managed. I just know when I start seeing pieces of candy in my dreams and can’t stop thinking about it throughout the day, it’s time to take a break.
Incidentally, I have also chosen to work on the elimination of sodas from my diet. And when I say “chosen” I really mean we are broke and it’s an expense I need to learn to do without. But even if we weren’t having trouble putting food on the table, I know the sodas are unhealthy. They certainly aren’t helping me lose these ever-accumulating pounds, nor are they good for my teeth. And the caffeine doesn’t even do that much for me anymore. So. No more purchases of soda. It’s settled, whether I like it or not.
Oh, and another change: I officially discontinued my Bipolarly Facebook page. It’s not that I don’t care about people anymore. But I just can’t keep doing this to myself. The distractions from my family and home have to go. I will continue blogging, but even that is going to be more for my own benefit than anyone else’s. That may sound selfish, but hear me out on it. I am a homemaker. That’s my “job”. Sure, I occasionally proofread or sell an article or story, but my main function in this family is taking care of everyone and providing a sanitary living space with adequately prepared meals. That doesn’t necessarily mean I have to put all my writing dreams on hold or that I can’t pursue other interests, like mental health advocacy. But, like Candy Crush, my Facebook page had become something I obsessed over. When I wasn’t working on its content or answering comments and private messages, I was still thinking about it – nonstop. I would check it every few minutes to see how many “likes” something got or if anyone had commented, and then I would over-analyze what their comments meant, whether they were being funny or rude. And then I would try to figure out how to respond to them, depending on how I interpreted their intent. And then when I received negative messages I would get upset and hate myself because someone misinterpreted my good intentions for something offensive. It was maddening! During my own mental battles, I was caving under the pressure of trying to help others and seemingly failing so, so badly. I was blessed to have Pepper Vintage help me out as a guest administrator so I could take a much needed break, and during that reprieve I realized just how much of a toll something as simple as a Facebook page was having on me. As I began to ease my way back into working with the page, I felt the shift in my attitude about it. It just wasn’t something I wanted to do anymore. It’s not because I have suddenly stopped caring about trying to offer encouragement and inspiration to others. It’s just that it’s not worth losing my own health over. I thought about keeping the page published and simply not posting anything else, but I have tried that before and it didn’t work out. I always continued to check it for likes and comments whether there were any new ones or not. I was still carrying the burden of it. So last night, I let go of that burden, and I don’t intend on picking it back up. At least not any time soon.
Sometimes you have to let go of some things so that you can really grasp what is important. I feel good about the new changes I have made. I feel mentally sound and healthy. I am ready to focus on my priorities, as a homemaker and mother, and on maintaining a healthy mental status. My youngest child is two years old, and this precious (albeit stressful) era will pass swiftly. I want to be fully present for it. Not caught up in a silly game or obsessing over whether people like me or not.
