Daily Archives: November 5, 2013

Down the rabbit hole

I am a train wreck with a plane crash thrown in. Everything has gone to shit and I am down the rabbit hole so far I am on the cusp of not caring what happens to me. I have a defiant 4 year old who hits me and tells me she hates me and I guess I am just not mature enough to handle it. Everyone has advice but nothing works with this kid as far as me. She will not be disciplined in any fashion and I am…ready to give up.

I am off anti depressants and the depression is devouring me whole. But with the shrinks not wanting to give them for bipolar apparently depression is what I am stuck with. As they say the mood stabilizers have an anti depressant affect. Not working for me but it’s there so hey, all is well.

My panic at the moment is off the charts. My psychotic mind is running in all directions I’m going to jail, they’re gonna take my kid, everyone is out to get me, no one likes me, everyone thinks I am a waste of space.

The depression has put me in this paranoid irrational place and I have isolated myself to protect everyone from me because while I am sick and I need help.,.They dont want to talk about it, they just want me to cheer up.

If that worked, pharma companies would go under.

And I can’t even focus to write this because my kid does not stop yapping and absolutely will not permit me five minutes that don;t involve absolute focus on her, It is making me really develop an attitude of harshness, I can;t even do dishes and she has to be attached to my leg. She wasn’t that clingy at age 2.

Oh, god…

This is why I don’;t blog anymore, I can’t focus I cant think and frankly I have nothing to say anyone wants to read.

Mental illness may not kill you, but the way it drains the life out of you, death could well be an end result.


A Dish of Salt

I’m sitting here eating salt.

I was talking crackers with a local friend, because crackers are a staple pregnancy anti-nausea thing. I continuously lament how expensive-to-impossible it is to get Saltines here, because that’s the USA A-Ok! go-to in this regard for many many good reasons. The closest I’ve found that my face accepts as an analog is table water crackers… but they’re not salted. So I finally thought about it and brought up some salt to eat with the crackers. Instead, I’m just eating the salt. It seems to be soothing my nausea, so as weird as it is… I’m not going to worry about it. And it’s not like I’m shovelling it in by the spoonful — I’m eating a few grains at a time. Really, when it comes to pregnancy nausea, one must do whatever works to make the pure misery vaguely tolerable.

Past that, my assorted physical woes continue to work to keep my brain from having room to work itself up. I feel as if I’ve got a bit of cold-flu, which is yuckers (and serves to reinforce my lack of desire to get a flu shot). I’ve twisted my shoulder, and I think I’m aggravating it in my sleep. And of course, my knees continue to be very achy. I suspect the cold and damp weather isn’t helping either. It’s all left me fairly housebound, which… to be fair, I suspected would be the case this month. Hopefully it will be over sooner rather than later, enabling me to re-join the rest of the world!

Anyways, all I can really do is keep my head down and wait for this to pass. *smiles wanly*


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Interview Series: Wendy K. Williamson

I’m thrilled to be sharing this interview with you! Wendy K. Williamson, author of I’m Not Crazy Just Bipolar is simply fabulous and has been a joy to work with. Check it out.

Wendy Williamson

Author, Wendy K. Williamson

1. Tell me, in your experience, what is the hardest part of a bipolar diagnosis?

The hardest part is managing, day by day, to stay in the middle. To make each choice, often against what I really want to do, to avoid mania and fight depression. It could mean taking a shower or leaving the apartment when I’m seriously depressed. It could be avoiding caffeine or getting to bed if I’m manic. In general, if I’m too up or down, it usually means doing the opposite of what I want to do.

2. What piece of advice would you offer a person struggling with bipolar disorder?

I would say educate yourselves and get involved in your treatment. Read the information that is out there, go online, buy a few good books; There are a lot of great resources these days that were not there twenty years ago. Get the best team of a doctor and psychologist that you can afford. Also, I would also suggest you join a local DBSA or NAMI group. I really found a compassionate group of people when I was severely depressed and suicidal at our local DBSA. They cared about me when they barely knew me. And it was probably the only place I felt I fit in socially. There is one book where they really bashed the people they met, but they were an integral part of my support system when I was at my lowest. I would also suggest once you do feel better, you find a way to volunteer and give back. Even if you are listening to someone else who is going through a crisis, or driving a friend to the hospital or taking care of a pet of someone who needs your help, bringing them a meal when they are barely eating, we get through this together.

There, how is that for not sticking to the question? You wanted one piece and you got a handful!

3. Share about a time when you’ve been targeted and hurt by the stigma of mental illness.

Honestly, I find it hurts most when it’s someone I love. Case in point: my family. My parents and rest of my family are amazing with one exception: my sister. She has given up on me with each passing episode and we no longer have the relationship we did before I was diagnosed. The way I deal with it is I minimize time spent with her and realize she has no idea what it’s like to walk in my shoes and vice-versa.

I'm Not Crazy Just Bipolar

4. I love the title of your book I’m not Crazy Just Bipolar. Tell me a little about how you came to chose that title?

Honestly, it came to me one day at the beach. I was thinking I wanted something funny, something de-stigmatizing and there it was one day. Poof: it came into my head. I don’t even know if I could have come up with that on my own! I can’t take full credit for it. Sometimes I think we get divine inspiration so not to sound trite, but I have to thank the big man for his help.

5. Who inspires you, and why?

My Mom for being strong throughout my illness and life. I have learned everything I know from her. And also my partner Nora for her grace, humor and intelligence. She has bipolar too, but she does what she needs to do and is an example to me of wellness. I look up to them both.

BIG thanks to this amazing author!

Mrs Bipolarity

Nah, Nah, NaNo, Not This Year

I hate to bail out on anything I’ve committed to.  But you know what?  I’m just too tired to deal with the stress of worrying whether my word count is going to come out right on November 30th.

It’s kind of too bad, because I have a novel that I’ve been working on, and I put it in the deep freeze to age a little.  Then when I got it out again, I realized it wasn’t the novel I wanted at all.  I mean, the premise and the characters and the story arc are all meaningful, but the approach is all wrong.  So it needs to be re-written from scratch.

I’ve actually made a stab at it, thinking I’d do it for this year’s NaNoWriMo.  But I’m not up to it.  My liver hurts, courtesy of a Cytomegalovirus infection I contracted several years ago.  I’m getting a cold, thanks to self-imposed stress.  I’m whiney and all I want to do is crawl under the covers and sleep it off.

You know what?  That’s exactly what I’m going to do.  I’m going to be kind to myself for a change.  It’s a habit I’d like to cultivate.

See you next year, NaNo.  Maybe.