This past week was marked by migraines, fluctuating emotions and a tiny seed of hope sprouting. First I will recap the less than spectacular parts and then we’ll get into my brilliant observation.
I started off the week with a 3 day long migraine, and I wound up going to the hospital. This was followed up by my psychiatrist increasing my meds. It wasn’t a good week. And yet in the middle of all this I find myself starting a new friendship that may possibly lead to more.
I split with my most recent boyfriend months ago. We tried staying friends, but he flaked on me. I’m kind of used to that, it happens when you’re bipolar. People can’t really deal with the constant mood swings and I get it, I do, but it doesn’t ease the sting. I had a bit of a flirtation with a guy I worked with, but he was even moodier than I am. Here’s a hint: if the bipolar girl says you’re moody, you might want to check into your behavior. Joking aside, I’ve been extremely lonely. I’ve got great friends but again, it’s difficult to care for someone who is as erratic as I am, especially considering they have lives of their own. So enter my new friend. We’ve run together and we work in the same building. He’s kind and we’ve had several great dates but I find myself putting my guard up again, trying to not get too hopeful. But the little bit of hope glows nonetheless.
As I reflect upon all the happenings of the week, I keep having a recurring thought in regards to relationships, romantic or otherwise. A good relationship is like a fire. I don’t mean heat and burning/sensuality/blah blah Harlequin romance novel terms. I mean, in order for a fire to last, you have to build a good base. You have to use the proper materials to ignite and maintain the fire or it will burn out. Too much volatility can burn you, too much space can cause the flame to die. My last relationship burned hot and fast at the onset..and burned out. I am trying to build this fire carefully, thoughtfully. My bipolar is making my hands shake as I stack the logs, however.
Is it OK to admit you’re terrified? That on the nights I laid awake with a migraine I was painfully aware of how alone I am? Of how messed up my life is? How in the world can I have a successful relationship with all this crap in my mind, in my life?
I hope that I can. I hope I can find someone who looks past the bipolar, who doesn’t run when it gets hard. The trick is to build the fire within myself carefully. Not too much of any one thing, I need to focus on the whole picture. I can’t let it burn too bright or too hot. I think I’m building a good base. I’m doing everything I can so the flame doesn’t blow out.