Daily Archives: October 10, 2013

Johnny Cash – Hurt

I hope this doesn’t bring anyone down today. This song is about mental illness all the way, isn’t it? This song helps me put everything into light. Life is too short. We have nothing but ourselves, love, and this illness.

Be strong, my friends. The light is there.

Bipolar Awareness Day

For you…


Mrs Bipolarity

Man set himself on fire has a… GUESS WHAT!



The man who set himself on fire, wasn’t mad at the government, he had a mental illness. Hmm. It makes me wonder how many more people will make the news because of mental illness. This man could’t cope and did something extreme. Why though? Why did he set himself on fire on the NATIONAL MALL? What kind of mental illness did he have? Where was him family? This is something the news won’t tell us, because it has to do with MENTAL ILLNESSS. (oh no! run for your lives!!!)

I don’t think I can talk much. Here I am anonymous to the world on my own mental illness. This man actually went out (well went out in a blaze… ha.. ha.. no) and told the world, in a really horrible, weird way that something was wrong with him. Shit, with our society.

I hope that is opens the eyes of America, HECK, the world, and makes them realize that MENTAL ILLNESS IS REAL, ITS EVERYWHERE, AND AFFECTS ALL! This man has unfortunately died, but he has not died in vain…

I’m listening, and sometimes one person listening is enough to start a revolution!


another solider lost. how many more?

It’s World Mental Health Day

And because it’s World Mental Health Day, I feel like I should have something inspiring and outstanding to say, some deep-meaning pile of thought and experience. Instead, I’m full of burrito from the new Mexican food truck in the town centre, and half-asleep, basking in my relatively still brain. Which, of course, isn’t a complaint — I value the stillness. That my brain is calm and quiet enough that I can *gasp* vaguely relax and enjoy it is a sign that I’m currently the winner in the ongoing battle against Bipolar II and its lil’ buddy, Depression.

Having said that, I continue to be physically run down and fatigued, so this is fortunate. I’m not able to do-do-do like my brain ‘needs’ me to do when it’s panicking over nothing. Nor does it mean I’m currently on the smoothest of sailing… just that, for the most part, things are erring more towards acceptable than unacceptable.

So yeah… stuff.


The post It’s World Mental Health Day appeared first on The Scarlet B.

Psychologically naked

You know how they always talk about having the dream where you go out in public naked? I’ve never had it myself but it is constantly referenced on TV.

It’s how I felt today when I went to my kid’s parent teacher conference, except it was my psyche that was naked.

I felt so exposed, so vulnerable, so weak. I was putting on the face, but my brain was this inner dialogue of paranoid thoughts and this feeling like my skin was crawling off my bones. I couldn’t wait for it to be over because I thought for sure she would notice my skin creeping its way off my bones and call the men in white coats to take me away.

I know I sound batshit crazy. The anxiety gets this bad sometimes, I start having illogical irrational paranoid thoughts. A mental illness gift I inherited after my daughter’s birth. Apparently I wasn’t crazy enough before, I needed another bucket of crazy in the mix.

I hemmed and hawed on whether to go get some groceries while she was still at my mom’s. I didn’t want to. I had to. I forced myself to. And it was awful because again, I felt psychologically naked, like every eye was on me and people were staring and they could see my skin crawling off my bones. I was on the edge of panic the whole time, my brain repeating the mantra you can go home soon, you can go home soon, you can go home soon. This has become commonplace for my trips out. And it freaks me the fuck out because I havent been this bad since before the Donor left.

So much for Lexapro helping anxiety a damn bit for me.

I told R my kid is out of school for the next 5 days so my time being his shop wench is limited. He knows I don’t like leaving her with my mom. He whined because he was going to have to write up ONE ticket himself, I’m not needed, he’s just a baby.

Now it is 1 am. My kid not having school has freed me from my mental prison of being in bed by midnight on school nights. I don’t know why it is, it has always been like this for me. I can’t breathe if I “have” to get up. I will feel pressured to get to bed, no matter if I am tired or doing something I enjoy or something necessary. The scumbag brain gets all stressed out and insistent that I MUST GO TO BED RIGHT NOW SO I CAN GET UP.

It’s not about sleep, though.

I will probably stay up until 4 am tonight (I am writing and when I am writing, sleep is an annoyance) but I wil wake up with my kid and take care of her and go through the whole day, no nap.

How is that even possible? It’s not logical. And the only differing factor is that I DON;T HAVE TO GET UP FOR ANY REASON OTHER THAN TO GET UP WITH MY KID.

It’s a lack of pressure thing. I don’t like being tied to someone else’s schedule because I never know what my mental state is going to be. It’;s like living with a pillow over your face.

I am a puzzle even to myself.

Now…back to writing about vampires. So the mental health professionals can label me schizotypal. Because liking vampires is totally the same thing as believing in them.

Are there enough asylums, considering all the Twilght and True Blood fans?

(P.S,  Forgive the typos, I am using a netbook and my fat fingers are at war with the tiny keyboard. Also, I am too lazy to fix them because it would involve using the touchpad and I am too uncoordinated to use it properly, My bad.)

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