Neat and Tidy

Our apartment will never be featured in Better Homes & Gardens.  Maurice works long hours and I am terrible at housework.  It’s all or nothing for me.  I try to keep the place tidy, but, once it gets a little messy, I start to feel overwhelmed and let it go.  This goes on and on until it’s a total disaster.  That’s when I throw in the towel and say, “To hell with it.”  But, what is it about housework that makes me completely lose it?

It’d be easy for me to say I’m lazy.   I wish that were true.  My guess is, if I am lazy, that it would be relatively easy to kick myself in the ass and get to work.   I do feel lethargic, but I also feel my heart racing, I have a hard time breathing, I get that sense of impending doom and feel my life is out of control.  Okay, let’s all say it together……..”Panic attack.”  Now, why the hell would I have panic attacks just trying to do housework?  I think it comes down to how I try to eat the elephant.

dinnerYou’ve probably heard it before.  ”How do you eat an elephant?”  Answer: “One bite at a time.”  Well, I have a very difficult time with that.  I want a big jar of BBQ sauce, a napkin and a bib and just plop that big pachyderm smack dab in the middle of the table.   The second it comes over me that I can’t have it all in one bite, that’s when I panic.  As I type this, my mind is racing over the absurdity of it all.

When I was in a recovery house, for my alcoholism, we were required to clean the house twice a day.  I’m pretty sure the reasons were to teach us to be humble and obedient.  I also believe it was to teach us how to keep things under control and not get overwhelmed.  Take a small bite of the elephant a little each day and things won’t get out of hand.

Maybe I am just lazy.  Maybe the panic attacks are symptoms of laziness.   I don’t know what to think.  All I know is want to get over it.

Anyone else struggling with this?

Comments are closed.