I recently read another blog written by shrinks called Shrink Rap and it is very introspective and a must read for those dealing with mental illness and judgments from other (even loved ones)
Here is how I personally relate. (Please don’t hate on my man because he means well)
BACKGROUND: Okay, I do not work anymore. I can work but I do get fatigued and mentally drained easily so when I get a job I have to have a flexible schedule and I honestly don’t know if I could or can handle a full time position that provided me with benefits so instead I am receiving aid from the government. It doesn’t feel very good but whatever; I need the assistance to be able to afford my appointments and medicines.
My Man: He wants me to get a job and I would LOVE to have a relaxed job at a library or doing something quiet and with books or book work but ….. I am scared and nervous to put myself out there again. It is as if I can work a year then I need to take off for 2 years to feel complete again. My man says I do not seem mentally ill to him BUT here is the rub, he owns a gun that is locked away in our home and he will not give me or tell me where the key is for it. Hmmm….does that sound right? He acknowledges in his subconscious that I am not always well but then when I am doing what it takes to make me feel better and stable he wants to rock that boat by asking me almost every other day if I want to get a job or he tells me how much better off we would be if I had a job. Financially we would be better but then it would wear me down. Hell even a library gig would give me paranoia I am sure.
He is part of the reason I am doing so well. He is a wonderfully loving and nurturing man and companion. But I do see a double standard he has about my mental illness. It is okay to test my mental and emotional capacity by getting a job but it is NOT okay for me to have access to a gun. Just in case the stress makes me want to hurt myself which is smart because I do have a suicidal and self harm history.
Thank you all for listening to me because I needed to get this off my chest.