Daily Archives: September 2, 2013

They’re at it again tonight.  I can’t quite tell if it’s a Cajun band or some kind of carnival music, but it’s there, distant, but constant, like a party going on a couple of blocks away.  Only there’s no such band, except in my brain.  I hear music when there isn’t any.

My shrink thinks it’s definitely an auditory hallucination-type phenomenon.  I can’t disagree.

I think it’s related to the random phrases of music that I often hear, usually one or two measures in 4/4 metre that repeat themselves endlessly, populating my temporal lobes with maddening frequency.  They’re not phrases from tunes I know or have recently heard, just randomly-generated sequences, and not heard on any particular musical instrument or voice.  I keep thinking I ought to write them down or record them, and maybe at some point they might meld into some sensible piece of music.

But tonight it’s the gypsies playing in the background, far away.

I think it might be related to the fact that I cut my Seroquel dose in half a few days ago, because it was affecting my balance, my speech, my thinking….in effect, I was over-medicated.  So I guess if I have to choose between distant calliopes and stumbling idiocy, I’ll take the former.  But I must say, it’s annoying as hell.

If I do something to create “white noise,” then that gets turned into phantom music as well.  Ear plugs?  Nah.  Just makes it louder, as if it’s trapping the music inside my head.

The only thing that helps is to put on some other music.  Sometimes I put a long playlist on my iPod on “repeat” and leave it on all night.  That does help me sleep.  I’ll do that now.

Oh, brain, brain, why do you misbehave so?

Already had my morning call from my dad. And a lecture on how I am “letting” these neighbor kids bully me and he and his woman wouldn’t put up with it….WHATEVER. They have a 5 year old neighbor girl at their house constantly because even though they tell her to go home, she doesn’t listen. Kind of my whole point is I am not LETTING these hell kids do anything. I am getting bent because I say no over and over and over and they just do whatever they want anyway. I throw them out, but they’re still sitting on my step. I get assertive, the 5 year old runs home bawling and I have to contend with a lecture from the parents on how to not upset their snowflake.

This is so not me. I’m an assertive person. It was in fact quite a big issue in some of my relationships because mousy men cannot handle an aggressive assertive woman. And a couple of months ago, I was in this mental space where I could make calls and not question my sanity.

The withdrawal has rendered me utterly incompetent and ineffectual because I no longer know if something is truly wrong or irritating or if I am spazzing because the brain zaps and everything are kicking my ass.

But of course, no one around me knows about any of this shit. I tried to talk to R and to my stepmom, just to let them know in case I began acting really off and needed to go to the hospital…But they don’t want to know and furthermore, they think the idea of anti depressant withdrawal is ludicrous.

My support system is underwhelming.

SO I am left to deal with it all alone, all these ankle biting kids stalking me, being told how I am doing it wrong and the kids don’t respect me but they respect everyone else.

Fine, you want me to take ownership? I own it, when my cycles are at their worst, I don’t know if I am coming or going. I am wishy washy. I will say one thing andfive minutes later change my mind. It’s not intentional.

I am so sick of feeling this way. So sick of being so goddamn exhausted every night that I have no time for what I enjoy because I’ve been stripped bare by everyone else’s bullshit.

I just know a month ago, when Damiana was still here I was irritated but I was not having psychotic reactions like I am now. Because I could send her away and shye would go away til the next day. Because my fingertips weren’t numb and my brain was not zapping and my emotions weren’t a symphony of clusterfuck-y ness. Yeah, I can’t even come up with the right word, my brain is not working.

But one thing I know, withdrawal or not, is when someone is struggling and your idea of being supportive is to criticize them and lay all the blame on them instead of the people behaving badly…

You’re an ass.

Thanks for making it even worse, Dad.

No one can make us feel shittier than people who supposedly love us.

8:24 pm. I am exhausted, demoralized, depressed, anxious, stressed…And I have no idea if it’s the withdrawal or if it’s just my personality.

I have been pushed to the breaking point two 7 year olds and 2 five year olds.  These kids are so rude, I honestly want to beat them to death. I can tolerate a lot but rudeness and being disrespected and ignored trigger a rage in me I can barely hold at bay.

I feel bullied. Stalked. By these horrible kids.

I used to love kids.

Trailer park kids have changed that for fucking good.

I honestly believe I am justified in feeling angry and used and upset. But if I am off base, by all means, feedback is welcome.

What I have been putting up with daily for 3 months of summer:

One little girl keeps coming over,into my home, demanding I feed her lunch because the other kids had food. So I gave her pizza and she said, “I’m leaving, ym my mom doesn’t like you and I can’t be here.”

WTF?

The other kids two, three times a day: “I’m hungry, give me food.” “I’m thirsty, give me a juice drink.”

No matter how much I give them, they want more And more. I have said no. They wait until I am in thye bathroom and sneak into the kitchen or they manipulate my kid into getting it.

I tried to talk to them, explain we don’t have much money and I can’t afford to feed everyone all the time. They asked for lunch.

I sent them home. They come back, over and over.

I don’t answer the door, they stand on the step, screaming and basically pushing in on the door to the point I fear it will break.

Today, I told the 5 year old to leave the kittens alone, the kids bothering them has made the mother not want to take care of them. Instant I go to fold laundry, the brat has snuck in and opened the damn carrier, handling the cats.

I told my kid she couldn’t watch TV right now. 5 year old satan kid goes and turns on the TV anyway.

I sent her and her sister home.

The older one comes back. Then the younger one.

SIX TIMES THIS HAPPENED. Today this is in one day.

The neighbor boy who is usually okay…got pissed off because I didn’t have any Kool Aid drinks left to give him so he said, “You have fleas, I’m telling my dad, we can’t be here anymore.”:

I got excited.

They all came back.

Finally, I grounded my kid for being defiant, locked the door, and of course, it was getting late so they had to go home anyway but they said they will be back tomorrow.

I am snapping, I am grouchy, I feel like I can’t breathe. I talked to the parents, they have this dumbass shrug “kids will be kids”.

No. Their kids are hell spawns.

I don’t even enjoy being home anymore because of these kids. They don’t listen, they have no respect for me. I have told them 20 times this week we are basically out of food because of the freezer malfunction…Yet they just keep demanding and I keep saying no and they keep asking, and of course, they have my kid say she ‘s hungry or thirsty and then they demand their own since she has something. I tel them to go home. They ignore me.

I literally screamed GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. It was not  my finest hour but I asked nicely for them to leave and they just ignored me. One actually rolled her eyes at me, then kept on playing. When I escorted them out, they sat on the step and said, “We don’t want to go home, so we’re not leaving.”:

HONESTLY, THIS GOES BEYOND KIDS WILL BE KIDS.

I am so miserable right now. Withdrawal sucks enough, now these horrid little beasts have made my home life a misery. Everyone keeps sayng, “But you let them.”

Um, pretty sure telling them to get out and ignoring them at the door is not allowing them.

I feel bullied, and the parents won’t do a damn thing about it.

I don’t want my kid to be a hermit like me, but I can’t keep this popularity pace with her anymore. I thought Damiana was bad. I’d take her back in a heartbeat to get rid of A and J. At least she would listen to me.  These two are the snottiest little kids I’ve ever met.

How is it I can destroy the psyche of grown men yet be so ineffectual with kids?

I asked my kid ten times to let me write this.

She keeps getting in my face.

And I want to scream and thrash around and the anger is just frightening. I hate being ignored.

How much longer will this withdrawal be so bad?  I don’t even feel like myself anymore, I feel evil and fragile and alien. I don’t like it.

Something tells me even if the withdrawal is gone, I’m not gonna be okay with rude kids.

Too damn bad the mood swings won’t run them off. Sad that children have tougher psyches that grown men.