I have a whole lot of hope packed into these little capsules…
If you’ve followed my blog at all (or just stalked the same posts over and over) you know I battle a mood disorder. My last two therapists were leaning heavily towards diagnosing me with Borderline Personality Disorder, and it was a diagnosis I could live with. I felt it wasn’t as severe as bipolar, schizophrenia or whatever. Today I saw my new psychiatrist, or I should say my first. He gave me the news I’ve been fearing for years: I have bipolar disorder.
I’m experiencing a mixture of feelings: relief, shame, anger, sorrow, clarity. At least we now know what is going on and what to do from here to get me feeling better. But it’s truly the diagnosis I never wanted to hear. I vividly recall asking my ex fiancee if he thought I had bipolar and him not really giving an answer. I guess I felt the official diagnosis would make me feel horrible, and don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly ecstatic. But I choose to applaud myself for not stopping until I got to an answer and for choosing to deal with said answer.
I do feel empowered knowing I have a game plan drawn out. I have loving and supportive friends and family. I have clarity and hope for relief. I have my renewed faith in Jesus and while it might sound crazy to say, I thank Him for this diagnosis. It ends years of questions, it points me to what I need to do now. I feel hope growing rather than dreading the continuous cycle of uncertainty and misery. I know it’s not going to be an easy battle, but knowing I’m making progress, no matter how small, means much more.
I also feel shame and anger when I look back and see what this disease has cost me: my ex fiancee, a job, friendships, financial security, Knowing I hurt people because I could not control my emotions. Letting people have so much power over me. I would never wish this upon my worst enemy, the battle you fight with yourself is beyond exhausting and unless you suffer from it, there’s no way to make people understand that.
I am not happy with the stigma bipolar disease has, which I myself fell victim to. I’m disappointed I’ve been tagged with the “crazy ex girlfriend” title. I am not well, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings, that I’m not a good person. Why is it ok to improve your looks, your physical health, but ignore your mind and spirit? Why is it ok to belittle people who are mentally ill, but trying their damnedest to live a good life? 1 in 3 people suffer from mental illness, I’m just one who decided to fight to get her life back.
So, this is my revelation: I am ill, but I am not giving up. I want to thank my interwebs soul sister Julia at feedmedaily.blogspot.com for being so amazing and supporting me, despite fighting her own battles. I also want to thank God and Jesus for reminding me that I am loved, loveable and worthy of much more.