Daily Archives: July 26, 2013
First we had Farmville and all its similar time suck cousins. Frontierville, Petville, I don’t know what I am Playingville. I quit those when I started using my debit card to […]
Well, it’s the end of the week and I’ve had it in my head that it’s been a good week and was wondering what I could post about today. Then I realized something – I have totally ignored my food intake and my exercise this entire week. I don’t know what my weight is currently, but I can feel it. I’ve definitely gained. Maurice told me I looked sexy last night. Thanks, Hun, but I was feeling anything but sexy.
I was pondering why, after several years, I’ve fallen back into my old routine. Have I really felt all that good this week? I know I haven’t been manic, but what about depression? I live with depression 24 hours a day so it’s hard as hell to tell if it’s better or worse, unless the change is extreme. I don’t recall there being any spikes making the depression higher than normal. If I overanalyze it then I’ll convince myself I have been depressed. That’s why I like to do a check in on my moods each day, rather than just the previous week.
I think it’s mostly been anxiety. I’d been anxious over the sermon, but I did that this past Sunday. Well, that should pass, but it didn’t. I’ve had a lot of anxiety since then over how I did. I think I did well. Maurice taped it all for me, but I haven’t gotten around to looking at it yet. In addition, for my speech class, I had a speech and a test this week. Totally anxiety there. I feel anxiety wondering if I’ve been dealing with anxiety.
I’ve talked to my pdoc about my anxiety and he keeps brushing it off. We normally agree on everything, but not this one and I don’t know why. I have an appointment with him tomorrow and I’m going to bring it up again and be a little firmer this time. Hopefully there’s a med that can lead to anxiety that he can take off my list. If not, I’m going to ask for some anti-anxiety pills. With a tougher school schedule coming up, I’d rather prepare in advance rather than be blindsided. I’ll see what he has to say about it tomorrow.
I am feeling irritable this morning, though I cannot figure out why. It wasn’t my denture breaking earlier this week; I can still wear it to fill in the teeth gaps, if not eat on it. It wasn’t having to frog my knitting last night; that felt delightful cathartic compared to trying to carefully pick out rows stitch by stitch. Maybe it was waking up feeling drained, though that’s so common that I cannot see why it would be an especial irritant this morning.
Maybe the weather is getting to me and I’m just not aware of it. The heatwave continues here in the UK, and while the rest of my family here are suffering obviously, I’ve been feeling comfortable enough. Hell, I’m even in a skirt today, one that shows my knees, and that *never* happens (mainly due to issues with immediate rashing growing up under the Texas sun; it’s much kinder to keep ‘em covered).
Maybe I’ve just got myself worked up subconsciously about having two medical appointments next week. I’d already mentioned the psychiatry appointment, but there’s also appointment #1 of 3 of denture replacement (or #2 or 4, if you count the *gag* impression stage of things). I feel almost as if some part of me is trying to work the rest of me up in advance of the appointment. Dude, brain, body, let’s not go manufacturing problems, mmkay? Being able to say things are good is good. My team knows I’m high-functioning, so I don’t have to have histrionics to prove my woes to them — they take me at my word, because I do the best to give them the right data. Still, maybe I’ve missed something… I’ll have to take stock over the weekend.
And yes, at least it’s almost the weekend. That’s always a good thing! I’m enjoying doing the things I’m doing, so that’s also good. Maybe I’ll figure out what’s annoying me, or maybe it’ll fade on its own. I’m hoping muttering about it here will take the weight of it off my shoulders… it usually does.
Anyways, hope that everyone out there is doing well.
Feeling manic though.. (can that happen??)…
Can someone feel all those in one time? And if so, how much more can they deal with until they explode, and cause serious injury to themselves and others?
Will I be the next nut that blows up something? What is happening to me…
I was half manic today. I took a break from the shop yesterday to nurse this chest cold I have, and I went back in today and I just couldn’t seem to stop talking. Even if R had zero interest in hearing anything not to do with himself or busted stuff. (I really want to slap kids who don’t play fair!) He even acted annoyed with me for being too talkative, unfocused and super cheerleader peppy. He was in WORK mode and I was disturbing him but HE CALLED ME. I don’t plan my moods, for fuck’s sake. Not like I pick out my clothes the night before and ponder a bit before saying, “Im gonna be suicidally depressed tomorrow because it looks good with this top.” Egad.
BUT when he went all adhd bunny it was fine and dandy. He even had me sit through a 90 minute documentary, ffs. Though this wasn’t a hardship because it was about the conspiracy theory surrounding 9/11 (And yes, I do believe our government had a lot to do with it, even if that makes me crazy.) I just cannot wrap my brain around how unfair this guy plays. I am trying to suck it up and accept it (give what I expect) but honestly it’s more challenging and stressful dealing with him than having 9 children at my house all week. Because believe it or not, the kids actually play fair. (They all drew me pictures tonight which I put up on the wall and A even wrote me a note saying that I am a nice woman and I am pretty and she loves me.)
They stress me out, sure it’s a lot of kids. But it’s a stress I relish because the reward is so high. It’s hard to be down in the dumps when you have all this energy and honesty and affection around you. The sadness comes but at least it is delayed.
Anyway. I wanted this to be short and make sense and NOT revolve around my bitchy little issues with someone who is so shallow I should pay him no more mind than a cockroach…Why this one guy gets under my skin so much is beyond me.
But I think the breaking point today when I completely wrote him off as ever having anything but bad side effects for me was when he was talking about this new book he is reading about having faith. He said he wants to “elevate my thinking” and wants me to “take time for some introspection.” It was all I could do not to laugh at him. I live in my head, being introspective about every fucking thing while he drowns everything in work, beer, and denial. He got to the part about how this author says his faith was deepened after his daughter was raped.
Um, if you can find something positive about someone being raped, fuck you, you’re a psycho. Our experiences may help make us stronger and help us learn but no way in hell I am gonna say rape or child abuse or pedophilia are good things for anyone involved. That’s not being negative, that’s taking my head out of the sand and being realistic.
It’s just further proof how far gone R is and probably always has been. All my warm, fuzzies are gone for him. He has just become this necessary evil.
He views me as negative.
Kenny thinks I am hysterical.
R thinks I am nuts.
His buddy Mark says I am one of the least crazy people he knows and that anything that doesn’t fit into R’s neat little box of expectations is considered crazy.
Perception is not everything because perception, all too often, is little more than opinion.
I perceive R to be one of the most uppity hypocritical least self introspective shallow fucks on the earth. I know wayyyyyy deep down he is good but all the bullshit trying to get to it has lost its value.
Yet other people, my own family, find him down to earth and a likeable good guy. I guess it’s hard to get the full gist of anyone’s identity unless you have lived with them and scratched the surface.
And that goes for me, too. I have been introspective lately about the doomed marriage to the donor. And I look back and I can see that I was pretty unfair to him at times. I won’t absolve myself by pointing out I was stark raving mad most of the time he was around because it was a contributing factor. What really drove me off the deep end was being told I was getting a Rolls Royce and it turned out to be a fucking Pinto. Deceive me, even if only by your own flawed self perceptions, and I will punish you for life. I am a bitch that way.
But again it’s just perception, and even my own tends to lean toward fiction on occasion. Because I was bullied in school I tend to assume any teenage in a hundred mile radius who snickers is doing so making fun of me. Not the least bit realistic and yet imprinted on my brain for life, that nagging little phantom pain from a tooth that was pulled and hasn’t bothered you for years, but every once in awhile…something sets off that old pain receptors.
At least I have the self awareness to realize it doesn’t just apply to others but to myself, as well.
Still trying to wrap my brain around him saying he wants me to elevate my thinking. He can’t exist one single night without beer and yet he is preaching to me about facing my own issues. How does such asinine hypocrisy not make everyone want to have a brain bleed?
Or am I perceiving his actions incorrectly?
I don’t think so, furthermore, I don’t care. I stand by my opinions until shown proof they are wrong.
This is why I am so drawn to forensics programs. Science is static, it does not change it’s mind every day, it does not lie, it does not have ego, it does not perceive. It simply states facts, long standing facts. (Fingerprinting bullshit not included in this because I have watched way too many shows where some expert “incorrectly interpreted the prints.)
When it comes to humans and emotions and perceptions and prejudices and opinions…I’m lost. I want to be fair but I stand for what I stand for and don’t like the constant intrusion of others trying to sway me to their side. (I’ve been to the dark side.,.and the cookies they promised? IT IS A LIE!~!!!) Now it’s one thing if they will at least reciprocate and let me speak my mind as well,. But as of late, that has not been my experience. And when placed back in that rural upbringing place “girls are to be seen, not heard from”…I become a bitch from Hades because I fought damn hard to climb out of that birthright and I am never ever going back to it. Dismissing me like so much fluff gets my venom flowing like a three headed cobra,
So my perception is…R is just not someone who makes me feel good about myself in any way and getting away would be super healthy because I am giving what I am getting (totally made fun of his new super short hair cut but he could be the pope and I’d do that cos long hair on guys has been my major fetish since I was ten.)
Unfortunately, I was just rejected for a job selling insurance because I have bad credit. And not being hired for a job is going to help me fix that how……
So this is my reality now and I am going to perceive it as a necessary evil. For now. But should the chance to abandon ship come, I won’t swab the deck first. Life is too short to be spent around people who are just so different that everything about them makes you feel lousy and vice versa. (assuming you’re dealing with someone who isn’t an egomaniac incapable of feeling bad about himself because he’s just so damn terrific.)
Wow. I really need Focalin. I had intended to keep this short and on track and I fucked it up yet again.
My kingdom for the ability to focus…
But yeah…Manic. Then in traffic it has started to feel like psychodelic bumper cars because everything moves so damn fast from all sides and my brain can’t process it all., Which breeds major anxiety and panic.
And now that the kids are gone, mine’s asleep, and it’s finally my turn to take a breath and get stuff done or just relax…My mood is crashing into that creepy place where I am sooo demoralized and tired and know I am going to have hop right back on the same hamster wheel again tomorrow…and it’s just like I want to slither into bed and not think for 7 hours.
Yet come morning when I have rebooted and haven’;t been obliterated by all the crazy activity around me…I will have an mental list a mile long of all the things I want to get done.
Only to wind up right back to creepy place again.
You know how I perceive that?
I’ve been gone a long time. It’s been a dark, unpleasant time, but I’m ready to let the light in again. Today the renewal began with a shower. Suffice it to say that I hadn’t showered for too many days – it’s one of my signs of inner deterioration. For some reason I like to look as miserable as I feel. I decided I was ready for a shower because I’m sick of being sick.
I’m tired of being tired. I’ve spent too much of this last month in bed, and trigger after trigger has rerouted me to Square One. I’m heavier, I’ve been skipping yoga, and sometimes I get so angry that I scare myself.
We found out this week that my thyroid isn’t functioning properly because of my lithium. I might (read: probably) have hypothyroidism, which will require another medication. Unfortunately, I can’t be on the medication long-term. This means I’ll have to eventually go off my lithium and find a substitute. While I’m thankful that I don’t have to make that transition now, when I’m getting ready to move to college, it’s frustrating and upsetting knowing that the change is coming.
I’ve also really struggled with body image recently. When I was younger, I was naturally slim. I could eat pretty much what I wanted, and I didn’t exercise. I was lucky. Now, I’m watching what I eat, I’m exercising, and I’m gaining weight. Some of that is probably because of puberty, but most of it is probably due to medication. I recently donated several boxes of my clothes to Goodwill because the items can’t fit my post-medication body. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed because I don’t want to get dressed. My mom and I are trying to fix that – we’re going to get a few new pieces for my college wardrobe that will fit this body.
The thyroid problem explains some of my depression, the weight-gain, and the fatigue. In the past month, my schedule seems to revolve around naps. I wake up after ten hours of sleep exhausted and sluggish. I barely function. I exist.
Here’s a disturbing image for you: Like a woman in labor that has lasted for 15 hours too many, I’m ready to push. I’m ready to push myself out of this funk. I think it’s time for a rebirth.
I want to fill my life with creativity and friendship again. I want to work on my projects and prepare for my new, exciting life at college. I want to spend time with people whose company I enjoy. I want to wake up feeling refreshed instead of drained.
I know these are lofty aspirations, but I think they are worthy. I’m going to do my best to work with my support system to achieve these goals. This blog will serve as documentation of the process, so stay tuned!
P.S. Thank you to all of the people who have reached out or thought of me during this difficulty time. I’m sorry I haven’t been quite myself, but thank you for your patience. Sending lots of love your way!
P.P.S. Welcome to all my new followers! I promise things won’t be quite as dull over here.