Daily Archives: July 23, 2013


My face feels strained
It is a smile that has been trained
I put it out there as a distraction
It acts as attraction
People are drawn to it
They don’t know what to do with it
Should she be happy?
Her life seems so crappy
Who is to say?
Why do some people get to play?
Her sky should be gray
She has been through a lot
But we’re all she’s got
Give her a hand
Show her this new land
She has fresh eyes
That haven’t been realized
Her vision is pure
Though she is unsure
Her smile hides her fear
But her mission is clear
Show the world your face
Claim your rightful place

“Old Faithful”- the cycles of cyclothymia

I can feel the tides shifting, turning. Not in an abrupt way, but when you’ve gone through bipolar as long as I have you start to recognize the landmarks. Right now, it’s just a little twinge where I can feel things beginning to slip. My mood isn’t quite so light, my energy isn’t quite so high, my anxiety and irritability are cranked up. I am finding myself irked with small things, and damn near having a brain bleed over the big things.

Over and over again, cyclothymia revisits like old faithful, constantly present. One thing about it. Even in its inconsistency it is consistent, as far as the cycles go. Spring, summer, mood up. Nearing fall, mood slipping. Fall. mood starts rapid descent. Winter, face down in the gutter. No matter the personal circumstance, no matter the “Hear me roar” mindset, it comes, without fail. I can feel  it stealthily sneaking up on me. By the time it strikes, I won’t see it coming and then I will have to dig myself out of an even deeper hole.

My old shrink understood this aspect of my disorder and would prescribe a prophylactic med for the seasonal affect, usually a secondary mood stabilizer. And while it didn’t have me bouncing off walls, it did get me through winter without a suicide attempt. I have talked to the current doctor about it but again, it’s like we’re speaking two different languages. I am actually going full lobbyist this year. I am going to assert myself and demand something, even a dose increase. Last winter sucked, from a mental perspective. I was functional, but it was without joy, enveloped in darkness, sleep my only solace. That’s not living, it is existing, and anyone who doesn’t know there is a difference is ignorant.

Another difference many are ignorant about, including mental health care professionals, is that functionality is not recovery. Just because you are out of bed and going through the motions of life does not mean you’re condition is improved or cured. Lots of fully functional people are also suicidally depressed.

And I am starting to think THE ENTIRE WORLD is ignorant when it comes to cyclothymia, the red headed bastard stepchild of mental illness. It is an illusion that just because I have 4 or 5 months a year where I am high functioning and in my right mind it doesn’t negate the 7 or 8 months of the ascent and descent of my disorder.

And I. amazingly, hope this current downslide is just the ebb and flow of cyclothymia. Because it it’s the Cymbalta failing, it’s going to add to the depression. I hate when meds just stop working, it has happened so many times to me. And the doctors don’t believe you. And the cheerleading society just wants you to “snap out of it”.

It’s too bad that when I try to tell the professionals I can “feel” myself slipping they mistake it with pessimism or unfounded fear. Much like a woman can sense pms coming on, bipolar patients learn to recognize road markers over the years and try to be proactive before things go too far askew.

Unfortunately, the people there to help us aren’t listening.



depression comix #135 [tw: suicide]

Reblogged from depression comix (wp):

Click to visit the original post

Once again, Clay is reading my thoughts. How does he do that? Or is it really true that we are not alone in our passive suicidal death wishes? I don't know about others, but I have had the exact same thoughts. The only differences are the thought of someone finding me (NO!), the thought of someone having to live the rest of their life having hit me with their (car, bus, train), and the horrible mess I would make on the sidewalk for someone to have to clean up, and bystanders to have to see. In other words, the thought of being the agent of someone else's nightmares. So I guess I'm not there yet, right? Hope none of us ever are.


Sleep doesn’t come easy when your brain sounds like a schizophrenic juke box with OCD on fast forward. Physical pain added to the mix makes one livid at 3:00am when the worlds most annoying alarm clock goes off at 6:00am. Even my usual pain/sleep cocktail provided no relief…until I found myself waking up to above mentioned alarm clock. Shit. A Monday on about 3 hours of sleep, while still coming out of a downcycle.

Routine routine routine.

Put one foot in front of the other and press on. With coffee. Lots of coffee. I shall blend in just fine today.

Back to School with Bubbsy & Gracie, and Bubbsy goes caveman with a dinosaur

Bubbsy and Gracie (Magpie) came home last week and started school today. Yea I know weird but really, after living here as long as I have, which I only just […]


Jealousy and envy
Sometimes it is all we see
Wishing to be anyone but me
They have more
I want to soar
I want people who adore
Objects galore
That’s what we yearn for
But, it will not bring what we seek
We will become meek
Unsure of what we’re searching for
All we want is more
More things and rings
Until our heart sings
But it never answers the questions
It forgets to mention
All the pain and grief
Things and money do not answer
They are just a detour
Answers come from searching deep
From taking a leap