When I first started this blog I was a fucking mess. I would cry for no reason, I became agoraphobic and could not leave the apartment. I became unable to answer the phone, and I would confuse easily and even get lost if I was able to force myself out the door. I had such a love for my blog, for my readers and for other bloggers out there. I would write each word meticulously. And there was one aspect that I made sure of…that I provided humor in my blog. It was important for me to know that people had a chuckle or maybe even a laugh when they read my writing.
I had no problem writing in those days. I couldn’t wait to get on the computer each day and start typing away at a post. For long periods of time, this blog was my only way to contact the outside world. I don’t know how I would have lasted without it.
As some of you may know I took a break for awhile. I posted that I was going to take a “short” vacation, but would be back soon. Several years later I finally came back and I’m glad I did. But, sadly, I find it very hard to be humorous anymore. I can still write humorously. I can write humor in my speech class. I have a touch of humor in my upcoming sermon. But, here on this blog I find it extremely difficult. Is there some truth that people with mental illness are most creative when in the lowest depths of their disease? People who know my passion for Van Gogh have asked me if I thought he would have been such a great artist if he wasn’t suffering from mental illness. My answer to that question is “No.” It is my belief that he would have most likely been an art dealer like his brother and other family members. It was his pain that made him most human and therefore most creative.
But, come on, I’m no Van Gogh. I was never that funny. But, I’m beginning to think that’s still true for me. Though I am far from being cured of bipolar disorder I am not in the midst of despair that I once was. I no longer toy with the idea of killing myself on a daily basis. I’m still a mess, I’m just not a fucking mess.
I want that back. I want to bring back my humorous side. I want to be able to express myself, make a connection with my readers and still be funny. I’m glad I began writing this blog again. I love it actually. I just want to make it as fun for my readers as it is for me. Maybe that’s going to take a little more effort than it use to. I know, if I go off my meds I’ll probably be hilarious for a week or two before I end up back in lock down. I don’t really think that’s a good option, though. It’s hard to write a blog with crayons.