Daily Archives: June 24, 2013

Stuff ‘n things

Why the title? Because this is gonna be a Seinfeld episode entry. Much ado about nothing. Why? Because I can. Furthermore, since nothing cataclysmic has happened, but venting is still good for the soul, I feel the need to purge.

Spent last night at a friend’s house watching Dr. Who. Was not planned, but my kid fell asleep and it was like, why bother driving home at this hour and waking her up?

She slept. I was awake til one a.m. Because I do not sleep well outside of my comfort zone. It isn’t even that I am uncomfortable in other people’s homes, they make me feel very welcome. But for some odd reason, being outside my safe space is not conducive to me resting properly. I should have taken a Trazadone with me, I suppose, but again, it was impromtu. Dr. Who (Smother eps) was freaking AWESOME, btw. He is growing on  me. Probably just in time for a new one to take over.

Speaking of new things. The sunshine spewer has tendered her notice, she got another job, which means I will be getting a new counselor. I was surprised, but not shocked, as it happens way too often in this town. Just when you get accustomed to a doc/therapist/etc, they leave for greener pastures because this place is on life support. I took it pretty well, actually, didn’t crash my mood or anything. But I think I will miss her. I mean, the new one I am being assigned to is my brother’s counselor, and he loves her, but since “deviation is evil” is my constant mind set, I worry about the time it will take to bond with someone new.

I’m trying to keep an open mind and be positive. Change doesn’t always equal suckage.

Did not have a bad day. Mood was up, in spite of Kenny being there, making my presence redundant. But I was requested so I went in and in the process of reassembling a projo TV I stripped for parts, I put the wrong back on it. Ooooops. Definitely the brain was on sleep deprivation vacation today. Honestly, though, all the tvs look alike to me. The only difference is the type of TV-projo, DLP, DILA, lcd, led, plasma, crt. You stick me in a room with four RCA projos all disassembled, yeah, I’m gonna mix them up because THEY ALL LOOK BLEEDIN’ THE SAME TO ME.

No major mood shifts or anxieties or personality triggers. I felt good (aside from the dead brain thing) and it was a good day. I left a half hour early, only to find my kid had fallen asleep 5 minutes before.

Well, unless one has nerves of steel and death wish, you don’t wake the Spookster. So I said I’d come back and if she woke up, call me, I’d be right there. I never ever want my kid to think I forgot about her or left her. She’s already had one parent do that. Not on my watch, she’s my spawn and I love her even when I want to put a muzzle on her.

Came home and the most amazzzing thing happened when I opened the door.

The place was actually COOL.

This is the first time in 4 years I can say this place has been cool,  no bullshit. It was sooo wonderful not to step into a sauna. Most people take something like that for granted. Having sweat our asses off for 4 years, Spook and I are loving this. May not love the power bill but it will certainly make four months of summer heat feel less sucky.

The *only* downside to the day, and it was actually more frustration than anything, was helping Nancy with her computer. She doesn’t understand basic principles, like using Google. I think the only sites she ever visits are Yahoo and Facebook. Which might explain why she has a bunch of Malware hijacking shit, which makes the other stuff not work. And some of it is so bad, it refuses to be uninstalled. She already had a reformat a year ago. Now she’s gone and gotten it all fucked up again. My advice to her, since it is running Vista, is to buy a new one. Vista has its fans, I am just not one of them. But really, what this woman needs is a Fisher-Price computer with the pictures on six keys. I am not making fun, just stating she is not computer literate and has no willingness or aptitude to improve her skills. She told me three steps to check her email was too complicated. I even tried to color code it- “orange” for firefox browser, purple  Y for yahoo, Mail button. How is that so complex?

What makes it so frustrating is she calls pretty much once a month and expects me to spend my fuel and my time all for free. And when I get called over for something as stupid as her muting the computer and not knowing she muted it (OH MY GOD, THE SOUND IS OUT!) it’s just asinine. I try to be patient, because God knows I am a slow learner and far from competent at 99% of stuff. It just gets very very frustrating.

Yep, I could find something to gripe about. But I’ve met people who never complain and just bottle stuff up and paste on a smile…I’m waiting for them to appear on the evening news perched in a clocktower.

I don’t want to be that person.

Now…I am gonna go lose my mind because not having my kid home with me feels too fucking alien. Maybe I have become to wrapped up in my identity as a mom.

I don’t think it’s harmful, though. I wouldn’t have a “My zombie ate your honor student” bumper sticker if I weren’t still me ;)


illustration #6 [nsfw]

Reblogged from depression comix (wp):

Click to visit the original post

This is exactly how I used to feel after waking up next to a stranger, in my coke-whore days. It took about two years of coke addiction to figure out that since I couldn't afford the stuff, I would sleep with the dealer (or anybody else who would turn me on to a few lines) in order to get it "for free." Problem was, the stuff completely made my depression go away....until I came down, and then I felt like the girl in this comic. Finally I figured out that I was actually prostituting myself in order to get the drug that only temporarily made me feel better, and when it wore off made me feel dirty, slutty, and suicidal--and I quit cold turkey, because I couldn't stand being enslaved to a drug habit that required prostitution to maintain. Thanks again to Clay for bringing back this memory of the "bad old days" that needs some processing.

Under My Skin

It’s back again…or did it ever leave? I’m talking about that mix of anxiety and depression that flows through my veins. A couple of months ago I mentioned it never goes away and, yep, it’s still here. It’s not in my veins, actually. It feels more like there’s a second layer of skin directly beneath my top layer that holds, nurses and caresses my depression and anxiety. Its had its grasp on me my entire life and for some reason it is becoming more and more apparent. I don’t know why. Even at my happiest times, when I’m talking, when I’m laughing, when I’m playing there’s this thing that holds on and refuses to let me just let myself go and have a fantastic time.

It feels like it’s always moving, flowing along beneath the surface. Is it the physical nursing the mental, or is it the mental nursing the physical? They are so intertwined that it’s impossible to tell. What I wouldn’t give for just one day that neither had their hold on me. It’s so exhausting.

I think I need to go to the beach today.

Raging Bitch

It happens regularly, maybe even cyclically. It happens like this: I spill or break something and start swearing profusely As …

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