As the day has worn on, and my kid has had her little friends over, all of them wearing out my patience…And my ocd brain going round and round on the “you’re irritating” thing…My anxiety has skyrocketed, and my mood is starting to decline. I cannot maintain an even keel for more than a couple of hours. THAT is irritating.
And yes, I am aware of the hypocrisy I am displaying by being so offended that R told me I irritate him when I have ranted about how he irritates me.
But then, he told me were friends and yet he treats me like little more than a competent but annoying helper monkey. THAT is what stings. Because I have asked point blank if we are actually friends or if he’s just utilizing me for his own needs..And that got his panties in a bunch, that I would think so lowly of him.
Yet here we are and there it is. My brain is not letting go.
Maybe because it hurts to be so damn honest with people and get nothing but lies in return, until I accept the lies as truth only THEN the truth comes out. Wouldn’t it have just been much easier to tell me how annoying I am in the first place? Or hurting my feelings some sort of sport for those around me?
God, I wanna slap myself for sounding so whiny.
The whole point is that my mood is slipping. I have actually been thinking about drinking, because alcohol is really the only thing that slows my brain down.
That makes me sad. Drinking isn’t a solution, it’s a crutch.
My focus is nil, I am restless, I can’t read or watch TV, my word game is boring me, I don’t want to do housework…I am in sit and stare territory again and I fucking hate it.
I really should have told the shrink I needed Lithium. Because then I would be too numb to feel any of this shit.
But alas, I decided to tough it out and I am the only one who really pays for it.
How can I not annoy others? I annoy myself.