As this is my 100th blog post on the Awkward Indie Girl Blog, I thought I would celebrate with some “awkward happiness.” I want to share some of my hospital memories, the ones that make me giggle or smile and remind me why I believe in people.
I’m afraid that if I don’t write these down, I will forget them. These won’t be presented as full stories. Instead, they’ll be little vignettes of my stay.
Names have been changed.
It was two days before Christmas, so the Family Guy Christmas Special was. The nurses didn’t allow Family Guy, so we were all huddled around the TV with the volume turned down low. We were stifling our laughter, trying to avoid drawing attention to our forbidden activity. We got about halfway through the episode when Frank burst out laughing. The joke wasn’t even funny. We glared at him, but it was too late. “WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING?” shrieked one of the nurses from behind the glass station. She ran over, grabbed the remote with her long pink fingernails, and changed the channel to the X Factor. While Carly Rose Sonenclar sang, she lectured us on how Jesus wouldn’t approve of our vulgar humor.
“I own a taxi cab company. If you give me your number, I’ll give you free taxi rides for the rest of your life.”
A tempting offer. “No, Frank.”
“What if I promise to drive you to the beach for all the crabs you can eat.”
“All you have to do is give me your address.”
“I’m not telling you where I live.”
“Oh no! Not for nasty purposes! It’s just purely work-related. My brain’s like a computer. That way I can find the quickest route from your house to the beach.”
“What if you pick me up?”
Lunch was one of the most boring times of the day, so a few of the patients came up with a game to pass the time. The game was called, “How High Can We Get Anna’s Blood Sugar?” I am fully aware that this is an evil, revolting game. While I never played, I didn’t stop it either. The rules were that you had to give Anna, an elderly, overweight woman with poor portion control, your dessert without getting caught by the nurses. Anna ate everything. The nurses couldn’t figure out why her numbers kept going up.
Many of the patients who were in the ward were homeless. During their stay at the hospital, they were given scrubs to wear. The pants, however, were often too big and strings/belts were forbidden items. Consequently, I saw a lot of butts during those seven days.
“Have you ever flashed your boobs at a stranger?” Karen asked me.
“No…” Where was this going?
“I have,” she replied. “I was visiting my boyfriend in prison, and we were getting private time to talk. I flashed him before I left. One of the guys working there gave me a high five on my way out. Those two -way mirrors will always get ya!”
There was a fight in the ward the day I was discharged. Frank insulted Eddie, and neither of them really knew how to fight. They were mostly just slapping at each other until Eddie pulled his Timberland boot off and beat Frank on the head with it. Security came to separate and tranquilize them both. This didn’t stop Aaron from telling the same joke for the rest of the day:
“Will you escape with me?” Michael whispered.
“Michael, we can’t escape. We’re here to get better,” I said.
“I’m already better, and I need your help to escape. Those doors look pretty heavy, but I think if we all ran at them at once from the end of the hallway, we could bust out,” Michael explained.
“Ok. If you get everyone else to agree with your plan, I’ll do it.”
“I’ll vote for what you want to watch on TV at 8 if you give me your salt packets.”
We were supposed to come up with 26 words, one for each letter of the alphabet, that were positive about ourselves. I can’t even tell you what most of the guys came up with. You’d think the nurses would learn and take that game out of the curriculum. Surprisingly, Frank’s was almost appropriate.
“B – Birds sing in the trees about how sexy I am.”
I don’t want it to seem like I’m mocking these people. For my seven day stay, they were my friends. We took care of each other. There were many funny moments during that time of healing, and I just want to show that. In each day, there is humor, and where there is humor, there is often love. I can laugh about the people I met because I love them, and they laughed about me, too. Remember, hospitals, like the world, are filled with humans. Some very funny humans.
P.S. If you want some more humor, you should check out my new YouTube channel!