I started the day out feeling lucid, solid, everything seemed clear and stable, my thoughts weren’t at warp speed, everything was making sense. I had a decent session with the counselor, felt pretty damn good. Then we ate and I got stomach pains and the cramps and backache started back up…
Then toward afternoon my mood severely crashed. Like a ten car pile up. To make it worse, R’s eldest daughter showed up to “organize” and chastise us for not doing it because the place “looks like a junk garage sale.” She was not invited, her organizational skills were not requested, but there she was, like she owns the place and R, of course, being the jellyfish he is, just caved in spite of his own protests.
When it comes to her, we will call her Ursula because she reminds me of a stern bossy German woman…Well, I have some serious issues with her. She has a master’s degree in psychology therefore she thinks she knows everything. She’s under the impression that mental disorders are little more than choices we make. Which has been my primary problem with psychologists all along. Saying mental disorders are simply bad behavior is ignorant beyond words.
She is more opinionated than I am, which takes some doing, and she has just enough of an overblown ego to buy into her opinions being the law of human kind. Mental illness doesn’t exist. The ONLY mental illness she gives credence to is what she calls “an adjustment disorder” after having her daughter last year, in which she took an SSRI. Most commonly called post partum depression. But I guess calling it an adjustment disorder caused by hormone fluctuations somehow validates her. She has openly disparaged people with bipolar disorder in front of me. For someone with a degree in psychology, she has zero belief in the very field she has entered beyond behavior modification and convincing everyone that everything is a choice they made. Got hit by a car? You chose to walk out the front door. Murdered by an axe wielding psycho? Again, your fault because you made the choice to leave the house. I am not joking. She really views things this way.
So when she comes around…I am very uncomfortable. She reminds me so much of her evil mother,it’s not funny. In fact, I’d almost rather visit with her evil mom, because she’s just a nasty human being. Ursula is not a bad person, but she is so stuck in her beliefs and that she is right, I find her a dangerous person. Especially if she’s going to “treat” patients with mental disorders. She is judgmental to nth degree, and not nice about it. She made so many references to poor people being low class today, I almost felt like it was all directed at me, because ya know, I am poor. She was singing the praises of her stepmom because “she’s done wonders for the house, I can’t believe anyone could have scratched up fraying carpet and not be bothered by it, that’s pathetic.”
(As I look on my stained threadbare carpet I have covered with rugs because it looks so bad and yet, what can I do about it? Oh, right, I chose to be poor, my bad.)
Then came more snark delivered with a smile which of course her father was oblivious to. She actually asked me why I was there if she was doing all of this stuff. I told her flat out “I tried but I gave up, this is his man cave and I’m not fucking with it.”
So I got a lecture about how cleaning is her coping mechanism and it makes her feel good to be productive.
Well, giving someone their own space when nothing in their life is theirs anymore is my coping mechanism.
I added that I told her father I didn’t need to be there all the time, and she said, “But you made the choice to be here.” And all I can think is, my god, this woman is the biggest bitch beast since my mother! She made a comment about her kid’s pediatrician and I said, “Oh, I love her, she’s great with my kid!” And that started a tirade on how Ursual “hates that fucking bitch, she told me my kid is fat, she’s a bitch, my kid is pretty and she’s ugly!” (Sound like junior high school logic to anyone else?) For fuck’s sake, I had two doctors tell me my kid was too plump as a baby and it pissed me off but ya know what? It’s not worth getting that bent and condemning a person. Doctors are under a lot of pressure, especially with children, to preach about getting them into the neat little chart dictating what they should weigh, by insurance companies and the like. Ursula said this doctor is also fake nice, lies to your face, and condescends. The irony is lost on her, though. Maybe her mirrors are broken. She made the choice not to take a long hard look at herself and her own behavior. Hypocrite.
Then she went uber critical on R because he is trying to grow his hair out and she called him “Ma’am.” (Which he and I had discussed earlier, his wife thinks he is avoiding a haircut because I like his long hair, but the man had long hair long before he ever met me, so I don’t see what I have to do with it, it’s his hair, I don’t know why any of us should have a vote.)
As she was leaving, she “informed” R he was getting an intern from some sort of electronics tech school, a friend of hers, so he’d have actual help. And he said, “Okay, we’ll see if he’s worth his salt.”
And I damn near burst into tears because, yeah, I said get the intern, this is good, I can break away, but my god, could he not have fucking told me himself? He claims he wasn’t told, she just sprung it on him, but I know he’s a liar. He’d lie and say black is blue if it keeps the fucking peace and saves him grief.
He promised he won’t get rid of me entirely and will still help when I need things.
From there, it was a battle of tears and anger and feeling like I had a knife planted in my back. I took my picture of Spook down and put it in my purse. Because while I wanted to cut back, this feels like being tossed out, and not even by him, but by his daughter. And he won’t speak up, he’ll just say something like, “Well,you can still pop in, what Ursula doesn’t know won’t hurt her.”
I have been hurled under the bus. I know it. And while in all honesty most of me is actually relieved, the fact that he couldn’t even tell me the intern was being arranged and all…That makes me furious. I do not deal well with surprises, it just knocked me on my ass to find out from someone who’s not even involved in the day to day shit of that place. And it got the sucky tear ducts flaring. So I went quiet, almost silent, and just battled my way through, living for the moment I could escape. I have no reason to go back. I won’t be waiting for the bus to run over me with all its wheels. If he had just told me, given me a heads up…The lack of respect this man has for me is mind boggling. Yet he is surrounded by his daughter and wife who don’t seem to like anything about him and won’t let him decide when he can have a cigarette, and I’m annoying because I have a dark view of the world.
I need to run screaming into the night and thank Ursula for freeing me from that depressing prison of betrayal.
Once I got home, the anger and tears subsided eventually.
My back still hurts.
I am in a weird mindspace. But the point is, I got out of there and the mindspace shifted. I think the situation is toxic.
Yet sadly if he does want me to come back, I will do it. Because he buys my cigarettes and I think nicotine withdrawal might just be worse than dealing with all the treachery. One day I will want to quit smoking, though, and then I will throw him under the bus.
Now..Back to my Jonathan Kellerman book. Murder is less depressing than some aspects of my life right now.
And my mind is made up, I am DEFINITELY telling the shrink I want back on Lithium.
Dead inside but stable beats the hell out of every emotion being a goddamn ticking bomb on an out of control roller coaster.
I am so tired. Being bipolar is like having a 666 tattooed on my forehead.