You hear something often enough, it must be true, right?
I asked R what about me other than the bipolar bothers him. He said he gets sick of my negativity.
And I said, “You mean the way I get sick of your naive optimism where you stick your head in the sand even though everything is not going well?”
And I could have suggested monkeys were flying out of his butt because he looked absolutely shocked at the notion that he could be annoying.
No concept outside his own wants and needs and disturbances.
I KNOW I am negative and pessimistic. I KNOW I am moody. I KNOW I can be a right bitch sometimes.
It’s why I go through the usually pointless exercise of counseling with the sunshine spewer, trying to confront the harsh truths about myself and figure out how to improve myself.
I pointed out he’s the same wreck he was 13 years ago and he dead seriously said, “I don’t see what’s so wrong with me.”
Hmm. He can tell me all about my faults, but he sees nothing really wrong with himself?
THERE is my problem with the human race. That’s the whole deal that makes me so negative.
Oh, and those pesky mood swings everyone seems to think are an affectation I choose to adopt.
Maybe if people didn’t treat me so shitty, I might have something positive to say. But that never occurs to most people.
“You’re too dark.”
Pick me apart and I will give what I get.
It seems like something I should change but since others aren’t going to change, I can’t be arsed.
In the space of 7 hours, the man managed to undo 5 days worth of my calm stable mood and once again, I am feeling like a criminal needing to flee the scene.
But I can’t. Because that would be weak. The best way to get over something that bothers you is to do it until it no longer bothers you, right? So I am told. I also think unicorns are real and pigs have wings.
I just can’t back down. I’ve never pursued a physical fight in my life. But when it comes to verbal warfare and defending myself and making a point….I’ve never walked away from a fight.
THAT is personality.
And maybe that’s something I can work on.
And okay, maybe I put too much focus on the negative and while the “expect the worst, be surprised if the best happens” approach works for me, perhaps I should stop spreading my healthy toxicity to others. Okay, I can accept that.
But when someone looks at me dead serious and acts clueless as to the fact that they might piss me off as much as I piss them off…
Not really motivating me to change, since obviously they think they have nothing to change. Equal annoyance it is.
THAT is personality.
But mid afternoon when I went from an uppish mood and slid into a low mood…
No trigger, no segue, just bang. Up, then smash down.
As much as it sucks for the people around me when I am down, it sucks more for me, because that’s when all the negative stuff really seeps into my brain and starts telling me I am beyond repair and no one will ever accept and love me, and I should just kill myself. If you live with such thoughts in your mind on a daily basis, it’s almost ludicrous for someone to tell you to find something positive about it and get over it. It’s not positive. It is very negative and it sucks and it is reality.
And I can’t bury my head in the sand like the masses. Can’t and won’t.
I call a spade a spade and considering how content I actually being by myself, I don’t see much reason to alter this facet of my personality. Because part of loving someone is being able to accept shit like being bipolar and pessimistic. And if I can’t find someone with that much character, then yeah, I’d rather be alone.
The only thing I have learned over the years that has never changed despite depressions and mood swings is, when you are with someone you don’t connect with, even with them, you feel lonely and alone.
And that’s worse than being by yourself.
So ok, I am a downer. I have too many cats, too little money, it’s hot, my car runs like shit, my clothes all have holes in them, my carpet is stained beyond redemption with 4 years of stampeding feet, the place smells musty, my stomach hurts when I get stressed out…
There is a LOT of shit in life and painting it to look like a rainbow doesn’t make it not smell like shit.
At the same time…
I love my many cats. I have a beautiful vivacious kid. I enjoy reading and writing and watching favorite TV shows. Every once in awhile I look in the mirror and my brain isn’t telling me I am more hideous than Chewbacca’s butthole. Once in a blue moon I managed to not only shave my legs without missing spots, but also without drawing blood. I may not have much money but the little I have, I manage well. The car at least has a decent stereo. Around midnight the place cools down and all is quiet and peaceful.
Life is a mixed bag. Things are not all good or all bad.
But excuse me if I am too busy enjoying the good to talk about it and save only the sucky stuff to rant about.
That being said, I will make a conscious effort to at least keep my pessimism to myself more.
But if I start making gagging noises when you spew sunshine and blow rainbows up my skirt…
Maybe you need to tone that optimism down.
Wait, that would be fair. No, we can’t have that.
Fuck it. I’m just gonna be and live with the fall out. It’s too easy to go with the grain.
Nothing easy is worth having.