I am absolutely flabbergasted by the difference in my moods from last week to this week.
Last week I felt almost manic, but not in the happy way, in the emotionally shaky one-step-from-tears-due-to-mooshy-feelings way.
This week, I almost feel numb. Not entirely numb, I am still very much in touch with my anger and irritation. But my mood seems more level, like I am better prepared to deal with the same stressors I had last week that sent me reeling.
Does this mean I have a mercurial personality? Or is this related to the cyclothymia and increase in Lamictal?
Furthermore, if I can go through such a thorough shift of mental space in a week, how the hell am I going to feel next week?
People think this is some sort of affectation or it’s fun. Truth is, this is living hell, when you can’t even trust yourself because your mind space is ever changing.
Whether real or part of the mood cycle, when I feel something, I FEEL it, lock, stock, and barrel. Even if I can convince myself it’s blown out of proportion, I BELIEVE what I am feeling is based in reality to some degree.
But last week I was a simpering fool full of warm fuzzy feelings and yearnings.
This week I am not quite dead inside, but…more solid. Still irked but steady emotionally. It’s so bizarre and confusing.
Like the true mental masochist that I am, I continue to go to the shop and atone for my past sins by allowing R to play on my guilt. It doesn’t make me happy but I’m just not in the mental space yet where the inevitable “fuck off” blow up is going to occur. It will come, though. He once got sick of me and dumped me. Well, this time around, I am the one sick of him while he’s begging me to stick around (because I am useful to him as a shop wench.) I don’t think he’s gonna see it coming when I do go off. He’s just that self absorbed. I listen to him bitch and moan, his inane babble, his neverending “I cope with reality by using humor” which is rarely all that funny to me. I try to talk to him about my life and I get “Hmmm…” constantly, just “Hmm.” And when I point it out, he has a mini hissy fit, “Well, since you’re going to make a big deal about it, I was thinking…”
Yeah, the blow up will come. It always does when something is fucking with my equilibrium to this degree. I’m just not there yet. Especially not when he’s telling me if he expands, he will hire me as a full time employee with a weekly paycheck. Honestly, no one else wants me, and at least the paperwork and customer service I can do well. Plus if I can maintain my current state of detached numbness…The evil you know is better than the evil you don’t…I don’t know. I am trying to keep it together. I’ve never managed it before but hey, there’s a first time for everything.
Now…I have to put a shirt on a stuffed dog and get ready, I am taking my kid to the doctor to make sure she doesn’t need an antibiotic for this chest thing we both have going on and apparently, Nasty Puppy is sick too so she wants him dressed. I have no idea where the doctor’s office moved but I guess I will find it. Detachment is not a bad thing. Otherwise, I’d be in a mind spinning panic. Maybe this Lamictal increase is working.
My neighbors are awesome, by the way. Their 8 month old baby is crying and they’re screaming, “Shut up!” Every time I think I am the worst mom on earth, someone else comes along to make me feel like mom of the year. Gotta love the human condition.
I am not my job. My job isn’t me.
