After two calls and a text begging for “helk” (my kid’s version of help that he finds so funny) I went into the shop to assist R. I was not happy about it. He didn’t seem to pick up on it or care if he did. One thing he needed I couldn’t pull off. The other thing I got done and cheaper than he had found it, like internet shopping is sooo difficult. I could train a monkey to do what I do, puh-leeze. He’s a 50 year old infant. More likely, just fucking lazy and why not, when you have this penitent chick you can guilt and manipulate to do all the things you don’t want to do by gushing how important she is and how irreplaceable she is.
God, I am stupid and pathetic.
Now it’s a battle of wills.
He started talking about the appliance repair.
I changed the subject. He has taught me well.
I mentioned my situation with all the ruined food due to the broken fridge.
He completely blows me off, doesn’t even offer me a dollar to feed my kid.
Self absorbed doesn’t begin to cover it.
So now I am kicking myself for allowing myself to be manipulated. Other than ordering a part and fetching his beer, there was no need for me to be there. He had Kenny yesterday and did just fine. But Kenny wasn’t there today so suddenly I was needed. I don’t think it matters who it is, R just doesn’t want to be alone at the shop. Not to mention, he fed Kenny decent take out. Like actually food cooked at a restaurant, not just thawed and thrown on a grill. I almost never get that.
It makes my position on the food chain exactly where I thought it was.
I am slightly below the fucking mail man and that customer who wants everything done for free which he does because it’s “too much hassle” to try to charge him.
Damn it, what is wrong with me?
I tried to confide in my stepmonster. She said, “Do what YOU want to do.” No doubt she ran to tell my dad who will give me an endless rant on what a great guy R is and how I owe him and I need to do something to support my kid and blah blah blah…I heard the same with the Donor, who dad and his brethren thought had rainbows sprouting from his keister.
Sometimes, I swear the ONLY person who is on my side is me. I keep getting knives in the back from everyone else. It shouldn’t be surprising but since I have changed so much, I live with the hope they have, as well. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Tomorrow I think I am going to go passive aggressive and not answer the phone. Fuck him. Let his little moochie pooch be his bitch. All I learned today was that being around R makes me desperately want to drink because it is the ONLY way I can tolerate him in large doses without wanting to hang myself. I don’t wanna be passive aggressive since I loathe that sort of behavior…But having been completely and bluntly honest and getting nowhere, it seems like the only option left open if I don’t want to have my mood crash from stable to “oh god kill me now.” which is kinda how I feel right now after dealing with the self absorbed man.
No coincidences. He is toxic to me. Whether it is my fault or his fault or a combination…I think I need to do something to change things.
I just don’t know what, or how to avoid being manipulated other than to completely avoid him.
He makes me feel so lousy about myself, and for what? Because I don’t want to be his mini me?
People = pain.
Except my kid. She annoys me, but mostly, she makes me realize what I am still breathing for. Hope. Hope that there is more to life than stress and people who don’t give a damn about me other than what I can do to make their life easier.
I just have to figure out why…
Why am I so pathetic?