“Life is what you make it.”
The Donor and I had many arguments over this very mentality. He liked to spew sunshine and piss rainbows.
Sometimes, no matter how much you try to convince yourself it smells like newborn baby and looks like a beautiful flower…a pile of poo is still a pile of poo.
Having the guts to say so doesn’t make you a pessimist. It makes you a realist.
My old counselor told me-and this THE most useful thing I have learned in 20 years of therapy– “Some days you just have to accept you feel depressed and go with it, because fighting it is setting yourself up to fail.”
He was a wondermous counselor and excellent human being who just “got it”. He understood what it’s like when your brain sends the wrong signals and “snapping out of it” simply isn’t a viable option.
That being said…
Other than feeling a little down due to the cold rain and gloom today…I am in a neutral mo0d.
Yesterday, however, was just an epic bucket of fail on the mental health front. It is what it is. You take bipolar, throw in the hormonal fluctuations of the monthly female curse, and you end up in a dark place. Throw massive anxiety attacks and paranoia into the mix and well…Again, it’s still a pile of stinky poo no matter how positive you try to be.
But it did pass. For now. I sometimes fear it’s just the calm before yet another storm…But for this moment, I am ok. But then, R had to leave for the weekend and I am the shop having told Kenny point blank NOT to come today because I don’t need the company. I am listening to music and enjoying the calm of no ringing phone or door opening. The only irritation is this computer is so old every time I try to use another tab it makes the internet radio cut out. Pretty sure dinosaurs roamed the Earth when this puter was manufactured.
I do so well in a calm solitary situation.
The other day, I went to pick up lunch at Subway and the place was packed and the manager was yelling at one of them employees right in front of the customers…And I had a panic attack! I hate managers who do shit like that. Call someone out for not doing their job in private. And when it’s busy and you need all hands on deck is not a good time. I used to be an assistant manager, professionalism is not optional. Even in fast food work.
But then again, as much as I loved that retail job as an assistant manager, I only lasted two years before the pressure sent me into a tail spin and I quit before they could fire me. (It turns out running to the back room daily for crying jags and constant dyslexic cash errors are frowned upon, who knew?) I still remember my manager telling me, “If you’re not stable enough to do the job and handle the pressure, you don’t need to be in this line of work.”
Except pressure and stress are every job, so where does that leave me? Right. Where I am now. Screwed.
I read a story the other day about a woman with a T-Mobile call center job and she was pregnant and under doctor’s orders to drink a lot of water…which of course made her pee a lot…And she had to clock out every time she went pee and had to take vacation time pay to make up for lost time. Then after the fact, she made a 16 cent error and they fired her.
Wow. Can’t pee, and can’t be fallible even in a call center job. Which I had thought would be a good job for me. But if you can’t take two minutes to go pee because you have to make their quota…How the fuck will my fucked up brain ever manage?
I am a slow learner, and sometimes, a slow worker. Plus, if someone is hovering over me and it’s a fast paced environment…I come apart.
I want to work.
But it seems no job out there can accept my limitations.
And it freaks me out. Because in spite of my disorders, I still feel like I have value. The world just doesn’t seem to agree.
But hey I came close to being let go by a friend from an unpaid internship…due to my moods…Last week, in fact.
I’m sorry, but I can work with being broke, with living in the trailer hood, with all of my pants having holes in them…This bipolar and panic thing…
Is just a pile of poo.
And it’s gross and stinky and no amount of spewing sunshine and pissing rainbows will ever change that.
Now…Something I found on line awhile back that I have made multiple copies of and plastered everywhere, even here at the shop. It is exactly how I feel.