Daily Archives: April 25, 2013

Study Time

It’s study time today. I’m preparing for a difficult Cultural Anthropology exam next week. Just a few years ago I couldn’t leave the apartment and now I’m in college. It’s been an exciting, but difficult experience. I sometimes think I’ve gone back too soon. More than sometimes, actually. In honesty, I think it a lot of times. Hopefully at the end of the semester I’ll prove myself wrong. Time to hit the books…

depression comix #120 (rape, suicide, self-harm trigger warnings apply)

Reblogged from depression comix:

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Clay tells it how it is, once again. Cruelty kills.

And so it begins…

R called last night and suggested I take a day off.

Not once in 18 months has he ever done that.

Now I’d love to think he’s simply being nice and thoughtful.

But after our prior conversations in which he basically said I was overreacting and distracted and not my normal self…

I think this is the beginning of a process that has been a constant in my life.

I do well for awhile. I struggle. I bounce back.

But eventually the stress takes a toll and I start to unravel. People begin to notice. My productivity is down. My focus is nil. My moods are so up and down and my anger so prevalent, I am no longer pleasant to be around…

And it comes down to “take a few days off, rest up” because yeah, that’s gonna cure mental illness…OR the ultimatum, “Get your shit together and be professional, you can’t act like this.”

Oh Niki’s greatest hits collection grows bigger.

Am I being pessimistic and paranoid? Perhaps. I doubt it. I have learned my lessons the hard way on what being naive costs me. I mean, I had that near fatal reaction to Topamax a few months  back, could barely walk and function, and he had NO problem with me not feeling well then, I was still supposed to be there.

But my moods become unpleasant, even if I am being quiet and trying to keep them to myself…Well NOW I need a break. Or does he need the break because I am no longer a coddling adoring little helper monkey?

Yesterday was hell on Earth. I had a draft written but it vanished. It’s okay, though, since it was written mid melt down and was likely just redundant mood swinging bullshit. In spite of it all, I let Spook have company last night and while it was stressful because the kids were screeching and wrestling…It was also fun not to think of my own shit for awhile. I played with the kids and for a moment, it felt like, yeah, this is who I am.

Then came the “take the day off” call and it hit me that my past is repeating itself because while I can maintain certain amounts of stability and functionality for brief stretches…Eventually the stress gets to me and things start to come undone. This was why they fought to put me on disability in the first place because it had happened over and over and over and no one can support themselves if they are functional five months out of 12. I thought maybe things had changed, maybe I had improved.

It’s not looking that way.

Of course, today my mood is damn near hypomanic.

Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.

On the plus side, I took a Trazadone last night and got a decent night’s sleep. If you discount the bizarre Trazzy D induced dreams. Those freak me out.

Now…what to do with myself today. I am a little nervous as my brother goes to court today on that stalking thing and I am scared of what is going to happen. His emotional maturity is around age 12 but legally, he turns 18 in July. It could go in a bad way for him and while I spend my life in a cocoon of apathy if it doesn’t directly impact me (survival method), I do love my brother and I’d hate to see this charge stick on his record when his life is just starting. It bothers me.

Not sure what to do with myself now. Funny how that works. The days I am low and want to stay home and piddle, I can’t. The days I am brimming with manic energy, I am at a loss on what to do with it. Could I be more of a clusterfuck?

I had an epiphany yesterday.

My brain is sort of like the processor and graphics card out of a computer made in 2002. It functions, but technology has become so advanced, it can no longer keep up with the pages of flash ads and it crashes often. (Maybe because this is how the shop computer is.) I need an upgrade. Last night I started wondering if I need electroshock therapy. Getting desperate here.

But bipolar is a disorder, lifelong, and it cannot be reformatted or upgraded. It is what it is.

And I am what I am.

A beautiful mess.

Anxiety, Bipolar, and Moving On

I really need to get moving again, but the bipolar/anxiety/depression makes me fear moving.

I really need to get moving again, but the bipolar/anxiety/depression makes me fearful.

I’m at home again today… yay. ¬¬ I was feeling so out of sorts that I didn’t go to my biweekly Stitch ‘n Bitch gathering; I’ve only missed that once, and I was out of the country. I thought about it, and even getting a lift there and a taxi back sounded like too big a deal. Everyone is generally really nice and fun to be around, but I feel so fragile that I didn’t want to risk tipping myself out of the sanity boat while in a pub!

That’s the big problem with avoidance for the maintaining of sanity — you get mired and it’s really hard to get moving upward and onward. There’s a little voice in the back of my head tsking at me for still being curled up at home alone, but the rest of my brain and my body are telling me that I am doing the right thing, that I am not weak for taking care of myself. And of course, the best of the worst — if I’m obviously having such a big problem with being out in the world right now in spite of my otherwise fantastic progress, that means that the psychiatrists are going to be more amenable towards giving me something that helps… right?

But I don’t know that, and I don’t know that I can trick myself into moving on from the current state of being. I have no energy. I have no reserves. I have no shielding. I have to keep reminding myself that I qualify as sick, and that it does me no good to try to run or climb when I can barely walk (figuratively). I’m just so frustrated by it all, though I won’t sit here fretting over the why of it — it just is. It sucks, but it’s not going to magically go away just because I think positively or whatnot (though I will concede that positive thinking does have a minor effect).

Anyways, I’m still holding on and hovering above the void, which I’m grateful enough for. And, hopefully, next week I’ll be able to find a bit of inner strength to try and get back to doing and existing outside of my little corner retreat. :)

I hope that everyone is having a good day.


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