Weeks since I last cried or even came close.
Then tonight…from out of nowhere…I get teary and my voice falters while trying to assert myself and explain my thoughts on the phone to R…
And as soon as I hang up…The dam bursts.
Like uncontrollably. The tears stop, then start right up again.
And the dark recesses of my brain are saying very bad things because right now, I feel very very bad.
It was just a tough day.
My 17 year old brother was served a restraining order and has to appear in court the 25th because he has a crush on a freshman girl and she thinks his attentions are harassing.
My 14 year old nephew informed me tonight that Hitler was a great man and people only persecute him for his past and it is wrong to hold someone’s past against them.
I’ve got people pondering my parenting skill and my daughter’s intelligence because she’s almost four and not potty trained and one well meaning soul even declared “WE have to do something about this.” WE? She’s MY kid, fuck off.
R is constantly on me about getting that certification to expand the business when there’s very little business in the first fucking place. He whines about how broke he is and has the nerve to ask me why I can’t keep my kid in pull ups on what I have.
Meanwhile his little friend Kenny quits his job three weeks before having to move out of where he is living with no plans. He drives his mom’s vehicle because he wrecked his own. He is constantly borrowing money off of R. He is constantly at the shop and now planning on living there. Nice guy, but total screw up.
But in spite of everything I am trying to juggle, R is still on my case to “rise above it and do better.”
Tell me that’s fucking fair.
He made a comment about “You’ve been distant and unfocused, not keeping me on track, maybe it’s something to do with your meds…”
Not an hour ago I had told him I needed the damn Focalin and he’s so drunk he doesn’t even remember.
He told me I need to calm down about the Kenny thing.
He wants me to go out to dinner and drinks with his wife Friday night while he babysits Spook and his granddaughter.
I agreed only because they both got on the phone and I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. I’m trying so hard not to cry, dabbing my nose and eyes with a tissue, attempting to sound so solid because my mental stuff scared R off in the first place…and meanwhile, I am agreeing to something I don’t want to do because I was put on the spot and my tears are gushing and it all feels like it is slipping away and I am freaking the fuck out.
As of this moment, I just want to avoid him and that shop tomorrow. I want nothing to do with him. I know the mood will pass, it always does, but right now…He is the object of my hatred and anger simply because he’s so goddamn unassertive and he has no expectations of Kenny yet puts so much pressure on me. It makes sense in my warped mind right now. One set of rules for Kenny, one set for me. How would that not piss most people off?
And he still doesn’t get it, nothing I said, not one goddamn word, sank into his head. He still thinks I am being unreasonable and overreactive. Yeah, well, it’s kind of hard to do what I need to do when Kenny is there cranking up Nascar, Youtube videos, and hogging the computer that gets me the schematics and shit he needs, so why shouldn’t I be pissed off? I have to beg him to put gas in my car so I can show up to help him, but he just hands the keys to the candy store to Kenny. How am I not supposed to take offense?
Or am I full of shit?
It’s wayy too soon for pms.
I’m not entirely sure what brought this on except a few days of extreme stress with the kids here and this family stuff and the situation with R and…
But hearing “I’m entitled to drink my problems away at night because I quit drinking long enough to get my degree with high honors 30 years ago.”…just really set me off. The man who ditched me for being mentally ill, something not within my control, yet he has a problem but he earned the right to indulge it 7 days a week with 80 plus ounces of beer every night.
Then why am I not entitled to be unmedicated and throw shit at people’s heads because the mood strikes me?: I EARNED it with all the side effects and near fatal reactions to the meds, right?
Bullshit. Bullshit reasoning by someone as steeped in denial as The Donor.
But it’s so prevalent I have actually started to entertain the notion that it’s the norm. Wanting to be better, wanting to be more self aware, wanting to fix the problems and break the cycle…That’s wrong. You must embrace your misery and vices and bad traits like a security blanket and anyone who doesn’t agree is wrong and you just shun them…Right?
Cripes, I don’t even know what I am on about now. I doubt I will sleep any time soon, and I do apologize for three posts in one day but…Hey, my tears have dried up now that I have vented. That’s a good thing.
Still want to crawl out of my skin and throw shit at certain people’s heads because I EARNED the right, but somehow, I am still held to a different set of rules than everyone else it seems.
When I do finally snap…
I know where they all live.
Wow…I think I am gonna cry again.