“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, ‘There now, hang on, you’ll get over it.’ Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.”
-Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees
Posted in Read Along
I feel like I’m in a holding pattern… right above the void known as depression.
I find myself at home again today… yay. Not.
I was definitely fortunate that last night was a serene and peaceful night for the household. Everyone seemed to be doing fairly well, and I certainly felt less on edge. I definitely appreciated it, considering how poorly my mental state is.
And even though I woke up this morning in a semi-timely manner, and cracked jokes and smiled at my family, I knew I wasn’t okay enough to venture out into the world. I’m pretty sure that extends to going out tonight as well; I feel too shell-shocked to consider operating a motor vehicle. That’s not even including feeling that I’ve earned going out with this staying in, though I admit that particular part of the equation is incredibly minor — I’ve worked very hard to not be self-flagellating, and I intend to keep up the good work in that regard.
But I do have to acknowledge that I am in a holding pattern. While I’m fending off the worst of the depression somehow, it’s pretty inevitable that it’s going to break through and be unpleasant. Or is that just self-fulfilling prophecy? I try my best to not shoot myself in the foot, but it feels so heavy and inevitable. Not enough for me to give up immediately, but still… soon. As I’ve said before, I’m running on pretty much no spoons, so there’s an increasing lack of resources to keep afloat with.
Anyways, here’s hoping I can keep holding on until this passes, right?
<3
The post Depression Stand-Off: Enter the Holding Pattern appeared first on The Scarlet B.
I feel like I’m in a holding pattern… right above the void known as depression.
I find myself at home again today… yay. Not.
I was definitely fortunate that last night was a serene and peaceful night for the household. Everyone seemed to be doing fairly well, and I certainly felt less on edge. I definitely appreciated it, considering how poorly my mental state is.
And even though I woke up this morning in a semi-timely manner, and cracked jokes and smiled at my family, I knew I wasn’t okay enough to venture out into the world. I’m pretty sure that extends to going out tonight as well; I feel too shell-shocked to consider operating a motor vehicle. That’s not even including feeling that I’ve earned going out with this staying in, though I admit that particular part of the equation is incredibly minor — I’ve worked very hard to not be self-flagellating, and I intend to keep up the good work in that regard.
But I do have to acknowledge that I am in a holding pattern. While I’m fending off the worst of the depression somehow, it’s pretty inevitable that it’s going to break through and be unpleasant. Or is that just self-fulfilling prophecy? I try my best to not shoot myself in the foot, but it feels so heavy and inevitable. Not enough for me to give up immediately, but still… soon. As I’ve said before, I’m running on pretty much no spoons, so there’s an increasing lack of resources to keep afloat with.
Anyways, here’s hoping I can keep holding on until this passes, right?
<3
The post Depression Stand-Off: Enter the Holding Pattern appeared first on The Scarlet B.
When I’m optimistic that my optimism could persist for more than a week or two, it’s a pretty good day. …
Weeks since I last cried or even came close.
Then tonight…from out of nowhere…I get teary and my voice falters while trying to assert myself and explain my thoughts on the phone to R…
And as soon as I hang up…The dam bursts.
Like uncontrollably. The tears stop, then start right up again.
And the dark recesses of my brain are saying very bad things because right now, I feel very very bad.
It was just a tough day.
My 17 year old brother was served a restraining order and has to appear in court the 25th because he has a crush on a freshman girl and she thinks his attentions are harassing.
My 14 year old nephew informed me tonight that Hitler was a great man and people only persecute him for his past and it is wrong to hold someone’s past against them.
I’ve got people pondering my parenting skill and my daughter’s intelligence because she’s almost four and not potty trained and one well meaning soul even declared “WE have to do something about this.” WE? She’s MY kid, fuck off.
R is constantly on me about getting that certification to expand the business when there’s very little business in the first fucking place. He whines about how broke he is and has the nerve to ask me why I can’t keep my kid in pull ups on what I have.
Meanwhile his little friend Kenny quits his job three weeks before having to move out of where he is living with no plans. He drives his mom’s vehicle because he wrecked his own. He is constantly borrowing money off of R. He is constantly at the shop and now planning on living there. Nice guy, but total screw up.
But in spite of everything I am trying to juggle, R is still on my case to “rise above it and do better.”
Tell me that’s fucking fair.
He made a comment about “You’ve been distant and unfocused, not keeping me on track, maybe it’s something to do with your meds…”
Not an hour ago I had told him I needed the damn Focalin and he’s so drunk he doesn’t even remember.
He told me I need to calm down about the Kenny thing.
He wants me to go out to dinner and drinks with his wife Friday night while he babysits Spook and his granddaughter.
I agreed only because they both got on the phone and I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. I’m trying so hard not to cry, dabbing my nose and eyes with a tissue, attempting to sound so solid because my mental stuff scared R off in the first place…and meanwhile, I am agreeing to something I don’t want to do because I was put on the spot and my tears are gushing and it all feels like it is slipping away and I am freaking the fuck out.
As of this moment, I just want to avoid him and that shop tomorrow. I want nothing to do with him. I know the mood will pass, it always does, but right now…He is the object of my hatred and anger simply because he’s so goddamn unassertive and he has no expectations of Kenny yet puts so much pressure on me. It makes sense in my warped mind right now. One set of rules for Kenny, one set for me. How would that not piss most people off?
And he still doesn’t get it, nothing I said, not one goddamn word, sank into his head. He still thinks I am being unreasonable and overreactive. Yeah, well, it’s kind of hard to do what I need to do when Kenny is there cranking up Nascar, Youtube videos, and hogging the computer that gets me the schematics and shit he needs, so why shouldn’t I be pissed off? I have to beg him to put gas in my car so I can show up to help him, but he just hands the keys to the candy store to Kenny. How am I not supposed to take offense?
Or am I full of shit?
It’s wayy too soon for pms.
I’m not entirely sure what brought this on except a few days of extreme stress with the kids here and this family stuff and the situation with R and…
But hearing “I’m entitled to drink my problems away at night because I quit drinking long enough to get my degree with high honors 30 years ago.”…just really set me off. The man who ditched me for being mentally ill, something not within my control, yet he has a problem but he earned the right to indulge it 7 days a week with 80 plus ounces of beer every night.
Then why am I not entitled to be unmedicated and throw shit at people’s heads because the mood strikes me?: I EARNED it with all the side effects and near fatal reactions to the meds, right?
Bullshit. Bullshit reasoning by someone as steeped in denial as The Donor.
But it’s so prevalent I have actually started to entertain the notion that it’s the norm. Wanting to be better, wanting to be more self aware, wanting to fix the problems and break the cycle…That’s wrong. You must embrace your misery and vices and bad traits like a security blanket and anyone who doesn’t agree is wrong and you just shun them…Right?
Cripes, I don’t even know what I am on about now. I doubt I will sleep any time soon, and I do apologize for three posts in one day but…Hey, my tears have dried up now that I have vented. That’s a good thing.
Still want to crawl out of my skin and throw shit at certain people’s heads because I EARNED the right, but somehow, I am still held to a different set of rules than everyone else it seems.
Is okay.
When I do finally snap…
I know where they all live.
Muhahahaha.
Wow…I think I am gonna cry again.
FUCK.
I have officially been called on the carpet by R for being distracted and not my usual helpful coddling-him self.
I know I am distracted. If anyone wants to give me three hundred bucks, I will be happy to get a script for Focalin. No? I thought so. Wonky is what I am left with. My counselor says at least I have the self awareness to recognize that I am wonky. Yay, that made it feel much better to have it pointed out by someone who was never all that tolerant of my mental issues.
On top of a low mood and being unfocused and distractable, my anxiety level went thudding off into the stratsophere and I bounced between moments of feeling pissed off, feeling depressed, and simply feeling like death would be the welcome alternative to all this mood flopping shit.
Stellar day for me.
What amazes me is that I have grown so much as a person, worked so hard to change some of my less savory personality traits, medicated the disorders, all so the people around me can handle me better ‘cos ya know, I’ve spent a lot of my life either not knowing I had a disorder or just coping due to lack of insurance for a dr, so I know I can handle it. I don’t get a choice. So in part the changes have been made for myself, but a large part has always been seeking this elusive “normal” I hear so much about which I apparently am not.
Meanwhile, the people around me who have no mental disorders and are just drunks, emotionally unavailable, lacking in self awareness, and walking advertisements for personality disorders that make them pains in the ass… They get to stay exactly who they are, figuring they “earned” the right to be who they are and do what they do.
I have never been afforded the luxury so it really pisses me the fuck off.
I have basically been told to change everything about myself by so many people, if I had a fragile psyche, I’d have killed myself by now because there’s not one thing about me someone can’t take issue with. I may lack self confidence, but I do not have low self esteem. I, for the most part, like my personality. I could do without the mood swings and anxiety, but ya know what? The quirkiness, the love for the dark and macabre, the love for cats and kids, my love for music of all genres, my “fuck you if you don’t like it” lack of fashion sense….
I LOVE ALL OF THAT ABOUT MYSELF.
And it seems the more I am told that in addition to medicating the crazy I need to “grow up” and change all of those things too…The more I am determined to be exactly who I am.
Truth be told, it didn’t work when I was 17, the whole forced conformity. (I went to Job Corps and the woman there told me I HAD to stop dotting my eyes with smiley faces on my signature or I would never be taken seriously…Yet it’s been my trademark for so long, I had my bank call me once over a check that didn’t have the smileys…So fuck her.)
If I didn’t change at 17, I’m not gonna change at 40. I take care of my kid, pay my bills, none of which is impacted in the least by the music I listen to, the things I collect, or an obsessive affection for cats. In this respect, people can bite me.
But ya know, if I were a functional alcoholic for going on 30 years and justifying it with “I’m stressed out and I’ve earned this by graduating with my degree with high honors…”
I’d feel ashamed of myself.
Yet, there it is. The hypocrisy I am surrounded by. This is supposed to motivate me out of my depressions and help me focus? It should make me function to spite it, but instead…It’s just making me realize all the work I’ve done and will do towards making myself a better human being…is for nothing. Because the assholes around me are never going to change. Meanwhile, over the years, I’ve found myself so blurred around the edges by people wanting me to be something I am not…I have time and again had to send a search party to find the parts of myself I seem to be the only who likes.
The holy grail of bipolar, though, is tomorrow will probably bring a new mood and mind set.
It just irks me to no end. Last week I was commenting how I was content with my life right now.
This week I feel like I am crawling out of my skin and if I don’t escape this life soon, I am gonna hang myself.
I hate this shit. This I would change about myself.
But short of a brain transplant…I’ve got nothing.
Posted in Read Along
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