My day in a nutshell.
I dressed “normal”. Khakis and a pretty multi colored sweater. Something different. It felt like I was in someone else’s mind and body all day.
Except for the adhd/ocd brain thing. That was all me.
I was quiet. I was distracted by thoughts in my head that amounted to nothing. But I nodded and said “Yep” to everything most of the day. Then when quizzed on stuff I was so supposed to be learning, I had to admit I had no clue. I know I frustrate R. I frustrate me. The short term memory failure really pisses me off. I should NOT have to ask for a serial number to be repeated four times because I reach for the memory and it’s…gone. Like vapor. Not there. Even when fully focused that happens. Today…I would have happily stared at shiny things all day while my brain trampled across an obsessive compulsive roster of pointless non productive thoughts.
Sometimes, I feel like an absolute airhead.
I know I am not, I am pretty intelligent for someone with nothing but a rural upbringing and a GED.
Still….Being so out of focus and distractable and feeling so…unlike myself…It was an unpleasant experience.
I had to leave early to go talk to the sunshine spewing counselor.
She was cool supportive and all. But sometimes, she does this absolute silence thing while sitting back and staring at me and it makes me feel like she is scrutinizing me like the police would a criminal suspect. Could be my paranoia or her waiting for me to arrive at the correct conclusion of whatever I just said or asked.
Or she could be evil and out to get me, for all I know.
Like I said…It was a weird mental health day.
Came home to kids again. I let them play an hour and a half, then sent them home. About all my nerves could handle.
Now…Nearing bedtime. Kid is asleep. Cats are calm. I did some housework.
And because my brain keeps jumping from this and that and the other…I have no clue what to do with myself except go to bed. I don’t want to go to the shop tomorrow. Let Kenny fetch shit. Plus, I honestly feel like R has become entirely too dependent on me. If he wants me there five days a week, he should be able to pay me an hourly wage. If not, then why am I even there except racking up the brownie points for whatever automotive disaster befalls me next? Which I almost never had to think about when I drove my old cars. This “upgrade” sucks.
I am burning the candle at both ends. I told the doctor and counselor both this. They point out that I am functioning and managing. Quality of life is apparently a non issue. Yay.
I would rant some more but I think I just spotted that bunny and this time, he has bloody sharp fang like teeth and I think he wants to kill me…
Oh,wait, that was that bunny from the Monty Python thing.