Daily Archives: April 23, 2013

The shaking never stops. Even on good days, like yesterday, it’s still there. You can’t see it, but it’s there, nested beneath the surface of the skin, inter-mingled with the anxiety and depression. I can only hope that someday they all will release their grip on me. Just like the painful knots forever between my shoulder blades, the interior shaking never goes away.

Last night, as I posted my first article on the Mrs Bipolarity Blog, right before my Mrs Bipolarity Facebook Page went live I sent an email to about 60 of my closest friends and relatives. It opened with this;

Dearest Family & Friends,

Something big is about to happen, and I’m so excited, scared and nervous! 

As you may know, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2002 following some very tumultuous years of rebellion and heartache (not only for me, but for my poor parents).  It’s been eleven years since that diagnosis, but God has blessed me beyond measure.

In my heart I feel like the time has come to give back to the bipolar community and the community of mental illness as a whole, and beyond.  I’m writing a book that will be a memoir/self-help of sorts…it’s still in the works, so more on that later.  But the reason I’m emailing you today is to let you know I’m also working on building a platform that will bring focus to this cause that I’m passionate about: ending stigma against mental illness.  If one in every four people suffer from mental illness, (which is the current statistic) then odds are that you have at least one (or more) people in your family who struggle with mental illness in some form. 

And people, let me tell you my God is amazing. Something BIG has happened. I’ve received email after email, text after text, blog comments, Facebook comments and face-to-face encounters full of gratitude and encouragement, sweet words congratulating me on my bravery and even tears of understanding. Something BIG is already happening.

In the eleven years since my diagnosis I’ve come to terms with having bipolar disorder and I can truly say I even see a benefit to my life. Oh yes, that’s what I said. The biggest thing that’s contributed to my ability to embrace my bipolar disorder is helping other people. To embrace it, is to pay it forward. Bipolar disorder has molded and shaped me and made me who I am. And I can’t change it, so I might as well embrace it.

In embracing bipolar disorder, AND now truly being honest and OPEN, greater things are still to come.

I love all of you and endlessly thank you for your support.

Writing through happy tears,

Mrs Bipolarity

My day in a nutshell.

I dressed “normal”. Khakis and a pretty multi colored sweater. Something different. It felt like I was in someone else’s mind and body all day.

Except for the adhd/ocd brain thing. That was all me.

I was quiet. I was distracted by thoughts in my head that amounted to nothing. But I nodded and said “Yep” to everything most of the day. Then when quizzed on stuff I was so supposed to be learning, I had to admit I had no clue. I know I frustrate R. I frustrate me. The short term memory failure really pisses me off. I should NOT have to ask for a serial number to be repeated four times because I reach for the memory and it’s…gone. Like vapor. Not there. Even when fully focused that happens. Today…I would have happily stared at shiny things all day while my brain trampled across an obsessive compulsive roster of pointless non productive thoughts.

Sometimes, I feel like an absolute airhead.

I know I am not, I am pretty intelligent for someone with nothing but a rural upbringing and a GED.

Still….Being so out of focus and distractable and feeling so…unlike myself…It was an unpleasant experience.

I had to leave early to go talk to the sunshine spewing counselor.

She was cool supportive and all. But sometimes, she does this absolute silence thing while sitting back and staring at me and it makes me feel like she is scrutinizing me like the police would a criminal suspect. Could be my paranoia or her waiting for me to arrive at the correct conclusion of whatever I just said or asked.

Or she could be evil and out to get me, for all I know.

Like I said…It was a weird mental health day.

Came home to kids again. I let them play an hour and a half, then sent them home. About all my nerves could handle.

Now…Nearing bedtime. Kid is asleep. Cats are calm. I did some housework.

And because my brain keeps jumping from this and that and the other…I have no clue what to do with myself except go to bed. I don’t want to go to the shop tomorrow. Let Kenny fetch shit. Plus, I honestly feel like R has become entirely too dependent on me. If he wants me there five days a week, he should be able to pay me an hourly wage. If not, then why am I even there except racking up the brownie points for whatever automotive disaster befalls me next? Which I almost never had to think about when I drove my old cars. This “upgrade” sucks.

I am burning the candle at both ends. I told the doctor and counselor both this. They point out that I am functioning and managing. Quality of life is apparently a non issue. Yay.

I would rant some more but I think I just spotted that bunny and this time, he has bloody sharp fang like teeth and I think he wants to kill me…

Oh,wait, that was that bunny from the Monty Python thing.

My bad.

My day in a nutshell.

I dressed “normal”. Khakis and a pretty multi colored sweater. Something different. It felt like I was in someone else’s mind and body all day.

Except for the adhd/ocd brain thing. That was all me.

I was quiet. I was distracted by thoughts in my head that amounted to nothing. But I nodded and said “Yep” to everything most of the day. Then when quizzed on stuff I was so supposed to be learning, I had to admit I had no clue. I know I frustrate R. I frustrate me. The short term memory failure really pisses me off. I should NOT have to ask for a serial number to be repeated four times because I reach for the memory and it’s…gone. Like vapor. Not there. Even when fully focused that happens. Today…I would have happily stared at shiny things all day while my brain trampled across an obsessive compulsive roster of pointless non productive thoughts.

Sometimes, I feel like an absolute airhead.

I know I am not, I am pretty intelligent for someone with nothing but a rural upbringing and a GED.

Still….Being so out of focus and distractable and feeling so…unlike myself…It was an unpleasant experience.

I had to leave early to go talk to the sunshine spewing counselor.

She was cool supportive and all. But sometimes, she does this absolute silence thing while sitting back and staring at me and it makes me feel like she is scrutinizing me like the police would a criminal suspect. Could be my paranoia or her waiting for me to arrive at the correct conclusion of whatever I just said or asked.

Or she could be evil and out to get me, for all I know.

Like I said…It was a weird mental health day.

Came home to kids again. I let them play an hour and a half, then sent them home. About all my nerves could handle.

Now…Nearing bedtime. Kid is asleep. Cats are calm. I did some housework.

And because my brain keeps jumping from this and that and the other…I have no clue what to do with myself except go to bed. I don’t want to go to the shop tomorrow. Let Kenny fetch shit. Plus, I honestly feel like R has become entirely too dependent on me. If he wants me there five days a week, he should be able to pay me an hourly wage. If not, then why am I even there except racking up the brownie points for whatever automotive disaster befalls me next? Which I almost never had to think about when I drove my old cars. This “upgrade” sucks.

I am burning the candle at both ends. I told the doctor and counselor both this. They point out that I am functioning and managing. Quality of life is apparently a non issue. Yay.

I would rant some more but I think I just spotted that bunny and this time, he has bloody sharp fang like teeth and I think he wants to kill me…

Oh,wait, that was that bunny from the Monty Python thing.

My bad.

You didn’t know I was bipolar, did you? Secret’s out. I’m out of the bipolar closet. There’s a reason you didn’t know. There’s a reason most of the people in my life didn’t know, so don’t take it personally. I chose to keep it to myself from pretty much everybody. You see, everyone who suffers from a mental illness knows there is a huge stigma surrounding it. The lack of love and support typically extended to a bipolar person can be crushing. I have experienced it on many occasions. From friends and close family members to acquaintances and I dare say people I don’t know, who I’ve met in the grocery store. To some extent I used to think “you can’t blame them” because they don’t know about mental illness, but with the number of people suffering in the country—and in the world today— now I think you can “blame them”, but we have to take a step to educate. Time is up on ignorance. The time has come to make a change!

Several of my hurtful stigma-related issues in recent years are when people tell me some form of their opinion of bipolar disorder, not knowing of my bipolarity. You wouldn’t believe the number of people who think bipolar women shouldn’t be allowed to have children.  In the past I’ve never called them out, or said anything and maybe it’s insecurity, but maybe it’s really smart to protect myself? I’m not sure, and it’s a pretty fine line between the two. I hate how the stigma always leaves me with a feeling that I have something to prove. As if I have to prove that I am normal. What is normal anyways?

Statistically one in four people suffer from some form of mental illness. This basically suggest that there’s someone (at least ONE) in every family who is affected by it, and either they don’t know it, don’t admit it, or won’t admit it out of fear…all largely due to stigma. Stigma is preventing people who desperately need help from seeking the help they need to function and lead a healthy and stable life!

Image Credit: Health.com

My passionate hope is to share my story and the things I wish some one had told me from the day I was diagnosed. My hope is to help others diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Although, I know that we sometimes have to learn life’s lessons the hard way, it’s also nice to be get practical advice. Even though it may not immediately be used or particularly asked for, yet. Those of us with bipolar disorder are all looking for support, and to know that someone has walked a path before us. We all want to know we are understood, and not alone in this crazy messed-up disorder.

In telling my story, my deepest desire is not only to help others but to fight the biggest fight of my life; to fight the terrible stigma attached to mental illness. Maybe, just maybe, I can show what it’s really like to live with bipolar disorder and how misunderstood bipolar disorder is.

I hope I don’t lose friends over this, y’all. People will always say “if you lose friends over this, they aren’t your “real friends”…” and as true as that is, it would still hurt. Either way, I’m opening myself up. Take me for who I am. I’m still the girl you’ve known all along, only now, I’m actively and now openly fighting for a cause I’m incredibly passionate about!

Happy & Stable,

Mrs Bipolarity