After a sort of hellish weekend…This is how I feel. Mental salad-ish. A mish mash of emotions and warring moods with general anxiety washing over it all.
The kids were here for about five hours total yesterday but they did at least leave and come back. Several times. They cried they were hungry so I fed them..Then they left to go eat another meal at their aunt’s. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for the kids cos they apparently don’t get enough food at home or to be rather resentful of them.
It’s not six a.m yet. That I woke up on my own indicates the seasonal affect is finally starting to make its exit for a few months. I could see this as a good thing, but since it all ties into the weather and we have had cold ass days for April, plus all the rain, I don’t want to call it over yet. Let midwest Mother Nature make her bloody mind already, is it still winter or do we finally get spring? Geesh.
I spent yesterday bouncing between moods, neutral, uppish, pissed off, irritated, and down.
My dad showed up so I was dealing with five other people at one time, which I do not handle with grace.
Sent the kids home at 6 and fed and bathed my kid. She went to bed around 8.
I finally got to eat something. Then I went to bed. Of course while my body told me I was exhausted and my head hurt, my scumbag brain decided that would be an excellent time to wake up and start worrying over every tiny thing. Marvelous.
Now I am dreading going to the shop. Since Kenny quit his job, he is there constantly. I like Kenny, but it’s supposed to be a damn business. Not a hangout spot for losers with no life. Geesh, even I can find something to do with myself and that makes it more sad. Now he’s gotta move out of his house and is planning on living in the loft at the shop. If he’s going to be there all the time, why should I be? It sounds bratty and even R was irked with me the other night and asked what my problem with Kenny was.
Hmmm. He thinks he knows everything about the shop when he knows fuck all. He spends most of the time watching TV or videos on Youtube, which makes it hard for me to look up parts or schematics when he’s at the computer all the time. He is more entertaining than R, but I don’t go there to be entertained and have fun. I am trying to learn shit and put brownie points into the “my car needs fixed” bank. I just…I guess I am a spoiled brat and I am irritated by anyone I have to see that often. But in all fairness, there are days I don’t even want to spend time with myself, so it’s not entirely personal.
Oh well, such is life.
Kenny said the other day, “Oh, cheer up, everyone has bad moods.”
And that was when it hit me. Yes, other people have good moods and bad moods and blah moods. Usually coinciding with a bad day, bad occurrences, not feeling well, being stressed…
The day they can come to me and say “Hey, I was at my grandfather’s funeral and started laughing but then I won some money and I started crying…”
THEN talk to me. Because I have been like that. It’s true.
Because that is cyclothymia in a nutshell. Inappropriate mood swings that do not coincide with outside stressors. I could be having the best day on Earth but if the mood shifts, I could end up in a rage or tears or hell, curled up in the fetal position in a child.
But then, isn’t that the human condition? To simplify that which is complex and make it seem trivial? No one wants to tackle the seedier ugly side of human nature.
I don’t get a choice.
This is mental salad.
And it is my life.