Daily Archives: April 13, 2013

Feel less shitty physically today. Mood less venomous.

But anxiety and irritability still reign supreme. I have cleaned house like a mad woman today just to keep from screaming because it feels like my nerve endings are trying to crawl out from under my skin.

My kid has been impossible. Nothing pleases her. Nothing is ever enough. She cries over every tiny thing. I whisper, it makes her cry. I tickle her, it makes her cry. She gets a drip of water on her shirt, it makes her cry. She wasn’t this fussy as an infant. And it always seems to be at its worst when I am at my worst. Karma biting me on the ass,  no doubt, for whatever I did as a child. I have no memories before age 5 and my mom says she doesn’t remember me being a bad kid.

But then, my mom would have handed me an Uzi to play with if it would have kept me from crying, so I probably was a happy little kid with no boundaries.

It has been a long day. Time has passed so slowly. I am already getting sleepy. Mostly I just feel like I have a mouthful of tinfoil and fillings and someone is jabbing bbq skewers in my ears while zapping my skin with a low voltage stun gun. ANXIETY GONE WILD. With a touch of superstition induced paranoia every time my ear itches and I wonder who is talking about me. No reason for it, except I am apparently nuts.

I am so high strung today I can’t focus or think straight or even enjoy a  22 minute sitcom and actually laugh.

No clarity.

Just murkiness.

Muddled.

Friday, 10:10 PM. Home, pajama’d, kid in bed…

And completely exhausted from the day’s rapid ever changing mood swings and anxieties.

Got up at 8:10 am. Rushing  about because I had a 9 am appt. Only to have it canceled at8:45 am.

I have to give 24 hour notice but they can cancel with 15 minutes notice? Fuck you.

Spent the entire day in what I presume to be menstrual dysphoria. My filters were off and I was saying whatever I thought and felt today. Which was nothing good. Anger, venom, hostility…And in some ways, it was the whole truth about how I feel. I make no apologies for thinking passive aggressive behavior is deplorable.  If people take advantage of you because you don’t know how to assert yourself and say “NO” then my sympathy is limited. I say no to people all the time. It doesn’t make me popular but it makes my life easier.

I started to feel guilty after awhile for being so bitchy and blunt,er, honest. Kenny showed up. I may as well not have been there as it seemed to be boys’ day. I left at 2:30 pm, after hours long battle with cramps and violent mood swings that ranged from sadness to I-wanna-bash-in-your-skull anger,

I bashed in no skulls. Though the irritation did not end once I got home, for my kid knew I was not feeling well, and as always, decided to push all my buttons and make it worse.

We ran out for errands. The neighbor girl showed up as we were leaving. Which made me feel both angry and guilty. Because my kid hasn;t had company in two days and the last thing I want to do is deprive her. I know lonely, and I don’t wish that on my worst enemy. But I had shit to do.

Sooo…after we’d been back awhile and R called to invite us over to his house so Spook could play with his grand daughter…I said okay. Because even though I was crampy and bitchy, I wanted my kid to have some fun. So we went there for a couple of hours. I spent most of the time engaged with the kids. Because I am not stupid,kids love me, it’s the adults who find me moody, bitchy, irritating, and hyper critical  (I maintain people deserve that side of me for being assholes, but I confess to not being stable or objective.)

R started in on the “I want you to get that certification and rise above it all” spiel. When I told him the truth “I don’t necessarily aspire to rise above this, I am content just barely making ends meet”: he made a sound of disgust that both wounded me and angered me. Of course, I want better than this for my kid. But the only way to accomplish this is to not put excess pressure on myself. Which means giving me lots of time and wiggle room to get it done. I am fine being content and eeking by for now, he doesn’t seem to get that. I learn through repetition and via this, I gain confidence and skill. Pushing me is gonna get us nowhere. Even if it’s something I want, I know my limitations. I have to progress at my own pace.

And today was evidence enough for me that I am standing on anything but solid ground. I wanted everyone dead because I was in pain, my mood was down, my hormones were surging and my anxiety was running riot. Even now, I have like six cats crawling all over me and as much as I love them all, I feel like I am smothering. I want to scream GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!

I am ready for bed.

I am ready to stop riding this roller coaster.

I am ready to be rid of this pissy little bitch syndrome every month and the venom it makes me feel.

I am tired.

Sick and tired of being me.

Friday, 10:10 PM. Home, pajama’d, kid in bed…

And completely exhausted from the day’s rapid ever changing mood swings and anxieties.

Got up at 8:10 am. Rushing  about because I had a 9 am appt. Only to have it canceled at8:45 am.

I have to give 24 hour notice but they can cancel with 15 minutes notice? Fuck you.

Spent the entire day in what I presume to be menstrual dysphoria. My filters were off and I was saying whatever I thought and felt today. Which was nothing good. Anger, venom, hostility…And in some ways, it was the whole truth about how I feel. I make no apologies for thinking passive aggressive behavior is deplorable.  If people take advantage of you because you don’t know how to assert yourself and say “NO” then my sympathy is limited. I say no to people all the time. It doesn’t make me popular but it makes my life easier.

I started to feel guilty after awhile for being so bitchy and blunt,er, honest. Kenny showed up. I may as well not have been there as it seemed to be boys’ day. I left at 2:30 pm, after hours long battle with cramps and violent mood swings that ranged from sadness to I-wanna-bash-in-your-skull anger,

I bashed in no skulls. Though the irritation did not end once I got home, for my kid knew I was not feeling well, and as always, decided to push all my buttons and make it worse.

We ran out for errands. The neighbor girl showed up as we were leaving. Which made me feel both angry and guilty. Because my kid hasn;t had company in two days and the last thing I want to do is deprive her. I know lonely, and I don’t wish that on my worst enemy. But I had shit to do.

Sooo…after we’d been back awhile and R called to invite us over to his house so Spook could play with his grand daughter…I said okay. Because even though I was crampy and bitchy, I wanted my kid to have some fun. So we went there for a couple of hours. I spent most of the time engaged with the kids. Because I am not stupid,kids love me, it’s the adults who find me moody, bitchy, irritating, and hyper critical  (I maintain people deserve that side of me for being assholes, but I confess to not being stable or objective.)

R started in on the “I want you to get that certification and rise above it all” spiel. When I told him the truth “I don’t necessarily aspire to rise above this, I am content just barely making ends meet”: he made a sound of disgust that both wounded me and angered me. Of course, I want better than this for my kid. But the only way to accomplish this is to not put excess pressure on myself. Which means giving me lots of time and wiggle room to get it done. I am fine being content and eeking by for now, he doesn’t seem to get that. I learn through repetition and via this, I gain confidence and skill. Pushing me is gonna get us nowhere. Even if it’s something I want, I know my limitations. I have to progress at my own pace.

And today was evidence enough for me that I am standing on anything but solid ground. I wanted everyone dead because I was in pain, my mood was down, my hormones were surging and my anxiety was running riot. Even now, I have like six cats crawling all over me and as much as I love them all, I feel like I am smothering. I want to scream GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!

I am ready for bed.

I am ready to stop riding this roller coaster.

I am ready to be rid of this pissy little bitch syndrome every month and the venom it makes me feel.

I am tired.

Sick and tired of being me.