Daily Archives: February 27, 2013
Head on over to the M3 Blog where I am interviewing the woman who does not know the meaning of the word can’t when it comes to making things happen [...]
Tagged: bipolar mind, humor, life, Lizzie, Philosophy, random thoughts, running with scissors, Thought
1. The Jetpack plug-in for self-hosted WordPress blogs finally has one of my favorite features from WordPress-hosted blogs — the like button! So yanno, show me some love, people. *winks*
2.The Spoon Theory: I was reminded that I’ve not shared the link to it in some time, so please — check it out:
The Spoon Theory is one of the most cogent explanations of life with an invisible illness, whether it be a physical condition or mental illness. To that end, it is very worthwhile to share it once in a grand while. I’m sort of sheepish that I was so slow in finding it, considering that one of my best friends had been referring to it for years. And while I am sure that it cannot enlighten the mind of those who have no desire to have a deeper understanding of their brother/sister folk, I think it’s a useful thing for those who want to know, but know they cannot truly put themselves into a sufferer’s shoes.
Past that, I’m just sort of drained. My body has been unkindly to me this month in both illness and in being a lady-person, and I’m just sort of grateful that my mind has been quiet enough that I’ve not been fixating and dwelling overly on it. Instead it’s wanted to dust things and line them up in a straight manner, for which I am especially grateful my mother-in-law didn’t start tutting at me for; she takes these actions kind of heavily. No dear, it is not a comment on your cleanliness, it’s just the bipolar wanting something to freak out about. And yanno, she’s always welcome to come clean my house, ha ha.
Sometimes, I just don’t have a good title for my posts. So I will just pick a line from whatever song is playing when I start writing. In this case it is from a song called “Alibi” by 30 Seconds To Mars. Awesome song.
My anxiety is off the fucking charts. For some reason, the trailer park has been a cacophony of yapping dogs all night. It’s not really the norm, but it’s managed to drown out my music and that irks me. It irks me more that I am having so much anxiety anyway due to Tic-tac-o-pin being utterly useless. Throw the stressor of noise in and I’m just like peeling my own skin off.
The sunshine spewer said yesterday I need to call the shrink’s office and get an earlier appointment and explain how little the Klonopin is doing and ask for my xanax back. Which is odd because when I first started seeing her, she preached the evils of Xanax and how it’s only a short term medication. Perhaps she saw how wired I was and rethought her position? I am toughing it out, giving the Klonopin a real chance, before my next dr appointment. Thanks to a bunch of assholes abusing xanax, I feel like a fucking junkie asking for it. It’s just the only thing that works for my panic and anxiety, ffs.
The day was…icky. Cold and rainy and snowy. My mood was sort of off. I did not want to be at the shop. I did not want to do much of anything but stay home and work on my story. I am revamping it again (cute pun, considering it is a vampire novel) and if you don’t go when the creative urge is there, you risk losing it. Thankfully I did not lose it, but the fear is like a cloud looming overhead. Reality intruding upon my elusive creative juices is icky. Everything is icky.
I was just glad to come home.
Until of course the dog symphony became an issue.
Around 7 PM I began to feel panicky because I wasn’t in bed yet. I am still not sure what that is about, why I feel this overwhelming need to be safely ensconced in my bedroom by 7pm, or 8pm at the latest. I am trying to retrain my brain but the anxiety does not give a fuck. It does what it does.
I am also feeling extra panic because using the laptop for too long and feeling how warm it gets makes me paranoid that I am going to destroy it by using it.
This is not an optimal state to be in. It was not this bad a few weeks ago, at least not with the extreme paranoia and fear causing the panic. Generalized anxiety my ass, this is psychotic anxiety.
My mom went off on me again this morning. They canceled school supposedly because the weather was too bad and she was mad I didn’t stay home today. Um, it was 35 and doing nothing outside when I left, all the snow was turning to slush. Still scratching my head on that one. I should stay in because the weather *might* be bad? So I don’t have to leave the house from November til March since i live in the midwest and the weather *might* always be bad during those months? COOL.
My mom is a nutbar,
My gut is in a stress pretzel knot. I think it may be time to go to bed if only to escape that part of the anxiety. And I hear the damn clock ticking (metaphorically) reminding me it’s getting closer to time to having to do it all over again. Dealing with people has become ten times harder in the last three weeks. I wonder why. I feel like I have a target painted on my back and everyone is a damn sniper. I believe the clinical term is decompensation.
Tic-tac-o-pin works for me as well as hooked on phonics works for rednecks.
Git r done.